2nd letter to Moon

Hello Moon,

I have come to a term that the reason you didn't reply to my messages is because you simply don't want to interact with me or you just simply want to avoid me. It's totally fine by me now(I don't know). If space is all you need, then I'll give it as much as you want. You want a week? okay let's make it a week. You want a month? okay let's make it a month. You want a year? okay let's make it a year. You want eternal? Okay suit yourself. You don't owe me even a single word of explanation and I'm not obliged to listen to your explanation. That's how our relationship works. Well, maybe from the beginning it all has been about me. Probably it has never been about us. It has never been about a relationship, not even as a friend.

I struggle to delete all of our messages because I know, during those late nights of me being awake, I would scroll up and down those messages and reminiscing how we were used to be close once upon a time. Maybe, it has always been about me alone. I probably the only who thinks we are close, I probably the only side who thinks everything that we once shared were special and I probably the only one who thinks maybe we could work out of this fragile glass.

The glass eventually crack and I, without you on the front line, I'll let the glass crack until it eventually break. Maybe the glass is meant to be broken even with our interference in it. Maybe we are just never meant to be although deep inside I wish we could actually work out on something. I wish to try at the very least but I couldn't do this all alone. Relationship is never about one sided. It's about two person or more that make effort to preserve the relationship.

Remember I told you that relationship is like a bracelet that we wear? You have to change the string that keeps the stones together once in a while or else it'll break. I doubt you would ever remember that. Sigh.

JINN

Letter to Moon

To my dearest Moon, 

It has been 24 hours since the last time I heard from you. Do you purposely ignore me or are you really busy? I know I have no rights whatsoever to demand anything from you because we are just "friend" as I would call it. Honestly Moon, I've never actually thought you as my friend. You've always been someone special to me and deep inside me, I've always knew it. I made it clear to you that you're just my "friend" when the fact that, I did that simply because I don't want to lose you even as an acquaintance. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me if you find out what's actually circling inside my head. Did you know I talk about you everyday and I remember vividly those moments that we spent together even though it was just a while? I miss you so much and this suppressed feeling is killing me and making me sick in certain unexplained ways that I myself finding it hard to explain. I don't know if this feeling is genuine and I don't know for how much longer I'll be feeling this but one thing that is for sure is as of now, I dread to hear from you. 

You have life outside this internet space and I know it. Alas, I still wish you won't ignore me this way. You have no obligation to reply my messages and it isn't your fault for me turn this way. It was me from the beginning. It is my fault to begin with. I fall first. I cling on first. I become comfortable, too comfortable first. I'm sorry if those messages disturb you and forgive me for intruding your private space. I have so many things that I want to tell you but I keep most of the things to myself. I don't want to portray myself as someone who needs attention continuously although I probably am. Remember when I asked you if I message you too much and you said I wasn't? I had the feeling that you were simply being nice to me by saying I weren't when you feel burden about it. I hope you would be honest to me as much as I try to be as honest as possible to you. I guess both of us have secrets that we wish to conceal as hard as possible not letting others to know about those. I tried my best to keep my action and my gesture as sane as possible when in truth, I'm turning insane seeing those messages that are left unread. 

Deep inside me, I knew for some reason that you already read those messages. I have been doing the same too, you know. I read the messages beforehand and trying not to be seen like a desperate lady, I waited for quite sometime before actually reply to your messages.

Reply my message, please.

JINN 

The Sun and the Moon

「太陽が嫌いやから」ー「Because I hate the sun」
「あたし太陽だと思う」ー「I think I'm the sun」

We were talking about how you are a night owl and I'm the kind who prefers daylight. You hate the sun and that's why you prefer the night. You love the night and you adore the moon. You stare at it when you are bored while I enjoy the presence of moon simply because it gives lightness at dark night and sometimes beautiful. On the other hand, I enjoy daylight. I enjoy staring at the clear skies and the fluffy clouds that you would call ひつじ雲 or sheep clouds. I like the clouds probably more than you do but you know about clouds better than I do.

When you told me you hate the sun, my heart sank. In terms of personality, I am never the moon. I am the sun. The bright sun. Remember I told you I am the sun? and you chose to ignore that statement instead, probably because you don't know how to answer it. I think I made you lost of words. Hahahahaa.

In our conversation, I have always been the sun and you are the moon. Even at night, moon depends on the shine of the sun to emit light just like us. I shine you and I overshadow you. A fact that we both probably know and I'm unsure if you're okay with it. I've tried few times to make you shine just like me but being just you, you prefer to just listen, read and make few compliments. Moon.

The sun and the moon generally don't meet. They appear at different times and they function differently. I'm the kind who is expressive and I get angry, happy, sad easily while you're the kind who is calm and at times I don't know what's actually inside your head. When I like something, I express it by my gesture and I said it out loud.

"I like the stones!" "I loovee food!" "I like ice cream!"

I said those with smile on my face and my voice raised a little bit in joyful way. On the other hand, when you are happy or when you are grateful, you prefer to be as modest as possible and you tend to hide what you actually feel. When you said thank you, you said it in most flat tone but your face reaction changed without you realizing it.

I was probably the only one who's hallucinating and fantasizing everything but that's okay. This is my blog and if you ever read this, you come into my space, into my world. I'm still trying to grasp the idea that the sun and the moon walk in parallel line, that they're not supposed to intercept and be seen together. I probably like you a lot or maybe more than I actually thought I am. Remember I told you once I wish to be the moon instead? and just being totally you, you choose to ignore it for once and for all. Haha. I was just joking though. I'm not meant to be the moon even though I dread to be one.

JINN 

(Credit to: Google Image and the artist)

Love Yourself

Never let your gut down especially to a partner who isn't even sure to be yours. Take what's left within you and move on. If the person truly loves you, they'll come back to you no matter what. Always have faith in God that if the person is meant to be yours, sooner or later he/she'll be yours. I know currently the most difficult thing to do is to think rationally and set your life straight while still hanging on those faded and disappearing memories that continues to haunt you at night but believe me, you are better than this. Nobody has any right to make you feel less worthy, less human. You are precious, you are important too and you are never alone. Everyday people hurt themselves, everyday people struggle, everyday people break up, everyday people lose hope. We are never alone because at the other side of the world, there are people who experience exactly just like us. I'm writing this because I'm currently in those categories, not gonna say which but yeah, I'm in one of those categories. I'm writing this post to diverge my attention, to make myself feel better, to support others who are just like me. If you ever found this blog somewhere, you know what I'm talking about. We need answers and those answers that we long awaited that keep us awake. Phone on your side and you waited like a drench puppy waiting for the owner waiting for the never coming replies. It's okay dear, we are better than this! We'll show to them that we can live with or without them. We should live with minimal dependency because being too dependent leads to being hurt more and being disappoint more. Always love yourself more than anything. Always protect yourself first coz if you don't, no one else will. 

JINN    

My dear Moon

Love isn't all about sweet things and happy moments. Sometimes its better to let the person that you love go rather than keeping them around knowing that they'll go sooner or later. Honestly, it's freaking hard and I wouldn't lie it hurts me internally more than anything. I want to let the person go as much as I wanted the person to stay around. Let's just give "the person" nickname coz along the way, I know I'll find it hard to keep on referring that particular person as "the person" without using he/she. So let's call that person as Moon.

I started to know Moon first because before we met, I came across short video of Moon somewhere on the internet. Few weeks after I watched the short video, Moon came into my life unexpectedly and I saw Moon for the first time in real life while I was having my breakfast. That unforgettable instant moment, sigh. But it wasn't love at first sight. I don't have much trust in love at first sight because compared to looks, attitudes are far way more important. I thought Moon as a friend or a person that I enjoy to be around with. I influenced Moon to wear bracelet and anklet and Moon did. I don't know whether Moon wear those accessories because of me or simply because Moon find it amusing after I introduced those accessories but Moon wears it. I'm not sure if Moon still wears bracelet but while Moon was still around me, Moon wore it.

I'm not sure if the feeling is reciprocal but Moon treated me very well. Moon was very kind to everyone actually but I don't know,  somewhere deep down I knew Moon treated me somewhat special(maybe that was just my fantasy but... ) than the rest. I probably was hallucinating but Moon literally treated me well. Moon gave me A LOT of chocolates, treated me lunch although I declined, waited for me while I was choosing new bracelet to buy and simply play along with me when I asked Moon to try food or beauty product. Moon was a good company to be around with. Moon is the guy and Moon is also the girl that I wanted to keep for quite some time as of now.

But then, love isn't about keeping the person to yourself alone. Love is about growing together, supporting each other through thick and thin and appreciating each others present. The funniest thing about Moon and I is we probably supporting and appreciating each other but there is no way of growing together. As the time ticks, Moon and I are actually growing apart. Moon and I walks in parallel line and as we all are aware of this fact, parallel line doesn't intercept. I don't know for how long I could keep up with this parallel line relationship that continues to enlarge the gap in between but I'm getting anxious and maybe a bit scared as the second ticks.

I'm anxious that one day Moon will just simply ignore me and I'm scared if one day Moon simply disappear from my life. Honestly, I still keep Moon around me although currently the only thing that we share the same view is the moon. I asked Moon to look at the moon once because during that time I think the moon appeared at its best and Moon looked at it. Moon sent me picture of the moon though and I sent back the picture of the moon that I took. That moment I would say was... romantic.Hahahahaha. Well, I did to certain people actually, not only to Moon.

Should I keep Moon around while our position still in parallel line that never intercepts or should I just confront Moon and ends everything all at once?

Nah, the answer is too obvious. I think I'll stick to the first choice and continues to hurt myself until there's no space left within me to hurt anymore. By that time, I'll let Moon go indefinitely.

人工の幸せでもいい（even if it's artificial happiness, it's still okay)

-Moon, Dec 2018-

JINN

P/s I called the person Moon because that particular person likes night and hates sun.