Assalamualaikum Atok,
How are you? Wishing you a peaceful life on the other side. The reason why I'm writing this letter is just simply because I miss you. I miss you for the longest time and it took me quite a while to figure that out. You waved us goodbye about two years ago unexpectedly in one fine and peaceful afternoon. When the news came to me at first, I didn't really get shocked honestly because you cheated inevitability few times and I thought that is just one of your tricks which turned out to be real. I couldn't believe the news until I saw you lying down in front of me still wearing house clothes with your eyes deep close. I touched your crinkled arms and they were cold but you had always been that cold. I tried to wake you up, and for the first time you didn't even budge to dodge it. You keep your eyes close as I touched your cold arms. I could still remember vividly how I used to massage those fragile arms and applied moisturiser on those to keep your skin moisturised. The sense was still the same physically and yet i knew something was amiss. The soul had gone to where it is belonged to. As I saw them washing you up gently, i remembered that mom and I did the same before but it was just the two of us during that time. Now, there were a lot of them who took the honour as a final respect for you. Atok, I just want you to know that those days when I accompanied mom to take care of you was one of my precious moments I have ever had in my life and if I were to repeat those moments again, i wouldn't be mind to do it again.
It wasn't an easy task to be honest as it required a great amount of patience and tolerance but one thing that I learned from that moment is love wins, always. Two women that I treasure the most up until now is my mom and your forever wife, nenek. The thing that had drove me that far to do the impossibilities was also because of them. I couldn't bear to see them getting lethargic and restless at the end of the day that I willingly gave my full strengths just to ease their tasks. Mom told me not to interfere jobs that required her and nenek to carry you or to clean you but I knew nenek is ageing so do mom and the power that they both have are somewhat limited. Mom reminded me to stay out but she also knew that it was impossible to do it with just nenek because nenek is also just like you, getting old and fragile. In the end, after I strongly insisted and after I showed mom things that i was able to do, she finally trusted me to help her along. Mom is a strong woman and she loves her parents unconditionally. I see that within her, the way she treated you and the way she treats nenek. The way that I wish I could do the same to her and to my dad as well.
Atok, do you still remember that I played your favourite song on the laptop to keep you company as silence had become too deafening? You were a fan of Frank Sinatra, a singer that i'd never knew the existence of until you told me. I couldn't recall the title of the song but if I listen to the song again, i am keen that I still remember the song that you had liked the most. Nenek disliked the fact that I played the song because she preferred you to recite the religious meditation(zikr) rather than listening to worldly songs. She asked me to remind you to zikr and you responded I had becoming like nenek. I laughed to that honestly. I reminded you to zikr merely because she asked me to but she was right too, actually. You have to balance between worldly things and also afterlife things. I was too naive that time and all I could think of was to give you instant happiness when the fact that the never-ending happiness is actually on the other side.
Atok, do you still remember that i painted your nails with peel-off nail polish? As i recall that, i probably the only granddaughter who actually braved enough to paint your nails with nail polish. Thank you for not retaliating and played along with me. I thought those would look pretty on you but i guess nail polish are simply women thing. You still rocked in those nail polish too, though. I did that probably because i was tired of looking at you day in and day out doing the same thing over and over again. I wished by doing that I could sprinkle a bit of glitters on your remaining bored days. Honestly, i wished you to stay longer. Mom and I took the opportunity to learn how to take care of you by lending hands to nenek because if nenek is no longer around or if she is no longer capable to take care of you, we can actually take over the honour.
2 years had passed by and yet when ever you come into my mind, i could still shed tears. Probably because I thought that I could have done better when you are still around and at the time you waved us goodbye, i couldn't properly send you off and i didn't tell you that I'm really sorry for what ever I had did when I was taking care of you. I'm a human too and I believe that while taking care of you, I probably had uttered something that I wasn't suppose to say and I probably had disrespect you in any ways that I might not realised. I'm really sorry Atok for not being able to take care of you longer, for not being able to give you full comfort, and for not being able to be a good listener. Till we meet again, Atok. In the mean time, let me have the honour to cherish you in my memory for as long as I could remember. Goodbye. Assalamualaikum(Peace be upon you).
Yours sincerely,
Your eccentric granddaughter
Saturday, 16 September 2017
Friday, 15 September 2017
Friend(友人)
Friend
"a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."
There are quite a number of people who come into my life and paint some colors on my so-called boring life but there are very small number of them that I wish to keep. There are very few of them that I wish to hang on to or hold on to. I used to think that friendship is just a thing that people create to feel belonging, or a thing that people create just to have fun. Nothing more could be less. To be honest, i'd never truly treasure friendship as much as I am now. Being an adult is actually something i guess. It took me about 19 years to figure out what true friends are for and what is the real meaning of friend. Being betrayed at a very young age probably disrupt the whole meaning I guess but I'm lucky enough that I don't dwell into that kind of thinking forever. I found a lot kind of friends as i am ageing and probably more to come. Friend for benefits are the kind of friend that I have encountered the most up until now but honestly, i don't really care. Yes, i care about that A LOT at first but life is too short to care about things that don't really affect your life so I just let it pass. At the end of the day, they just need to survive. Humans are naturally desperate and they have to do what ever they could for the sake of their life continuity. I can't be too selfish too, can I? I'm a human too so basically if not all I could somewhat understand here and there a little bit i guess about norms logic. Sigh. Humans are unique in their own ways and that is probably why I fall for them as much as I'm disappointed with them.
Along the way, I also found very few of them that I can actually called as a friend who truly have a tender heart, who are able to give you peace just being by their side and who are actually there for you at your lowest point. I kind of feel guilty that i overlook this very small circle that I have until I'm cornered at the edge of cliff of breaking down. When I thought that nobody would be there when i was about to fall of the cliff, I was wrong. Just that I need to louder my voice and try to reach for them. They're actually there waiting to be heard all the time. It took me ample time to figure that out. I had always thought that I provide myself a back support but to be honest it wasn't just me who support me to be this far. Family and friends are the strongest back support in my 19 years of my life. It can't be denied that there are some family members and friends who try to tear me down but then not all apples in the basket are rotten, right? You just have to find some goods in those and if you look at those clearly, you'll find out which is the edible ones and the rotten ones.
There are times when I lost in my own wonders and I started to question everything. If you are a believer like me, that is probably not a good news. You can't be fully contented with joy all the time, can you? There are times when you just don't know what you are doing and what you are here for. Some things that were used to be clear to you are something that is very blurry to you now. You just simply lost. Unhappy. Do you know that sometimes happiness is not found within ourselves but actually within someone else? Yes, finding happiness within ourselves is the peak of happiness but just because it is not at the peak does not mean that it couldn't provide you full contentment, right? Making others laugh, provide others comfort, give others help can also be some sort of happiness and contentment. I found out that I wish to be that person towards the people that I wish to keep in my very small circle. Seeing people's smile face, listening to them laugh, and being able to understand them is truly a blessing for me. To sum up, i found happiness not just within myself but also within others too. Others that I can truly call a friend.
Yours sincerely,
JINN
"a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."
Along the way, I also found very few of them that I can actually called as a friend who truly have a tender heart, who are able to give you peace just being by their side and who are actually there for you at your lowest point. I kind of feel guilty that i overlook this very small circle that I have until I'm cornered at the edge of cliff of breaking down. When I thought that nobody would be there when i was about to fall of the cliff, I was wrong. Just that I need to louder my voice and try to reach for them. They're actually there waiting to be heard all the time. It took me ample time to figure that out. I had always thought that I provide myself a back support but to be honest it wasn't just me who support me to be this far. Family and friends are the strongest back support in my 19 years of my life. It can't be denied that there are some family members and friends who try to tear me down but then not all apples in the basket are rotten, right? You just have to find some goods in those and if you look at those clearly, you'll find out which is the edible ones and the rotten ones.
There are times when I lost in my own wonders and I started to question everything. If you are a believer like me, that is probably not a good news. You can't be fully contented with joy all the time, can you? There are times when you just don't know what you are doing and what you are here for. Some things that were used to be clear to you are something that is very blurry to you now. You just simply lost. Unhappy. Do you know that sometimes happiness is not found within ourselves but actually within someone else? Yes, finding happiness within ourselves is the peak of happiness but just because it is not at the peak does not mean that it couldn't provide you full contentment, right? Making others laugh, provide others comfort, give others help can also be some sort of happiness and contentment. I found out that I wish to be that person towards the people that I wish to keep in my very small circle. Seeing people's smile face, listening to them laugh, and being able to understand them is truly a blessing for me. To sum up, i found happiness not just within myself but also within others too. Others that I can truly call a friend.
Yours sincerely,
JINN
Friday, 8 September 2017
Gratefulness(感謝する)
Gratefulness(感謝する)
"In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy."
-Brother David Steindl-Rast-
A word that is easy to be uttered but truthfully hard to be applied in daily life and honestly, i too struggle to practice gratefulness in my life. I know that this is not just merely an empty word and if you and I do not have this in our life, we won't be able to make peace within ourselves. Gratefulness is when you are thankful of what you have and do not demand for more. There is no wrong in demanding for more but it also depends on the occasion and situation. Jealousy is the root cause of ungratefulness. Hence, in order to be grateful, firstly we should remove the jealousy that has embedded firmly in our heart. Everyone has that somewhere in their heart so don't judge yourself just because you have that sort of feeling.
However, that feeling has to be curb as gentle and as careful as possible because if jealousy has control your mind and emotion, it could lead to other problems. You should be aware by now that not everything that we feel is right and can be pursued. You know yourself well so I believe that you can differentiate between the genuine diamond and the fake ones. Everyone has their own way and views on seeing things so do I. I got jealous easily especially towards someone who has something that I don't have or they just simply have something more than what I have currently.
Eventually, I know the feeling that I have that time is natural but are not to be pursued any further. You have your own purpose or what you want in this life so do I. Will I be wasting my time to be jealous of others? Will I be spending some of my precious time by thinking of what others have that I don't? I don't think I will. Yes, jealousy, the feeling of wanting to have more(greedy) are sometimes good because those push you or make you work harder to achieve what you want but anything that is extreme, too much is no good. Balance is the key to everything especially when you are struggling with something.
I believe that Lord is just in sketching our paths. Often we tend to think that He tends to give more to someone else except for me and He tends to pay attention to someone else but not me. However, if you look at everything neutrally and positively you'll realize that everyone has equal portion to one and another. For example, we tend to judge people that has less money are not happy and people that has a lot of money are happy. If we look at it in different perspective have you ever wonder why there are still people who own a lot of money but committed suicide? Why there are still people who own a lot of money but still feel empty and happy? And why there are people who others see as less fortunate but smile and laugh more than anyone else?
Lord is just and He knows best about us. Things that we wish to have/own are sometimes destructive to us but we tend to ignore that fact because of jealous and greediness. Grateful is when you are thankful of how many eggs in your own basket rather than comparing the number of eggs that you have with someone else's. Today, I'm writing this because i feel ungrateful and jealous of someone else. As I'm writing this, I am actually reflecting myself and trying to make peace within myself. As I'm counting eggs in my own basket, i realized that everyone has equal number of eggs in their basket. If you look at things from various perspective, you'll realize it eventually. Have a nice day!
Love,
JINN
"In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy."
-Brother David Steindl-Rast-
A word that is easy to be uttered but truthfully hard to be applied in daily life and honestly, i too struggle to practice gratefulness in my life. I know that this is not just merely an empty word and if you and I do not have this in our life, we won't be able to make peace within ourselves. Gratefulness is when you are thankful of what you have and do not demand for more. There is no wrong in demanding for more but it also depends on the occasion and situation. Jealousy is the root cause of ungratefulness. Hence, in order to be grateful, firstly we should remove the jealousy that has embedded firmly in our heart. Everyone has that somewhere in their heart so don't judge yourself just because you have that sort of feeling.
However, that feeling has to be curb as gentle and as careful as possible because if jealousy has control your mind and emotion, it could lead to other problems. You should be aware by now that not everything that we feel is right and can be pursued. You know yourself well so I believe that you can differentiate between the genuine diamond and the fake ones. Everyone has their own way and views on seeing things so do I. I got jealous easily especially towards someone who has something that I don't have or they just simply have something more than what I have currently.
Eventually, I know the feeling that I have that time is natural but are not to be pursued any further. You have your own purpose or what you want in this life so do I. Will I be wasting my time to be jealous of others? Will I be spending some of my precious time by thinking of what others have that I don't? I don't think I will. Yes, jealousy, the feeling of wanting to have more(greedy) are sometimes good because those push you or make you work harder to achieve what you want but anything that is extreme, too much is no good. Balance is the key to everything especially when you are struggling with something.
I believe that Lord is just in sketching our paths. Often we tend to think that He tends to give more to someone else except for me and He tends to pay attention to someone else but not me. However, if you look at everything neutrally and positively you'll realize that everyone has equal portion to one and another. For example, we tend to judge people that has less money are not happy and people that has a lot of money are happy. If we look at it in different perspective have you ever wonder why there are still people who own a lot of money but committed suicide? Why there are still people who own a lot of money but still feel empty and happy? And why there are people who others see as less fortunate but smile and laugh more than anyone else?
Lord is just and He knows best about us. Things that we wish to have/own are sometimes destructive to us but we tend to ignore that fact because of jealous and greediness. Grateful is when you are thankful of how many eggs in your own basket rather than comparing the number of eggs that you have with someone else's. Today, I'm writing this because i feel ungrateful and jealous of someone else. As I'm writing this, I am actually reflecting myself and trying to make peace within myself. As I'm counting eggs in my own basket, i realized that everyone has equal number of eggs in their basket. If you look at things from various perspective, you'll realize it eventually. Have a nice day!
Love,
JINN
Thursday, 7 September 2017
Fragility
Dear,
I know you have tried hard. I know you had done everything within your means to maintain the relationship. And I know you treasure every relationship that you have. Relationships are fragile and yet sweet. It gives you good memories, sweet dreams and sometimes it helps you to go through your hard day. Again, in this impermanent world where everything has its own bad side and good side, so is relationship. Relationship can be a cure or a toxic or both in your life. I bet you have seen enough what kind of toxic relationship and healthy relationship look like and more to come. You also know too well that a relationship is so fragile that it can shatters and remain unfixed for eternity. Life is all about experimenting and sometimes you wonder why most of relationship that you had, mostly ended with heartbreaking and betrayal. You trust people too much and you live expectedly when reality is always out of league of expectation. You become sad because you keep on expecting more and reality ain't playing on your side. You put yourself off guard too often when others live on guard all the time. You just want to be different than anyone else. Conformity is a challenge to you and you struggle to conserve your real self. Nowadays, people take relationship for granted. Be it a friendship, family bond, love-ship, what ever you have it. People tend to take relationship lightly because they no longer believe that relationship can give them happiness and for them, human connection is some sort of orthodox illusion to stay relevant. They replace the human connection with gadgets, unemotional things because they do not want to admit the essentiality of human connection but at the same time they knew something is missing in their life. At the end of the day, even if you are the only person who treasures relationship more than anyone else, head up and be proud of what you have become. You are special and will always be in your very own way just like the rainbow that appears after the rain, beautiful in its own way.
Love,
JINN
P/s This is just simply a free writing. Something that is on my mind and I want to express it so here it is. Writing doesn't always have to be formal and follows the format, right? Who ever you are, i wish you a nice day ahead. :)oh, and thank you for reading.
I know you have tried hard. I know you had done everything within your means to maintain the relationship. And I know you treasure every relationship that you have. Relationships are fragile and yet sweet. It gives you good memories, sweet dreams and sometimes it helps you to go through your hard day. Again, in this impermanent world where everything has its own bad side and good side, so is relationship. Relationship can be a cure or a toxic or both in your life. I bet you have seen enough what kind of toxic relationship and healthy relationship look like and more to come. You also know too well that a relationship is so fragile that it can shatters and remain unfixed for eternity. Life is all about experimenting and sometimes you wonder why most of relationship that you had, mostly ended with heartbreaking and betrayal. You trust people too much and you live expectedly when reality is always out of league of expectation. You become sad because you keep on expecting more and reality ain't playing on your side. You put yourself off guard too often when others live on guard all the time. You just want to be different than anyone else. Conformity is a challenge to you and you struggle to conserve your real self. Nowadays, people take relationship for granted. Be it a friendship, family bond, love-ship, what ever you have it. People tend to take relationship lightly because they no longer believe that relationship can give them happiness and for them, human connection is some sort of orthodox illusion to stay relevant. They replace the human connection with gadgets, unemotional things because they do not want to admit the essentiality of human connection but at the same time they knew something is missing in their life. At the end of the day, even if you are the only person who treasures relationship more than anyone else, head up and be proud of what you have become. You are special and will always be in your very own way just like the rainbow that appears after the rain, beautiful in its own way.
Love,
JINN
P/s This is just simply a free writing. Something that is on my mind and I want to express it so here it is. Writing doesn't always have to be formal and follows the format, right? Who ever you are, i wish you a nice day ahead. :)oh, and thank you for reading.
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