Run or Nay?

Hello peeps!
Today's post probably a little bit different from previous posts because today I'm not gonna talk about depressive, serious things, what ever you called it.

So today I took part in 5KM Marathon organised by my scholarship provider. Honestly, I didn't wanna take part in the Marathon because well I'm just not a person who likes to sweat and I hate the feeling of out of breath as if i'm dying. I was certain that I wouldn't run on that day which is today because I somehow signed up to be a volunteer for the event just because I didn't want to run.
How funny that I ended up as both which were as a runner and also as a volunteer.

Today I woke up at 4.52am although I was supposed to be at the event site at 4.30am😂. Since the event site is a walking distance from my dorm, I arrived at the scene around 5.00am. There were too many volunteers I guess because when I arrived at the scene, there were still some people who didn't have any assigned job. I tried to make myself look busy so I helped a little bit here and there although there weren't many things to be done. I received a volunteer badge and a set of happi(Japanese cloth) because my job was to handle the registration. You guys probably be asking why do I need to wear happi, right? That is because the theme of the event is Japan 🇯🇵 theme.

Around 5.30am I went back to my dorm, cleaned myself and I returned back to the event site at 6.30am. I loved my job as a volunteer to be honest because i could make myself busy with something instead of just waiting for the event to start.

So here's the interesting part. How did I end up running although I didn't want to? Earlier, I did tell you guys that this event was organised by my scholarship provider didn't I?  Due to that, we(students) had received a marathon t-shirt and a bib a day earlier than other public runners. I took the t-shirt and the bib from the person in-charge and I asked her if volunteers have to run and she said yes😭.

To cut the story short(because i can literally write in a very detail way but you guys probably get bored along the way) after I finished with my duty as a volunteer someone came up to me and asked me if I'm going to run. I told him I don't know and I don't want to run to be honest. Most of the volunteers were getting ready to run and if everyone runs, I'll be left behind, doing nothing? I didn't want to waste my time waiting and as much as I hate running, I hate waiting more than anything especially waiting while doing nothing. While my heart was in doubt whether to run or not, my legs had already took autonomous steps and I started running as well.

It was only 5KM but surely it was tiring as hell(well, not really). Along the way i received bracelets to mark that I had passed certain check points. While running there was water splashed onto me, coloured dusts thrown onto me and finally after overcoming few obstacles plus with the sun that shined so bright in front of me that I had to stop running because if I continued i could probably be dehydrated, I finally reached the destination. I wasn't the early arrivers for sure but I wasn't the last either. I received a medal to mark that i had finished the race.

I am certain that I hate running but sometimes you just have to do what you got to do and it'll pay off at the end of the day. I told myself that I started this journey and I'll finish it even if I have to crawl to get to the destination. Why? Because i can do it, i decided to start the journey and whoever finishes the journey will be rewarded certainly. Everything will be pay off and nobody likes half-produced things. Just like life, you don't stop half way just because you hate it. You have no choice but to walk through life because you don't control the time. So you strive, you work hard and you'll eventually get to the end of life.

Live till the end because life isn't actually as long as you might think.
Thank you for reading till here. It's such a long post isn't it😬. Lastly, cheers to your life ahead and let's strive together.


最後まで頑張りましょうね〜！
(Work hard till the end)

JINN

Late afternoon thoughts

Trying to get myself to sleep because I just don't feel like doing anything and here I am writing because I couldn't force myself to sleep. It's 5.01pm now and I am wide awake or supposed to be wide awake. I don't know what to write about to be honest but I just feel like doing something, something that I probably like? I don't know either. I want to write to someone but I no longer have the courage to. In my life, i have been constantly told to be independent and never be a burden to someone else. I have my pride too y'know. And of course that pride comes with pretty expensive price. Too many things that I want to say but I couldn't bring myself to because y'know think before you speak. I don't want my words to be a dagger that stabs someone or hurt someone internally so I just keep my mouth shut. 🤐Keeping all in because that's just my forte from the beginning. Some people might see me as two totally different person because the way I write doesn't represent how I present myself in front of real people. I tell you what, both are me. I am that cheerful and jovial person you meet in the class and i am also that person who post depressing things on social media. Humans are complex just like how complicated the DNAs are. Because human comes from a complexity of the unknown and return to the complexity of certainty that I too not being left with the progress. Complexity is just the character of humankind and I'm just the definition of it. If someone ever read till this part, they probably enjoy my writing or they just simply bored or.. I don't know. Anyways, thank you for reading this post because this is totally a random post and something that i want to write so I just simply write it out. To remain unknown while expressing yourself is somewhat satisfying but there's someone who knows everything that i have been writing, someone that had met me in real life. I don't want to be judged although I couldn't care less about what people might say but let's keep things in peace shall we. To this one particular person that I specifically write to now although you probably never reads this, you know too much and I dislike the fact i have been doing things to catch your attention. I am bounded to the screen on your phone but that doesn't mean I'm not real. I don't even know myself now because of you. I probably am writing this too to catch your attention but you probably never acknowledge it because you are just too busy with your life which is fine or you are just not interested to unwind the complexness within me which is fine too. I have been constructing my life with probabilities and the probability of me losing is higher than winning. Anyone in my situation wouldn't be that silly enough to throw themselves to a situation where they are at losing side so they'll probably choose to avoid or just keep things as is. I still want to be your friend at the very least so avoidance is the best method to keep our almost nonexistent relationship I would say? Say hi to me if you read this. I miss you.

JINN

I (私)

I'm playing my own rhythm,
Choosing an unfamiliar path,
Following a lonely road,
That's just me.

At the end of the day,
I just want to be me.

Even when everyone chooses white as white,
I'll still choose blue as my white.
Even when everyone avoid the middle road,
And I'll probably the only one who is eager to trail the new road,
I'll do it,
I'll take the road of the unknown.

I need you and I don't need you.
You are like a bright star,
Bright enough to shine beautifully,
Also enough to burn me to ashes.

Because writing expresses,
I'll write and write,
Till you discovered that,
From the middle out of nowhere,
It has been you that I'm writing to.

Love?
A tragedy that i try to avoid to no avail,
I know the outcome,
and yet I keep falling to it again and again.
I guess,
I'll just let myself fall.
Since everything,
This whole thing is just a cycle of repetition.

JINN

Dear D

Farewell

I'd never say proper goodbye,
Merely because I'd never want to,
Or probably because it will be the last time we met,
Or it will be the last time we are actually connected.

Distance surely creates border,
Betweenness that will eventually vanish,
Closeness that will eventually fade,
And we,
Become a stranger,
Just like how we begin.

As we venture the time,
We swiftly separated,
Because our paths,
No longer intersect,
Like how it used to.

We are just a young wonderers,
We just want to be free,
No strings attached,
And we'll fly free,
To the infinity that remains a mystery.

Our betweenness takes a toll,
And as we pass the toll,
One by one,
It gets more and more pricy.
We are tired,
Exhausted,
Paying for tolls to a road that is never assured.

Your gentility forbids you to refuse,
Your gentility forbids you to decline,
But I know,
You are struggling to keep up.

My pace and yours are at variance,
I'm a lady of versatility,
And I'm an adjuster.
I need you,
And I don't need you.

Our time is almost up,
And I'd never want to say proper goodbye.
Because if I do,
I'll be scared,
Scared of the assumptions that I myself assume,
Scared of the outcome.

If you are reading this,
It's you,
It has been you all along.

Sorry,
My pride forbids me from being left behind,
And before you do so,
Leaving me behind,
I'll take my leave.

Farewell, cheers to your life ahead.

JINN

Write (書く)

Write(書く)
Write,
Because it creates,
Because it is satisfying,
No voice projected,
Just a movable hand,
A white paper,
Or a writable screen,
To hear your heart out,
Shouting in silence,
Rebelling in the monotonous crowd.

Write,
Because it gives taste,
It gives meaning,
It gives hope,
That some someday,
When you come back at where you begin,
At where you fall,
You know that you had fought hurdles and tides,
To stay relevant in this finite expansion.

JINN

Borders

Borders

Some borders are meant not to be crossed,
Some borders are meant to be seen clearly,
Some borders are best to remain as is.

Out of curiosity,
Borders are crossed,
Borders are neglected,
Borders are omitted.

Little that they know,
Some borders are one way,
One direction of no return,
One split second after the crossing,
 and everything just changed.

Dear,
Sometimes curiosity kills the cat.
Don't go near,
Don't go beyond,
Don't even think about the borders,
Don't even think of the reasons,
You'll eventually understand why.


JINN

The voice of the heart

What am I?
What am I doing now?
What do I want?
What is there to look for?
I'm reflecting in silence,
Hoping for answers that remain unknown,
Searching for hope that never comes.

I told myself endlessly ,
That there is something to look forward to in this finite space,
That there is something to see and feel in this limited expansion,
That it is going to be worth it to chase for.

Truth to be told,
I myself have no idea.

Back then,
I was determined of practically everything,
Determined to be the best,
Determined to be what they called role model,
Determined to be the person that people envy.

And yes,
Those days were harsh and yet fulfilling.
The pain of struggles,
I would say fillers to holes inside me which turn into poisonous venom eventually.

Reason?
Some things just don't need reason to occur.
Some things are best left unanswered,
Best to be unknown,
Because if you know,
Everything is not as it seems.

JINN