I want to start off my blog by saying cold sleepless night but the place where I live now is super hot even at night that I couldn't bring myself to say cold night.

Today honestly i feel like a piece of sh*t. The feeling that pierce through me when ever I procrastinate and wasting my time. I don't procrastinate or waste my time because I wanted to but.. I just don't know. I hate this feeling, i hate the fact that my wasted time is irreversible, i hate the fact that I am what I am now. I hate the fact that i begin to settle down with everything less, everything is okay and acceptable and everything is fine when some things ARE NOT.

Honestly, there are times that I just hate myself. I begin to lose my fighting spirit as I gradually lose grasp of what I am actually striving for. The path/route is too long and just like transmission wave that experience declination, energy loss before it arrives at the destination, i begin to lose myself along the way. The funniest question that I probably ask myself is what is actually the real me? Am i even living as a real me all this while? At the age of 19 and still figuring out what kind of person I really am, still figuring out things that I actually like and finally still figuring out what to do with my life. Surely, I wasn't thinking of becoming prime minister to change the country or becoming the astronaut. I'm pretty sure i am not that ambitious but I don't want to die of not contributing something in my life.

Funny how I told myself i want to contribute something while all i do is procrastinating and wasting my time. If you ever think i just do it purposely, i am not. Have you ever you just have too many things to do and you ended up doing nothing because you just don't feel like doing those and when you force yourself to do those tasks and you feel like screaming at top of your lung and throw everything that is in front of you. I didn't do it though because if I do it, it just gonna add to my workload. Nobody's going to clean up for me and that is for sure.

My assignments, report, homework haven't done yet and here I am writing. FML. I'm just done.

Story time: Missing a stranger that I would never call a stranger

To be honest up until now I don't really know if my feeling towards that person is genuine or not. In this post, im gonna express that person as KI(kay-ai)to avoid me from using he/she or otherwise it'll be too obvious.
Today i read one interesting tweet on twitter. It sounded like this 👇🏻

「it starts with ignored messages. then talking less frequently. suddenly, u don’t care what they’re doing b/c they’ve taught u not to. you’re tired of wondering why u care so much when they can’t be bothered to talk to u. you’re done trying to figure it out. they lost u for good」
#copypaste

If KI ever reads this, KI probably understand what I'm trying to say but knowing that KI won't "have time" to read this, I'm just gonna write freely. Maybe.

So my new readers probably don't know the story so I'm just gonna summarised the story for y'all(not really). KI and I met only once. Of all people that I met once in my life KI is my most favourite stranger-turn-friend up until now. I don't know why and I'm tired of trying to figure out why. I'm still wondering up to these days the reason why KI becomes my favourite person but not as much as before. You guys probably can't relate with this story that much..i mean like who favourites person that they only met once in their life? and unfortunately i did.

It wasn't a romantic meeting at all. I treated that meeting as a professional meeting and a beneficial meeting because I could get something out of it. I didn't like KI... well to be exact I felt nothing when I met KI. I expected KI to be just like other people whom I met once in my life which means we talked a little bit on social media, met them in real life and after that we turned back into strangers.

Between me and KI, i expected our "relationship" would be just like I mentioned earlier(met on social media->met in real life->become stranger) but there was something else that made me hanged on to KI even after the meeting. I enjoyed talking to KI just like I enjoy talking with my real life friends. KI probably don't know this but unconsciously KI has become one of the prominent person in my life.

After the meeting we still communicate with each other. Of course, the message is always from me because I guess I'm the only side that wants to maintain our friendship. I like KI as a friend, as a partner, and as a consultant. To say all this towards a person whom I only met once in real life is totally absurd and guess what i probably am really insane. I told KI most of things that I told to my friend simply because I enjoy reporting things to KI until at one point I could feel KI is distancing from me or probably KI is really busy. That is what KI told me. I asked KI once or more if I am a nuisance and KI said no. KI even apologized to me for making me feeling that way. 「I am just a bit busy with my study lately.」<-this was what KI told me. Don't you think KI is such a nice person? I do, tho.

Due to that, I told KI to stop replying my text because I want KI to focus on studies and as long as KI keeps on replying my text, i find it really hard to refrain myself from replying even a simple 「Thank you」or「OK」and as expected KI stopped replying my text. It has been a week and I felt like my life has started to move as slow as it can be.

Compared to before, i still have the urge to text KI but knowing that would be a nuisance to KI I refrain myself from doing so. I try to move on by busying myself doing things like creating videos(which I never had done before) and create a new blog beside this one. If KI ever realises what I have been doing, I want KI to know that with or without the presence of KI, I'm doing good as ever.

Time surely plays its role as I could slowly moving on from KI but today was totally a different story. KI appeared on my dream and even if it's just a dream I could literally feel that I was so happy to meet KI. In that dream I smiled at KI and KI smiled back at me and I started telling KI stories/things that has been going on in my life.

A dream remains a dream and as I woke up from the sleep, i found myself trying to sleep again. I ended up sleeping for another extra one hour due to that and of course KI no longer appeared in my dream after that. *sigh* I don't know if this is purely a coincidence or a hidden message from Lord but this whole thing ain't funny at all. To Lord that listens to everything, i know i asked too much but that is because I have nowhere else to go and no place to turn to when I have wishes. Dear Lord, if KI misses me too, even the probability of KI missing me is 0.00000001%, please make KI text me because I won't text KI first anymore.

The end

I expected this story to be sort of melancholic story but it didn't turn out that way since I was writing freely. Due to that the plot/storyline becomes a bit twisted. I have many things to say but I couldn't say those out loud because I'm scared of hurting others and I dislike making others feel uncomfortable around me. I'm not sad but I'm not happy. I'm tired of continuing but I don't feel like stopping either. Are these feelings normal? I just don't know how to be normal anymore. Probably I never am.

JINN

Life update(probably)

Hello peeps!

This week is quite relaxing I would say. I have less quizzes compared to previous week, I got a class cancelled which is today and at night(this week) I could free some of my time to do what I like to do. Before this, I'd never knew that by doing things that you like to do could actually put your mind at ease and could actually make you happy. I spent most of my free time watching YouTube simply just occupy the time.

At first I was happy because I could watch Youtubers that I like and I could diverge my mind to think of something else besides studying. After quite sometime and after watching too many YouTube videos, i realized that I'm not really happy. I become more stress as I felt like I have been wasting my time by watching too many Youtube videos. Yes, by watching your favourite Youtuber is thrilling and exciting but that instant feeling doesn't last long. My days are spent mainly with studying and watching YouTube or drama or movie. It's either or and there is no in between. I don't have hobbies and to be honest I'd never really sit down and think what I actually want to do in life or what I actually like to do.

I write blog simply because there are too many things that I want to say but I couldn't. As easy to say writing is my escapism. I started writing since I was a kid. To be exact after I knew what Diary actually meant. I have more than 5 diaries up until now. When things are tough and hard to bear, i write. Just like what I am doing now. I read back what i wrote from time to time as a mood reliever and also as a reminder. As i read back my previous writing, it reminds me that  I had been in a situation where everything is too much to bear but I survived. I survived the tides but life is nothing but a repetition of cycle. Hence, tides come from time to time and the only thing that is left to do is to hang on. Hang on till the day God summon you permanently.

At one point, I asked myself what do you actually want in this life? What is your aim? I asked myself if it is okay to just live but deep inside I know I don't like to settle for less. I believe that i only live once and every second that ticks even now is precious. As second ticks someone dies. As second ticks someone is born. Life is more than just simply trying to survive. Yes, survivability is important but when you realized that you can actually do more than just surviving, don't you think that it's just a waste to actually live your life mundanely? Some people might disagree with me but I am entitled to my own opinion so let me be. Your opinion is highly appreciated but not needed. Thank you.

There are things that I have been continuously doing unconsciously and that is writing. I love to share new things with people and I love to share my writing. I speak well but I write better, i guess. I write to be heard although most of the time my writing doesn't reach the person that I'm specifically referring to but that's okay. I'm happy enough that I'm actually able to write it out.

I started to write in Japanese this week and I found out that I have passion for blogging. I like to write in English honestly because it is easier to express myself but I am learning Japanese as well. I want to improve my Japanese through blogging or vlogging just what I did to improve my English. That's all from me today I guess. Since I have started writing in Japanese I'll probably write lesser in English but English will always be my language of expressing myself. I'll write from time to time and if there's anyone who actually reads my English blog earnestly, thank you. I really appreciate your endless support and thank you for supporting me. If you actually read till here, please say hi to me. I'll be waiting for your reply. Thank you everyone and have a nice day. God bless.

JINN

日本語以外に勉強するなら、何語か？

見てくれてありがとう！いつも感謝します。訂正があったら自由に私に連絡してください。今日本語を勉強しているから、間違った文法とか変な言葉の使い方がもちろんあるはずです。じゃね～

Self Introduction in 3 Languages(English, Japanese, Malay)

Thank you for watching!

MJHEP Diary: Hectic week

MJHEP Diary: Hectic week

Hello peeps!
I'm back with more writing(lol). I just finished my tests and also quizzes. This week was probably one of the most hectic week ever but still bearable I would say. I sat for 4 different types of test which consist of 化学(chemistry )、電気回路(Electric circuit Theory)、線形代数(linear algebra)and微分積分(differentiation and integration ). I sat for chemistry test on Tuesday, Electric circuit theory test on Wednesday, and linear algebra and differentiation and integration today(Friday). After a hectic week which felt like forever and everything was done, I can finally put my heart at ease(not really after you realized you had actually done some miscalculation during the test😭) but what is done is done and nothing can be done about it so.. 無視しようか(let's ignore it).

I didn't usually drink isotonic drink in order to stay up but this time I did. I drank 3 tins of isotonic drink for 3 consecutive nights and honestly the first day I took my first tin of isotonic drink I stayed up until   1 am. Unfortunately, on the second day it didn't work for me that well. I drank my second tin of isotonic drink at 12am after I finished writing my chemistry report and not long after that I fell asleep. I wanted to study a little bit more but my head wasn't comprehending well and my eyes were getting heavy so I knew there was only one solution to that problem which was to call it a day. On the third day, I took my third isotonic drink around 9pm and I stayed up until 1 am ++ again. I planned to stay up until 2 am but you know when you had exerted your brain too much, it'll just stop working and despite reading the notes again and again you'll just end up getting disappointed because nothing gets into your head so I switched off the light and slept.

Of all days  in this week I would say yesterday was the most tiring day. I hadn't finish making my linear algebra notes yet and I took quite sometime to finish it while at the same time I hadn't fully understand some concepts in differentiation and integration. I finished making my linear algebra notes around 11pm ++ and can you imagine I started to study differentiation and integration seriously around 12am ++?!! I tried to continue studying differentiation and integration after finished studying linear algebra but my brain was already drained and I knew I should stop studying for a while and do something else before my brain drain totally and the side effect of it would be I forgot everything that I had memorized or
my mind blurred while taking the test.

I had experienced that kind of situation last year where I forced myself to study until late at night and even though I was sleepy, i still forced myself to read and memorize the notes and the result was I couldn't answer the next day's test properly as I forgot the formulas, i forgot what I had memorized and my head felt heavy and I couldn't think clearly. That kind of situation which I called black days lasted for few days and I literally screwed up two tests which was basic engineering test and mathematic test. Ever since that day, I had learnt my lesson which is to draw your own limit and live according to it. I still have some black days up until now and I'm still adjusting to counteract those days so that even if I fall, I didn't literally fall completely. It's okay to fall sometimes but you should know how deep can you fall into. There's a limit to everything. Even the infinity has a limit which still remain a mystery but somewhere finite there is.

So.. I guess I'll pen off now. That's all that I have for you guys(as of now). Kbye.

JINN

Realisation

So today I feel like to write so here I am. I miss someone. Missing that person whom I met only for a while which become a turning point in my life. I wonder if everything that I feel now is real, genuine or it is just another episode in my life drama. I'm starting to wonder for how long can I hold on to the string that is rupturing as the clock ticks second.  Everything is fine. Everything is going well. We don't fight. We don't argue. We simply agree or disagree and yet the distance simply drive us apart.

I wonder if every effort that I put after all this while is worth it. I wonder if my effort will eventually make you realize that you are somewhat has become a prominent figure in my life. I'm scared of letting you to dive into my life but then I was actually the one who opened up the route. I widen the route unconsciously until at one point where I realized I wasn't supposed to do that. I have becoming too dependent, too clingy. Thinking of you in what ever activities that I do unconsciously as it has become a habit that eventually backfires. I diverged too far from the path as I am too eager to track your brightness that fades inevitably at the middle out of nowhere.

I found you in the moon as looking at the moon reminds me of you. Somewhere finite, i know we are sharing and looking at the same moon. I dislike myself for being too dependent, for falling to easily in everything and for telling you everything that I shouldn't or not necessary to. I believe that if we are meant to be we will be definitely. Time is a mysterious mechanism that works nonstop from the beginning of life. A lot of things change along with the time. Me. You. Everyone.

We are too different in terms of everything and yet I still wish you to be by my side cheering and supporting me always . I started to ask God if you are not meant to be with me in this temporary stay, is it possible to be together hereafter? Is it possible to have you as mine hereafter despite our most crucial difference that separate us apart temporarily which becomes permanent after we die?
I'm wondering myself to sleep. No answers. No clues. Just unanswered questions that make me wonder for days. Repeating the cycle even when I have the choice of not to is exhausting my conscience and logical thinking.

Should I stop now? Should I give up on you now believing that if we are meant to be we will be? Or should I tell you directly how much you are actually mean to me although we started off as a complete stranger? I'm still wondering alone because if I ever tell my feelings out loud, I'm scared that you'll step out of my life earlier than i am expected. I still need time from attachment to independent. Give me some time and I'll move on. Probably.

JINN

Run or Nay?

Hello peeps!
Today's post probably a little bit different from previous posts because today I'm not gonna talk about depressive, serious things, what ever you called it.

So today I took part in 5KM Marathon organised by my scholarship provider. Honestly, I didn't wanna take part in the Marathon because well I'm just not a person who likes to sweat and I hate the feeling of out of breath as if i'm dying. I was certain that I wouldn't run on that day which is today because I somehow signed up to be a volunteer for the event just because I didn't want to run.
How funny that I ended up as both which were as a runner and also as a volunteer.

Today I woke up at 4.52am although I was supposed to be at the event site at 4.30am😂. Since the event site is a walking distance from my dorm, I arrived at the scene around 5.00am. There were too many volunteers I guess because when I arrived at the scene, there were still some people who didn't have any assigned job. I tried to make myself look busy so I helped a little bit here and there although there weren't many things to be done. I received a volunteer badge and a set of happi(Japanese cloth) because my job was to handle the registration. You guys probably be asking why do I need to wear happi, right? That is because the theme of the event is Japan 🇯🇵 theme.

Around 5.30am I went back to my dorm, cleaned myself and I returned back to the event site at 6.30am. I loved my job as a volunteer to be honest because i could make myself busy with something instead of just waiting for the event to start.

So here's the interesting part. How did I end up running although I didn't want to? Earlier, I did tell you guys that this event was organised by my scholarship provider didn't I?  Due to that, we(students) had received a marathon t-shirt and a bib a day earlier than other public runners. I took the t-shirt and the bib from the person in-charge and I asked her if volunteers have to run and she said yes😭.

To cut the story short(because i can literally write in a very detail way but you guys probably get bored along the way) after I finished with my duty as a volunteer someone came up to me and asked me if I'm going to run. I told him I don't know and I don't want to run to be honest. Most of the volunteers were getting ready to run and if everyone runs, I'll be left behind, doing nothing? I didn't want to waste my time waiting and as much as I hate running, I hate waiting more than anything especially waiting while doing nothing. While my heart was in doubt whether to run or not, my legs had already took autonomous steps and I started running as well.

It was only 5KM but surely it was tiring as hell(well, not really). Along the way i received bracelets to mark that I had passed certain check points. While running there was water splashed onto me, coloured dusts thrown onto me and finally after overcoming few obstacles plus with the sun that shined so bright in front of me that I had to stop running because if I continued i could probably be dehydrated, I finally reached the destination. I wasn't the early arrivers for sure but I wasn't the last either. I received a medal to mark that i had finished the race.

I am certain that I hate running but sometimes you just have to do what you got to do and it'll pay off at the end of the day. I told myself that I started this journey and I'll finish it even if I have to crawl to get to the destination. Why? Because i can do it, i decided to start the journey and whoever finishes the journey will be rewarded certainly. Everything will be pay off and nobody likes half-produced things. Just like life, you don't stop half way just because you hate it. You have no choice but to walk through life because you don't control the time. So you strive, you work hard and you'll eventually get to the end of life.

Live till the end because life isn't actually as long as you might think.
Thank you for reading till here. It's such a long post isn't it😬. Lastly, cheers to your life ahead and let's strive together.


最後まで頑張りましょうね〜！
(Work hard till the end)

JINN

Late afternoon thoughts

Trying to get myself to sleep because I just don't feel like doing anything and here I am writing because I couldn't force myself to sleep. It's 5.01pm now and I am wide awake or supposed to be wide awake. I don't know what to write about to be honest but I just feel like doing something, something that I probably like? I don't know either. I want to write to someone but I no longer have the courage to. In my life, i have been constantly told to be independent and never be a burden to someone else. I have my pride too y'know. And of course that pride comes with pretty expensive price. Too many things that I want to say but I couldn't bring myself to because y'know think before you speak. I don't want my words to be a dagger that stabs someone or hurt someone internally so I just keep my mouth shut. 🤐Keeping all in because that's just my forte from the beginning. Some people might see me as two totally different person because the way I write doesn't represent how I present myself in front of real people. I tell you what, both are me. I am that cheerful and jovial person you meet in the class and i am also that person who post depressing things on social media. Humans are complex just like how complicated the DNAs are. Because human comes from a complexity of the unknown and return to the complexity of certainty that I too not being left with the progress. Complexity is just the character of humankind and I'm just the definition of it. If someone ever read till this part, they probably enjoy my writing or they just simply bored or.. I don't know. Anyways, thank you for reading this post because this is totally a random post and something that i want to write so I just simply write it out. To remain unknown while expressing yourself is somewhat satisfying but there's someone who knows everything that i have been writing, someone that had met me in real life. I don't want to be judged although I couldn't care less about what people might say but let's keep things in peace shall we. To this one particular person that I specifically write to now although you probably never reads this, you know too much and I dislike the fact i have been doing things to catch your attention. I am bounded to the screen on your phone but that doesn't mean I'm not real. I don't even know myself now because of you. I probably am writing this too to catch your attention but you probably never acknowledge it because you are just too busy with your life which is fine or you are just not interested to unwind the complexness within me which is fine too. I have been constructing my life with probabilities and the probability of me losing is higher than winning. Anyone in my situation wouldn't be that silly enough to throw themselves to a situation where they are at losing side so they'll probably choose to avoid or just keep things as is. I still want to be your friend at the very least so avoidance is the best method to keep our almost nonexistent relationship I would say? Say hi to me if you read this. I miss you.

JINN

I (私)

I'm playing my own rhythm,
Choosing an unfamiliar path,
Following a lonely road,
That's just me.

At the end of the day,
I just want to be me.

Even when everyone chooses white as white,
I'll still choose blue as my white.
Even when everyone avoid the middle road,
And I'll probably the only one who is eager to trail the new road,
I'll do it,
I'll take the road of the unknown.

I need you and I don't need you.
You are like a bright star,
Bright enough to shine beautifully,
Also enough to burn me to ashes.

Because writing expresses,
I'll write and write,
Till you discovered that,
From the middle out of nowhere,
It has been you that I'm writing to.

Love?
A tragedy that i try to avoid to no avail,
I know the outcome,
and yet I keep falling to it again and again.
I guess,
I'll just let myself fall.
Since everything,
This whole thing is just a cycle of repetition.

JINN

Dear D

Farewell

I'd never say proper goodbye,
Merely because I'd never want to,
Or probably because it will be the last time we met,
Or it will be the last time we are actually connected.

Distance surely creates border,
Betweenness that will eventually vanish,
Closeness that will eventually fade,
And we,
Become a stranger,
Just like how we begin.

As we venture the time,
We swiftly separated,
Because our paths,
No longer intersect,
Like how it used to.

We are just a young wonderers,
We just want to be free,
No strings attached,
And we'll fly free,
To the infinity that remains a mystery.

Our betweenness takes a toll,
And as we pass the toll,
One by one,
It gets more and more pricy.
We are tired,
Exhausted,
Paying for tolls to a road that is never assured.

Your gentility forbids you to refuse,
Your gentility forbids you to decline,
But I know,
You are struggling to keep up.

My pace and yours are at variance,
I'm a lady of versatility,
And I'm an adjuster.
I need you,
And I don't need you.

Our time is almost up,
And I'd never want to say proper goodbye.
Because if I do,
I'll be scared,
Scared of the assumptions that I myself assume,
Scared of the outcome.

If you are reading this,
It's you,
It has been you all along.

Sorry,
My pride forbids me from being left behind,
And before you do so,
Leaving me behind,
I'll take my leave.

Farewell, cheers to your life ahead.

JINN

Write (書く)

Write(書く)
Write,
Because it creates,
Because it is satisfying,
No voice projected,
Just a movable hand,
A white paper,
Or a writable screen,
To hear your heart out,
Shouting in silence,
Rebelling in the monotonous crowd.

Write,
Because it gives taste,
It gives meaning,
It gives hope,
That some someday,
When you come back at where you begin,
At where you fall,
You know that you had fought hurdles and tides,
To stay relevant in this finite expansion.

JINN

Borders

Borders

Some borders are meant not to be crossed,
Some borders are meant to be seen clearly,
Some borders are best to remain as is.

Out of curiosity,
Borders are crossed,
Borders are neglected,
Borders are omitted.

Little that they know,
Some borders are one way,
One direction of no return,
One split second after the crossing,
 and everything just changed.

Dear,
Sometimes curiosity kills the cat.
Don't go near,
Don't go beyond,
Don't even think about the borders,
Don't even think of the reasons,
You'll eventually understand why.


JINN

The voice of the heart

What am I?
What am I doing now?
What do I want?
What is there to look for?
I'm reflecting in silence,
Hoping for answers that remain unknown,
Searching for hope that never comes.

I told myself endlessly ,
That there is something to look forward to in this finite space,
That there is something to see and feel in this limited expansion,
That it is going to be worth it to chase for.

Truth to be told,
I myself have no idea.

Back then,
I was determined of practically everything,
Determined to be the best,
Determined to be what they called role model,
Determined to be the person that people envy.

And yes,
Those days were harsh and yet fulfilling.
The pain of struggles,
I would say fillers to holes inside me which turn into poisonous venom eventually.

Reason?
Some things just don't need reason to occur.
Some things are best left unanswered,
Best to be unknown,
Because if you know,
Everything is not as it seems.

JINN

A letter to Atok (お祖父ちゃんへ の手紙)

Assalamualaikum Atok,

How are you? Wishing you a peaceful life on the other side. The reason why I'm writing this letter is just simply because I miss you. I miss you for the longest time and it took me quite a while to figure that out. You waved us goodbye about two years ago unexpectedly in one fine and peaceful afternoon. When the news came to me at first, I didn't really get shocked honestly because you cheated inevitability few times and I thought that is just one of your tricks which turned out to be real. I couldn't believe the news until I saw you lying down in front of me still wearing house clothes with your eyes deep close. I touched your crinkled arms and they were cold but you had always been that cold. I tried to wake you up, and for the first time you didn't even budge to dodge it. You keep your eyes close as I touched your cold arms. I could still remember vividly how I used to massage those fragile arms and applied moisturiser on those to keep your skin moisturised. The sense was still the same physically and yet i knew something was amiss. The soul had gone to where it is belonged to. As I saw them washing you up gently, i remembered that mom and I did the same before but it was just the two of us during that time. Now, there were a lot of them who took the honour as a final respect for you. Atok, I just want you to know that those days when I accompanied mom to take care of you was one of my precious moments I have ever had in my life and if I were to repeat those moments again, i wouldn't be mind to do it again.

It wasn't an easy task to be honest as it required a great amount of patience and tolerance but one thing that I learned from that moment is love wins, always. Two women that I treasure the most up until now is my mom and your forever wife, nenek. The thing that had drove me that far to do the impossibilities was also because of them. I couldn't bear to see them getting lethargic and restless at the end of the day that I willingly gave my full strengths just to ease their tasks. Mom told me not to interfere jobs that required her and nenek to carry you or to clean you but I knew nenek is ageing so do mom and the power that they both have are somewhat limited. Mom reminded me to stay out but she also knew that it was impossible to do it with just nenek because nenek is also just like you, getting old and fragile. In the end, after I strongly insisted and after I showed mom things that i was able to do, she finally trusted me to help her along. Mom is a strong woman and she loves her parents unconditionally. I see that within her, the way she treated you and the way she treats nenek. The way that I wish I could do the same to her and to my dad as well.

Atok, do you still remember that I played your favourite song on the laptop to keep you company as silence had become too deafening? You were a fan of Frank Sinatra, a singer that i'd never knew the existence of until you told me. I couldn't recall the title of the song but if I listen to the song again, i am keen that I still remember the song that you had liked the most. Nenek disliked the fact that I played the song because she preferred you to recite the religious meditation(zikr) rather than listening to worldly songs. She asked me to remind you to zikr and you responded I had becoming like nenek. I laughed to that honestly. I reminded you to zikr merely because she asked me to but she was right too, actually. You have to balance between worldly things and also afterlife things. I was too naive that time and all I could think of was to give you instant happiness when the fact that the never-ending happiness is actually on the other side.

Atok, do you still remember that i painted your nails with peel-off nail polish? As i recall that, i probably the only granddaughter who actually braved enough to paint your nails with nail polish. Thank you for not retaliating and played along with me. I thought those would look pretty on you but i guess nail polish are simply women thing. You still rocked in those nail polish too, though. I did that probably because i was tired of looking at you day in and day out doing the same thing over and over again. I wished by doing that I could sprinkle a bit of glitters on your remaining bored days. Honestly, i wished you to stay longer. Mom and I took the opportunity to learn how to take care of you by lending hands to nenek because if nenek is no longer around or if she is no longer capable to take care of you, we can actually take over the honour.

2 years had passed by and yet when ever you come into my mind, i could still shed tears. Probably because I thought that I could have done better when you are still around and at the time you waved us goodbye, i couldn't properly send you off and i didn't tell you that I'm really sorry for what ever I had did when I was taking care of you. I'm a human too and I believe that while taking care of you, I probably had uttered something that I wasn't suppose to say and I probably had disrespect you in any ways that I might not realised. I'm really sorry Atok for not being able to take care of you longer, for not being able to give you full comfort, and for not being able to be a good listener. Till we meet again, Atok. In the mean time, let me have the honour to cherish you in my memory for as long as I could remember. Goodbye. Assalamualaikum(Peace be upon you).

Yours sincerely,
Your eccentric granddaughter

Friend(友人)

Friend

"a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."

There are quite a number of people who come into my life and paint some colors on my so-called boring life but there are very small number of them that I wish to keep. There are very few of them that I wish to hang on to or hold on to. I used to think that friendship is just a thing that people create to feel belonging, or a thing that people create just to have fun. Nothing more could be less. To be honest, i'd never truly treasure friendship as much as I am now. Being an adult is actually something i guess. It took me about 19 years to figure out what true friends are for and what is the real meaning of friend. Being betrayed at a very young age probably disrupt the whole meaning I guess but I'm lucky enough that I don't dwell into that kind of thinking forever. I found a lot kind of friends as i am ageing and probably more to come. Friend for benefits are the kind of friend that I have encountered the most up until now but honestly, i don't really care. Yes, i care about that A LOT at first but life is too short to care about  things that don't really affect your life so I just let it pass. At the end of the day, they just need to survive. Humans are naturally desperate and they have to do what ever they could for the sake of their life continuity. I can't be too selfish too, can I? I'm a human too so basically if not all I could somewhat understand here and there a little bit i guess about norms logic. Sigh. Humans are unique in their own ways and that is probably why I fall for them as much as I'm disappointed with them.

Along the way, I also found very few of them that I can actually called as a friend who truly have a tender heart, who are able to give you peace just being by their side and who are actually there for you at your lowest point. I kind of feel guilty that i overlook this very small circle that I have until I'm cornered at the edge of cliff of breaking down. When I thought that nobody would be there when i was about to fall of the cliff, I was wrong. Just that I need to louder my voice and try to reach for them. They're actually there waiting to be heard all the time. It took me ample time to figure that out. I had always thought that I provide myself a back support but to be honest it wasn't just me who support me to be this far. Family and friends are the strongest back support in my 19 years of my life. It can't be denied that there are some family members and friends who try to tear me down but then not all apples in the basket are rotten, right? You just have to find some goods in those and if you look at those clearly, you'll find out which is the edible ones and the rotten ones.

There are times when I lost in my own wonders and I started to question everything. If you are a believer like me, that is probably not a good news. You can't be fully contented with joy all the time, can you? There are times when you just don't know what you are doing and what you are here for. Some things that were used to be clear to you are something that is very blurry to you now. You just simply lost. Unhappy. Do you know that sometimes happiness is not found within ourselves but actually within someone else? Yes, finding happiness within ourselves is the peak of happiness but just because it is not at the peak does not mean that it couldn't provide you full contentment, right? Making others laugh, provide others comfort, give others help can also be some sort of happiness and contentment. I found out that I wish to be that person towards the people that I wish to keep in my very small circle. Seeing people's smile face, listening to them laugh, and being able to understand them is truly a blessing for me. To sum up, i found happiness not just within myself but also within others too. Others that I can truly call a friend.

Yours sincerely,

JINN

Gratefulness(感謝する)

Gratefulness(感謝する)

"In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy."
-Brother David Steindl-Rast-

A word that is easy to be uttered but truthfully hard to be applied in daily life and honestly, i too struggle to practice gratefulness in my life. I know that this is not just merely an empty word and if you and I do not have this in our life, we won't be able to make peace within ourselves. Gratefulness is when you are thankful of what you have and do not demand for more. There is no wrong in demanding for more but it also depends on the occasion and situation. Jealousy is the root cause of ungratefulness. Hence, in order to be grateful, firstly we should remove the jealousy that has embedded firmly in our heart. Everyone has that somewhere in their heart so don't judge yourself just because you have that sort of feeling.

However, that feeling has to be curb as gentle and as careful as possible because if jealousy has control your mind and emotion, it could lead to other problems. You should be aware by now that not everything that we feel is right and can be pursued. You know yourself well so I believe that you can differentiate between the genuine diamond and the fake ones. Everyone has their own way and views on seeing things so do I. I got jealous easily especially towards someone who has something that I don't have or they just simply have something more than what I have currently.

Eventually, I know the feeling that I have that time is natural but are not to be pursued any further. You have your own purpose or what you want in this life so do I. Will I be wasting my time to be jealous of others? Will I be spending some of my precious time by thinking of what others have that I don't? I don't think I will. Yes, jealousy, the feeling of wanting to have more(greedy) are sometimes good because those push you or make you work harder to achieve what you want but anything that is extreme, too much is no good. Balance is the key to everything especially when you are struggling with something.

I believe that Lord is just in sketching our paths. Often we tend to think that He tends to give more to someone else except for me and He tends to pay attention to someone else but not me. However, if you look at everything neutrally and positively you'll realize that everyone has equal portion to one and another. For example, we tend to judge people that has less money are not happy and people that has a lot of money are happy. If we look at it in different perspective have you ever wonder why there are still people who own a lot of money but committed suicide? Why there are still people who own a lot of money but still feel empty and happy? And why there are people who others see as less fortunate but smile and laugh more than anyone else?

Lord is just and He knows best about us. Things that we wish to have/own are sometimes destructive to us but we tend to ignore that fact because of jealous and greediness. Grateful is when you are thankful of how many eggs in your own basket rather than comparing the number of eggs that you have with someone else's. Today, I'm writing this because i feel ungrateful and jealous of someone else. As I'm writing this, I am actually reflecting myself and trying to make peace within myself. As I'm counting eggs in my own basket, i realized that everyone has equal number of eggs in their basket. If you look at things from various perspective, you'll realize it eventually. Have a nice day!

Love,

JINN

Fragility

Dear,
I know you have tried hard. I know you had done everything within your means to maintain the relationship. And I know you treasure every relationship that you have. Relationships are fragile and yet sweet. It gives you good memories, sweet dreams and sometimes it helps you to go through your hard day. Again, in this impermanent world where everything has its own bad side and good side, so is relationship. Relationship can be a cure or a toxic or both in your life. I bet you have seen enough what kind of toxic relationship and healthy relationship look like and more to come. You also know too well that a relationship is so fragile that it can shatters and remain unfixed for eternity. Life is all about experimenting and sometimes you wonder why most of relationship that you had, mostly ended with heartbreaking and betrayal. You trust people too much and you live expectedly when reality is always out of league of expectation. You become sad because you keep on expecting more and reality ain't playing on your side. You put yourself off guard too often when others live on guard all the time. You just want to be different than anyone else. Conformity is a challenge to you and you struggle to conserve your real self. Nowadays, people take relationship for granted. Be it a friendship, family bond, love-ship, what ever you have it. People tend to take relationship lightly because they no longer believe that relationship can give them happiness and for them, human connection is some sort of orthodox illusion to stay relevant. They replace the human connection with gadgets, unemotional things because they do not want to admit the essentiality of human connection but at the same time they knew something is missing in their life. At the end of the day, even if you are the only person who treasures relationship more than anyone else,  head up and be proud of what you have become. You are special and will always be in your very own way just like the rainbow that appears after the rain, beautiful in its own way.

Love,

JINN

P/s This is just simply a free writing. Something that is on my mind and I want to express it so here it is. Writing doesn't always have to be formal and follows the format, right? Who ever you are, i wish you a nice day ahead. :)oh, and thank you for reading. 

Moving on (2)

A small boy was waving at her not too far but she was too busy reminiscing the moment that the boy eventually approached her. The boy picked up the ball at the left of her foot and stared at her for a while.

“Are you okay? You have been staring at the playground for quite some time. Do you need any help?”

The boy had offered. As if something had shaken her back to reality, she looked at the boy and gave her a sincere smile.

“I’m fine thank you. What is your name, dear? Oh, and thank you for asking me. You are such a sweet boy, dear.”

“My name is Marcus Wil…”

Before he finished saying his name, he turned his back to the right as someone was calling out for his name and waved to the person.

“Here!”

He answered.

“Man, how many times do I have to tell you not to talk with strangers? It’s dangerous you know.”

“But she seems nice, though. And she seems to be lonely. She has been looking at the playground for quite some time.”

She heard a familiar voice. A voice that she longed to hear and a voice that came into her dreams once in a while. She was afraid to turn her back. The guy was standing few metres behind her and was calling the small boy to come back to him.

“I’m going back now. Before that, may I know your name?”

The boy ignored the calling and asked her name.

She could hear the sound of footsteps nearing toward them. She was reluctant to turn back and she was afraid if what she was expecting is actually true.

“Marc, let’s go back. Mommy will be worried if we don’t go back now because we promised her to play at the playground for one hour only, remember?”

He sounded really familiar to her. She couldn’t help herself but to turn to the voice. As she had expected, it was him. The guy was looking at her and finally was looking at her. They exchanged looks. Tears forming under her eyes but she forced herself not to let any tears dropped at any moment from now. She took in a deep breath and started to walk away.

“Wait. You haven’t tell my name yet.”

The boy tried to stop her.

“Is that how you treat someone who was once close to you? The person who you left behind for 5 years with questions and wonders?”

She stopped walking. She looked down and pursed her dry lips. She knew if she looked at him at this moment, she would cry. A type of cry that you make if you lose someone. In fact, she did actually lose someone. Someone that she thought wasn’t important, someone that she thought can be replaced. Over the time, she realized that she had make a big wrong move.

“I’m sorry.”

She looked at him finally. His eyes were tender as ever, and the look that he was giving her was the same look that he gave before she dropped the bomb 5 years ago. A pair of eyes that were full of questions and almost looked like in pain.

“Okay. Marc, let’s go back. Mommy must be waiting.”

He looked away from her. The boy seemed to be confused and eventually follow the guy without pursuing to know her name. The boy probably could sense a tense in the atmosphere that he eventually stop asking for her name.

“My name is Julia!”

She shouted finally but the guy and the boy had already gone.

Just like how simple she broke up with the guy, that was exactly how simple she found out the guy was already engaged. The boy turned out to be his nephew and the girl that he engaged with was one of his best friend. 

The best friend that stood by him as she dumped him coldly, the best friend who always lend a shoulder for him to hang on when he was frustrated for her certain actions. She didn’t blame him, though. Not even a slightest bit. She knew she deserved this and she knew her position too well to accept this reality.

Some stories do not end with happy ending. Why? Because life isn’t always about sweet candies and chocolate. Life is like a game where you win some and you lose some. Don’t find for perfection in life because you’ll never find a thing called perfection as long as you live in this temporary and limited time duration. 

JINN

P/S Thank you for reading if you are reading till the end. I might not be the best writer but I enjoy writing stories so here they are! 

Moving on (1)

“I’m leaving.”

That was the last time she saw him. She believed she would have any regrets leaving him behind. She believed that she could find someone like him after she settled down at new place. Studying abroad had always been her dream and she wouldn’t simply throw away that opportunity just for a guy. Little that she knew, things aren’t as simple as that.

She could have offered alternatives to him or even explain clearly things to him but she didn’t. She just didn’t want to complicate things that already are. She knew this is for the best, at least which is what she had thought. Relationship? She knew she wasn’t the type who would sacrifice herself for the sake of love. To her, love comes later after herself. She had learnt that at the end of the day, she just need to walk this path. Alone.

She knew if that if she had explain things to him properly, he would have understood but she just too lazy to do those. She just want to escape the dramas, explaining things episode and justifying her actions for never telling him her biggest dream which is studying abroad.

She heard her name being called after she said she was leaving but she turned her back and left. She knew she might left permanent scare to someone’s heart but she couldn’t afford to lose her things even to him or anyone else.

5 years flew by and she had returned for real. She knew that she could just simply continue to stay abroad but she didn’t do that. There is something that she was looking for, something that is bigger than what she has now, something that she once had and simply let it go.

She returned back to her hometown, to her old home. The home that kept memories that she ached to remember and memories that she wished to forget. The house that she left 5 years ago remained untouched. A creek sound of the main door as she opened the door reminded her of her life 5 years ago.

She used to be that cheerful and lively person. A person who always had something to talk about, a person who got along with people easily, a person that was once favored by everyone. She didn’t know at which turning point of her life that those part of hers are slowly diminishing and eventually gone along with the passed time.

She knew she had to take a fresh air. The house that was left for 5 years smelt nothing but pain and sorrow, also dusts. She walked around her neighbourhood for a while. Everything seemed different and unfamiliar. She greeted Mrs Duncan, a middle aged housewife who lives at the end of her neighbourhood who always goes out every late afternoon to water her flowers and maybe to do some gardening.

She looked a little bit old and there were few wrinkles already formed at the corner of her eyes. 5 years can really make different, she had thought. She had a cup of tea and also a little chat with Mrs Duncan. She could see just from Mrs Duncan expression that she was glad to meet her again. She asked her if she was coming back for real and she just gave her a polite smile.        

Three days had passed by and she had been staying at home. After the visit at Mrs Duncan house and after she had bought all the basic necessities, she never went out of her house. She found out the person that she was probably looking for was no longer here. The person had moved out from the neighbourhood 3 years ago. 

She was expecting the news but she didn’t understand why her heart beat vigorously. She longed for that person, honestly speaking. She was tired of lying to herself and denying the things that is actually important to her.

She eventually made herself out of the house. She knew nothing could be done if she continued to stay at home but then even if she came out of the house, the past is still permanent and unfixed. She went to the playground that is located 3 miles from her house. She used to ride bicycle to come here but now she came here by walking. She planned to free walk, which means wherever she walks that is her destination. She didn’t expect to be at the playground but since she was here, she took a seat at one of the bench.

The sound of kids laughing wholeheartedly, the sound of kids running freely reminded her of moments that she had actually missed since she left. She was too eager observing the kids climbing up the climbers, the two kids who were competing who can swing the highest until she didn’t realized that a small green ball had rolled to her feet.

“Excuse me. Excuse me!”

To be continued

Discovering a piece of me here

#This might probably the longest essay I have written so far on my blog.#

**You've been warned**

I was born in November, 1998 at one of the hospitals in Kuala Lumpur but I spent most of my life in Johor until last year which changed everything. Since I was small, I knew I was different from the rest. Growing up, I don't really have much friends that I can really call a friend. I befriended with people because that was what everyone was doing. I didn't want to be called a loner and I didn't want to look and to sound like a loser. At one point, I found out that I wasn't being myself in the crowd and eventually I stopped finding acceptance in the crowd. I somehow realized I just wasn't belonged to any of the crowds that I had encountered so far. As I struggled to defy the norms to be accepted in the crowd, I came up with a hypothesis that maybe I just simply hate the country that I currently lived in. 

The grass is always greener on the other side and of course they are. I was very lucky that I was able to go to oversea at a very young age as a tourist with my family. When ever i go to oversea, i always have the "I don't want to go back. I want to stay here." feeling and thought. I also had this crazy idea that one fine day, I'll leave this country and continue my life at a new place where people are different from me and they literally don't know me. Anyways, it's just going to be the same as I am now, that was what i actually thought. I struggle to stand up as myself in a society that wants me to be 'this' or 'that' way. To sum up, i just want to live truthfully as myself and believe in what I want to believe in. Nowadays, humans live in a fixed pattern way. They are tagged with labels right after they were born, they go to school for 12 years, go to universities, get a job, get married, have kids, have grandkids and eventually die. A cycle that God-knows-who created this sort of cycle and we eventually bonded to this cycle. If you skipped one of the steps, you are considered weird and loser. i had seen someone who tried to defy the cycle, the steps and they ended up living with unwanted stares from the society.

The society is cruel and yet you have no choice because you just have nowhere else to go. You think you can skipped or run away from the society?  Nope, you can't. I don't really have much realistic dreams to be honest. I live normally just like what a good kid should be. I love my parents and so making my parents proud are my number one priority. My dad was an American university graduate. He was proud, really proud of it. He often tells us, me and my brother about his experience in America, his foster parents in America, his broken English while he was in America and so on. I was somewhat intrigued by the stories and I made up my mind that one fine day, I will be an American university graduate too. Hence, i studied hard, excel in my indoor activities(i hate sports), maintain my diplomatic relationship with my friends and somewhat blend in with the society's standard. I found out that education is the only way for me to go out of this country and find out what I really am as I realized that my real self is not here, in this country. I must find her before I turned into a patterned person. 

When you are a God-believer, you just simply know that there are certain things that are just beyond your control and your power. The dream of going to America as a university student crushed just like that when I found out that there aren't any of scholarships available for me to be able to pursue my studies in America. My childhood, my teenage years, i spent those years trying to maintain and improve my grades, on something that I dislike to do but I still do it because that can be a plus point in my resume when I apply the scholarships later on, and i spent those years abandoning my real self believing that after I completed this struggles, i'll go to America and find and live as my true self. 

The economy wasn't that promising even until now. They called it the 10 years cycle. Sigh. My ultimate dream is to leave this country and be an oversea studying student. The place didn't matter to me anymore. I just need to find other ways to leave this country. That was what I had only thought. When I found out that I was accepted into a programme that allows me to study oversea within 3 years, i was overwhelmed with joy and my heart filled with an overflowing enjoyment which lasted only for a week. Let me just tell you this very clear. Lord knows best as He is our creator. Believe it or not, there is no such thing as right or wrong path. You are just meant to be in that path and every good and every bad things that come together are just apart of your journey. Those will make you stronger and wiser to face bigger hurdles in the future. Everything that comes to you is something that you can bear with. Lord doesn't give you something that is beyond your means as He knows you the best.  

There is always reason as to why this thing or that thing happen in our life. Look beyond and you'll find out the answer. I spent most of my years growing up in Johor one of the states in Malaysia. I go to Kuala Lumpur often as one of my grandmas is staying there but honestly I don't know my own country too well until I live in Selangor due to my studies. Being a student enables me to be more independent, 'creative' in many ways and tolerance toward others. As a student, I learnt how to utilise Malaysia's public transport as much as possible because I'm a student and I need to be really thrifty. I am not ashamed to say that I learnt how to use public transport when I was 18 years old. Of course, I did ride bus before but was only for special occasion and not for basic necessities like now where bus and trains are my main transport to go to places. As I begin to explore what my country has to offer, i slowly become more appreciative of my own country. Meeting new people and going places certainly help me in maturing myself. I was given the opportunity to visit few countries and it dawned on me that I was very lucky to be born in Malaysia. Yes, Malaysia might not be the best in terms of everything but it gives me comfort in certain ways at least.  Next, i was given the opportunity to talk with expats who are staying in Malaysia and mostly are happy staying in Malaysia. How irony that people who just come to Malaysia fell in love with Malaysia and some if not all, make Malaysia as a second home when me struggling to leave this country. Some people see Malaysia as a land of the opportunity and some people see Malaysia as a land of warmth and openness. Since Malaysia is a multiracial country, we have no problem in accepting foreigners into our country and we are very glad to help them with directions and so on.  

I rode Mass Rail Transit(MRT) which is a type of train for the first time three weeks ago. To be honest, I was surprised at the same time in awe. Yes, Malaysia's transportation might not be the best like in Hong Kong, Singapore and not to even be compared with Japan but Malaysia is gearing toward those. To be able to go to Kuala Lumpur which was about 50 to 60 KM from my studying place just by using public transport intrigued me. I love using public transport especially MRT because it is fast, and it still continue to widen the range of reachability. I was never really proud of my own country until I actually discovered the other side of my own country. I learnt to appreciate facilities available in Malaysia, the highways, the buildings, the nature, the people and so on after I visited other developing countries. I realized that I love the uniqueness and cultural differences in Malaysia. I grew up in a neighbourhood that is multiracial. I had my left Chinese neighbour and I had left corner lot Indian neighbour. Some might not experience this kind of neighbourhood but I was lucky enough to live in this peaceful and multiracial neighbourhood. I'd never really pay attention to this uniqueness until I further my studies in a place where people around me are from my own race. Back when I was staying in my parents home, every evening there will be a shaking bell can be heard from my house. I probably had asked my parents once about the sound and that is probably how I found out the bell is used by the Hindus for their prayers. Nearing Chinese New year there will be massive fireworks played by someone in my neighbourhood at 12 o'clock in the morning. Some might feel disturbed by the fireworks but then we just simply accept those as an occasional thing. We didn't really complain much about it although we complain about it on twitter or Facebook but it was never something really serious. If things get out of hand, there'll be netizens who will reprimand these people that Malaysia is a multiracial country and fireworks during Chinese New Year is apart of their culture and they are free to celebrate it. Those little and daily things that I experienced made me realized that i love the neighbourhood. They say you start to love something when you lose it. The same thing goes in my situation. I miss those things that i didn't really get to experience in my studying place now.

I concluded that maybe my real self is never out there. She might be somewhere just near me but then I never realized that because I'm too busy assuring myself that she is out there. I'm still searching for her but what I could say now is I found a piece of her here, in Malaysia. I haven't fully discovered my real self yet but I believe time and maturity ease everything. Yes, the urge of leaving the country is still there but the urge to give back something to my country is a new thing in me and the love for my own country is nurturing slowly in me like a growing tree. Life is not a bed of roses and so is Malaysia. But then, if you continue to look at things in a bigger scope and beyond, you'll see that life actually offers you enough and life owes you nothing. Malaysia never owes me anything but I owe something from Malaysia. In conjunction with Malaysia independence day on  31 August 2017 which will remark 60th of independence day, i would like to say thank you to the older generations for giving this colourful future to me and to Malaysians. I really appreciate your endless effort in shaping a better future for new generations like me and generations after me. 

SELAMAT HARI MERDEKA! MALAYSIA TANAH TUMPAH DARAHKU DAN SAYA SAYANG MALAYSIA🌺

P/s This might not be the best story ever about how a person come to love their own country but hey everyone has their own experience and their own point of views. My grammars might not be 100% correct but i'm still trying to improve myself. If you are reading till the end, thank you. 

JINN

Lost

Who am I? What have I becoming to? Why? Just a simple why and that is it. To be at this point of my life(not gonna say where), I gradually becoming a person that I myself no longer know. Is this what we called adulting? I don't know. The old me that although is not that interesting has becoming more and more uninteresting. The me that has always been strong, full of fighting spirit, dare to be different, dare to dream, and the most important part is dare to face against big tides is no longer here. I begin to question myself why? Why the 'me' that I always proud of is no longer here? Where has she gone? Did she go somewhere just for a while? Will she come back? Or what if she'll never come back? What if she is truly dead? I have never hate myself before than I am now honestly. Yes, I do hate myself from time to time but I have never felt disappointed than I am now. I used to be an independent lady and I am always proud for being that person. I used to rely on myself because at the end of day, people just don't give a damn about you. Now? The table somewhat turns. When you have something, they'll be your allies. Otherwise, you are an outcast. I used to have a thought that once I am 18, I am free. Free to think, free to do what ever I want, free to go where ever I want. Truths are bitter, always. A cage that I once thought a temporary cage enlarge as I turned 18. I'm trap within myself. I lied to myself more than ever. I told myself "this is what you want, this is what you need." Truth is I don't know. "You know what you want in your life. This is it." Another lies. I used to be sure of what I want, what I aim for, maybe because the goals are as clear as mineral water in the transparent bottles. Maybe. And now everything seems so cliche. As things have becoming harder and harder, I am pushed to my almost limit. I never knew the term limit actually exist somewhere in me. I started to settle for less. I started to tell myself "everything is fine. Fine is better. Just don't push any further, know your limit." To know that I actually told this to myself surprise me. Where have gone the me that always tell myself "You can do this. Dare to aim high. Nothing is impossible. Yes, you can do this. Yes, this is it." ? Somewhere, anywhere I wish my old self is to be found. I wish. I need her now more than ever.

JINN

Leaving You

She gave up. She gave up on trying, she gave up on believing. She tried to defy the time to no avail because of you. Little that you know she almost sacrifice herself, her life just to defy the odds. The odds that is actually a bitter reality that she had to face but you portrayed it in such way that she saw that as an opportunity not to be missed. You gave her false hope, you diverted her from her original destination, path, whatever you called it. Did she deserved that? She just need a simple answer to clarify. That is it. A simple “no” from you and she’ll move on. She’s not stupid enough to stay after the clarification and you knew that too well. You just need someone to adore you, someone that likes you more than you like them. You promised her empty promises. You promised her things that you don’t have intention on fulfilling it. You don’t care whether she’s hurt or not, you just want a self-satisfaction. She trusted you just like how she believes that everything is made for reasons. She tried her best to impress you so that you’ll look at her as a real person. She knew her place too well but she wanted to defy the odds so badly that she tried and tried and tried until she was at the peak of her limitation. She thought that some things are meant to be infinity but she was wrong and she learnt it in the hard way. Everything has a limit. Humans are limited to years, foods are limited to their expiry dates and so on. She knew something was amiss but she was afraid if she was wrong. Thus, she endured her insecurities, her disappointment, her annoyance, and everything to herself. She thought she was strong enough until one day she was pinned at her own limitations. She was scared to make decisions, she was scared to move on, she was scared to leave you behind but she knew that is for the best. She had finally realized that you don’t need her. You just want to have a short-term fun where she wanted a long-term ally, comrade, someone that she can shares everything. In the end, she left. She left because her mind told her to do so although her heart rebelled viciously. She realized that if she stays, she’ll not be happy and finally she’ll lost herself. She knows at the end of the day, the only precious thing that is left is herself and if she sacrifices herself now, she’ll regret it for the rest of her life.

JINN

Heaven and Hell

Have you ever wonder why do you live? Have you ever be curious about the reasons? I believe that everyone has different reasons of living. We are humans and we exist to complete each other’s need. At least that is what I believed in. For today’s blog, honestly I don’t have any specific title and this is just my random thoughts as I have been not really in my excited state. I believe in YOLO(You only live once) but there’s more which I longed ago came up with which is YOLOH(You only live once here). I appreciate every single day of my existence truthfully. I thanked God for the continuous blessing that I gain every day. I thanked God for an awesome life that I have currently. To sum up, I am thankful for being alive as human. 

Of course, there are days when I’m just so tired of living that I just want to sleep for the longest time but I’m scared of the unknown, infinity. Some people asked about the existence of heaven and hell. I’m pretty conservative about this topic actually since I believe in both ever since I was a kid. I didn’t doubt those existence maybe due to my religious background. I am neither pious person nor religious. You might wonder if I am not that religious, how can I believe in those unseen places? The reason is quite simple, I have a faith about it. I believe that once I die, there’s more to it. There’s more to than just turn into tiny airs, there’s more than just end of the story like drama or movies you seen on TV. 

We come from an unknown infinity and so we are going back to the infinity. Life is self is a form of probability. There’s always 50% chance to turn into that or and another 50% chance to turn into this. The same goes to afterlife. There’s 50% chance that heaven and hell exist and 50% chance that heaven and hell do not exist. I 100% believe that heaven and hell exist. How can you 100% believe that those two exist when you said earlier that 50% of yes and 50% of no? The reason is quite simple. We are humans and we interpret things differently in different ways. That is merely a general percentage. The percentage varies according to people.

HOW I CAME UP WITH 100% of faith about heaven and hell?

1. 50%-religious faith

2. 50%-My logical thinking

             1. I believe that all my good deeds are counted

             2. If it is possible for me to live in this life, why is it impossible to have another dimension of                  life?

If at the end of the day those actually didn’t exist, that’s fine because I have tried to live my life decently and tried to do good things to others. People are disappointing but at the same time are interesting. Also sinned in a lot of ways including me.

So.. that is my random thoughts of the day. I’m just so broken currently but don’t worry I’m far from committing suicide because I’m a life treasurer and a life-getter. If you are reading this with broken feelings, don’t worry you are not alone. Trust me, good things will happen to you soon. It’s just a matter of time. J

Welcome, Juniors!

Hello peeps and hello also to my kouhai(junior) to be who is reading this post. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but if you actually are reading this, send me some clues. I’ll appreciate it.

Yosh!

So for my post today, I dedicated this post especially to all my beloved Kouhai(s). First and for most, I would like to express my warm welcome to you guys who got accepted to this programme. Congratulations on your acceptance! I heard that most or all of you guys possess 7A++ in your 2016 SPM result. For that, Congratulations too!!

I’m quite certain that most of you guys must have heard about rumours regarding our programme right? What I can tell you is that most of the rumours are true. If you are the kind of person who cannot handle stress properly, well, I guess you should really improve on that part. Next, if you are the kind of person who always score with flying colours and rarely fail (not as in literally fail but you’ll get what I mean when you start to be a part of us), please get yourself prepared because you’ll experience it eventually.

Precious stones don’t come in cheap prices. That’s all I can say. You guys..I mean we are actually very lucky to be in this programme with our current uncertain economy condition. My advice to you is if you have already gotten this programme, don’t ever think to quit/change programme because this programme is the best catch among other programme. You’ll get to learn new language which is obviously Japanese and guess what with this programme, within 3 months you could actually speak the language!(although not really fluent but you’ll actually be surprise with what you had learnt within 3 months).

Next, I’m gonna share with you some common phrases that you might say without you realizing it and also my replies to those phrases. Since I had already experience those beforehand and also still experiencing those at slightly a different phase than you, I hope this post will actually help you continuing your life in this programme maybe?

1. “During my school year, I used to think that I’m clever but now not so anymore or am I actually stupid?”

Malay: “Masa sekolah dulu, rasa macam pandai. Masuk sini rasa bodoh.” <-Quoted from my 2 years older senpai(senior)

My reply: You are not STUPID! You just need time to actually get used to the system. Yes there will be times when most of your friends score in the quiz but you didn’t. Relax, and believe there will always be next time. Tell yourself, you’ll do better next time. In this programme, one of the most important thing is to learn how to get up after you fall. It’s okay to fall sometimes but don’t fall all the time or you are screwed for REAL!

2. “Can I actually memorize all this? This is A LOT! It seems impossible!!”

  Malay: “Boleh ke aku hafal semua ni? Banyak giler! macam mustahil je!!”

My reply: Nope, it is not impossible and you’ll eventually memorize those because you HAVE to and it is a MUST! If you are the type of person who hates memorizing, I’m sorry to say but welcome to a fun fair where you will enjoy the fun in misery.

3. “I’m screwed. I’m dead.”

  Malay: “Habislah aku! Matilah aku!”

My reply: You are dead,man. I’m sorry but it’s okay. You still have about 3 to 4 lifeline but if you finish all the lifeline being dead…..please try not to do that.

4. “Will I survive this programme?”

  Malay:”Boleh ke aku survive?”

My reply: In shaa Allah you will. This is actually the thing that I worry the most up until now. The question that you will continue to ask yourself again and again. You don’t want to think about it because it literally beyond your control but you can’t help but to wonder endlessly. If you ask me, will I survive this programme? I’ll say I don’t know but I wish I survive in this programme till the end with flying colours. That is my current wish and maybe my constant wish for next 4,5 years.

There are still a lot of common phrases that you might come across being in this programme but I don’t want to be a spoiler although I just spilled a bit. The best experience is the first hand experience. I might not know all of you and you might not know me too and that’s fine. If you do know me, feel free to say hi. I’m friendly most of the time(I guess). Shall you have any inquiries, feel free to comment or send me message!! :D

Lastly, 頑張りましょう！一緒に日本へ行きましょう！（Let’s work hard! Let’s go to Japan                                                                                                             together）

NIJ

Down

 Maybe I am destined to be alone forever. I don't ask much i guess but maybe in the eyes of others I ask for something impossible, something that maybe is not mine at all. I want to live, laugh, love with someone that I am compatible with, someone that I can freely talk to. When i thought I found one, that's where I am at my most wrong. The person that I wanted to be with, to laugh along with, belongs to someone else or at least like someone else. You may like me but not as much as I like you. You saw me at my weakest point and yet you turned away. You turned your head, close your eyes and ears and acted as if I didn't exist. In the eyes of others, you may have something for me but truthfully you don't. Not even slightest. You came to me only during my good times and happy times. I want to give up. On you. On this so called true feeling, love, what ever you call it, And countlessly I failed. I contacted you by any chance that I see. How pathetic and yet I repeatedly do it again and again. And if you are reading this, you know who you are. As if you'll ever read this. Sigh