Escaping reality

Yesterday I slept for the longest time ever since the first time I came to Japan. I don't know what happened to me but suddenly I was feeling a bit of under the weather and the feelings that I had once in a while even when I was in my country came back. Unhappy. Unsatisfied. Tired of everything. Tired of being me. Tired of simply living as easy to say. We all had that once in a while, right? I wasn't going to deny those feelings because that's me and that's the essence that shape me as what I am today.

I sleep over sleep over sleep and woke up about 11 hours later. I know that eventually I have to wake up somehow. Of course, during the interval between sleep and the next sleep, there's a slight of guilt creeps inside me and overwhelm feeling of not wanting to wake up mixed together. I wasn't sleeping peacefully as easy to say. I woke up and I decided to continue to sleep and the cycle continued until 11 hours had passed.

Why am I acting like this? Why am I feeling unhappy, unsatisfied and tired of everything? Why do I feeling those things? Where did things had gone wrong? Am I really that bad as a person that God punishes me this way? Maybe. I am not pious either to begin with and I'm not proud of it. I know that too well and yet I let everything goes as if nothing's wrong with pangs of guilt build within my fragile heart.

I wasn't really myself yesterday and after I went back from the outing which supposed to be joyful(because I bought myself a sweatshirt that I think is cool and I binged eating sushi), I started to shut down myself. I pulled on my dark curtain covering everything that could be seen. Too tired to see the world. Too exhausted to even listen to it. I wanted my space to be dark but then I was scared of pitch dark so I lighted up a studying lamp instead of kitchen light(usually kitchen light is switch on even when I sleep at night) and I buried myself in the blanket. I wasn't really sleepy that time so I used my phone until no feelings left within me instead of just wanting to sleep and in the end I began my journey of 11 hours of sleeping.

In the journey, it wasn't a quiet and peaceful one either. I dreamed of something that I wished I didn't dream about. It wasn't a nightmare and it wasn't really a good one either. It's just a normal dream. A dream that doesn't make me wonder after I woke up. Just a typical dream that you have once in a while.

Thankfully, after about 11 hours of escaping of consciousness I feel a little bit better. Better than yesterday at the very least. I opened my curtain letting the natural light inside my room and I started to do things that I should have done sooner. I washed my clothes, I cleaned my room, I cooked and I cycled near my neighborhood. It was nice to gain the usual me back. The me that always excited to do even simple things like walking, the me that always excited to go out and explore, and the me that always looking forward to talking with many people.

Today shall be better than yesterday and it does. If you try to make it happen. I always believe that every cloud has its silver lining and after the rain there'll be rainbow. Maybe God wants to give me something better that He took away my yesterday. If that's the case then I should just be patience with all these ordeals. Of course when those dark feelings creep inside you, you can no longer justify things and the only thing that you could think of is who and what to blame. I'm speaking positively right now because I'm in my sane condition and are able to make judgement. If you ask me yesterday, probably I won't be able to even talk to you. I probably hate you for simply talking to me.

Today will be a good day and I'll make it happen. Yesterday is already in the past and instead of mourning for the lost times that you had, crying over a milk that was meant to be spilled, let's be grateful that we still have another chance to live the present.

Thank you, Lord.

JINN 

Story time: New Crush #2 :T

Hello!

For this time's entry, I think it would be like me writing a diary so excuse me for that.

I don't know if this feeling is just a normal crush that I have always had but I think I'm falling for someone for real. Let's start with how I got to know T. As always, I refrain to use he or she when I tell stories about my crush so let's just call my crush T.

Well, the story isn't interesting at all. There's no such thing as you bump into someone accidentally and then you guys meet eye to eye, fall in love, happily.ever.after. Hah! That just don't exist. At least not in my dictionary but yeah some people might experienced that before so ummm.. i don't want to speak hate so much about it. Oh btw, most of my crush couldn't speak English or read English(maybe) so I won't be figured out. Umm,.. I'm quite certain of it. Maybe.

So the story begins when I joined a group for transfer students in my university. BTW, I'm currently studying in one of universities in Japan. In the group, there are 7 people like me aka my batch plus 11 seniors. So T is like a head for that group and T who initiates the chat most of the time. I would describe T as a responsible person, mood-lifter, party-igniter and the list goes on. When I started to admire T, I haven't meet T in person yet. I got the feeling that if I met T, I might like T. On Tuesday night, we had our first welcoming party for transfer students. Oh before I forgot the prominent part, one of the reasons that I admire T is because T is a considerate person(at least that's what I think). I have few things that I couldn't consume such as alcohol and some type of foods. To encourage me and my friend to come to the welcoming party, T ensured us that the foods that will be prepared in the party are foods that can be consumed by us. I was touched actually by that gesture even if it was just a simple gesture by some(T_T)

On that day itself, T came late with pizzas. I looked at T for the first time face to face and I smiled involuntarily😂Just as I thought, T is awesome even in real life. The thing about present day is, having many sides in a body is completely normal. You can be extrovert in real life and introvert in social media or vice versa. On the other hand, T is the person that you could look at with the same sight either in social media or real life. Just by remembering T, I could smile and as I'm writing this entry, I'm actually smiling hahahhaa. lol. okay, that's cringe. We didn't talk much directly on the first meeting because T is my senior(according to Japanese calendar) and T sat a bit further from me. If we were to meet in my country, T would be in the same category as I am because we were born in the same year.

The thing about crush is they were meant to only be looked from afar. Deep inside of our heart, of course we would have wished that our crush could feel the same way as what we feel right now to them but in real life it didn't work that way. As much as I enjoy having T in my sight(I enjoy it so much that whenever I look at T I couldn't help but to smile), I know T is someone that is beyond my reach. T maybe loves the spotlight but as much as I love the spotlight too, I always have the tendency to find a safe and a hidden place away from the spotlight. As easy to say, T and I don't walk in the same pace and we live in a completely different world. I was lucky enough to meet T somewhere on the road of my life. I'm happy. Really happy. Oh and T loves to smile and laugh too. It makes me want to smile and laugh whenever T smiles or laughs.

I actually meet T again in welcoming party for club that I joined in my university but that would be in the next entry. Maybe.

JINN