Lost

Who am I? What have I becoming to? Why? Just a simple why and that is it. To be at this point of my life(not gonna say where), I gradually becoming a person that I myself no longer know. Is this what we called adulting? I don't know. The old me that although is not that interesting has becoming more and more uninteresting. The me that has always been strong, full of fighting spirit, dare to be different, dare to dream, and the most important part is dare to face against big tides is no longer here. I begin to question myself why? Why the 'me' that I always proud of is no longer here? Where has she gone? Did she go somewhere just for a while? Will she come back? Or what if she'll never come back? What if she is truly dead? I have never hate myself before than I am now honestly. Yes, I do hate myself from time to time but I have never felt disappointed than I am now. I used to be an independent lady and I am always proud for being that person. I used to rely on myself because at the end of day, people just don't give a damn about you. Now? The table somewhat turns. When you have something, they'll be your allies. Otherwise, you are an outcast. I used to have a thought that once I am 18, I am free. Free to think, free to do what ever I want, free to go where ever I want. Truths are bitter, always. A cage that I once thought a temporary cage enlarge as I turned 18. I'm trap within myself. I lied to myself more than ever. I told myself "this is what you want, this is what you need." Truth is I don't know. "You know what you want in your life. This is it." Another lies. I used to be sure of what I want, what I aim for, maybe because the goals are as clear as mineral water in the transparent bottles. Maybe. And now everything seems so cliche. As things have becoming harder and harder, I am pushed to my almost limit. I never knew the term limit actually exist somewhere in me. I started to settle for less. I started to tell myself "everything is fine. Fine is better. Just don't push any further, know your limit." To know that I actually told this to myself surprise me. Where have gone the me that always tell myself "You can do this. Dare to aim high. Nothing is impossible. Yes, you can do this. Yes, this is it." ? Somewhere, anywhere I wish my old self is to be found. I wish. I need her now more than ever.

JINN