Discovering a piece of me here

#This might probably the longest essay I have written so far on my blog.#

**You've been warned**

I was born in November, 1998 at one of the hospitals in Kuala Lumpur but I spent most of my life in Johor until last year which changed everything. Since I was small, I knew I was different from the rest. Growing up, I don't really have much friends that I can really call a friend. I befriended with people because that was what everyone was doing. I didn't want to be called a loner and I didn't want to look and to sound like a loser. At one point, I found out that I wasn't being myself in the crowd and eventually I stopped finding acceptance in the crowd. I somehow realized I just wasn't belonged to any of the crowds that I had encountered so far. As I struggled to defy the norms to be accepted in the crowd, I came up with a hypothesis that maybe I just simply hate the country that I currently lived in. 

The grass is always greener on the other side and of course they are. I was very lucky that I was able to go to oversea at a very young age as a tourist with my family. When ever i go to oversea, i always have the "I don't want to go back. I want to stay here." feeling and thought. I also had this crazy idea that one fine day, I'll leave this country and continue my life at a new place where people are different from me and they literally don't know me. Anyways, it's just going to be the same as I am now, that was what i actually thought. I struggle to stand up as myself in a society that wants me to be 'this' or 'that' way. To sum up, i just want to live truthfully as myself and believe in what I want to believe in. Nowadays, humans live in a fixed pattern way. They are tagged with labels right after they were born, they go to school for 12 years, go to universities, get a job, get married, have kids, have grandkids and eventually die. A cycle that God-knows-who created this sort of cycle and we eventually bonded to this cycle. If you skipped one of the steps, you are considered weird and loser. i had seen someone who tried to defy the cycle, the steps and they ended up living with unwanted stares from the society.

The society is cruel and yet you have no choice because you just have nowhere else to go. You think you can skipped or run away from the society?  Nope, you can't. I don't really have much realistic dreams to be honest. I live normally just like what a good kid should be. I love my parents and so making my parents proud are my number one priority. My dad was an American university graduate. He was proud, really proud of it. He often tells us, me and my brother about his experience in America, his foster parents in America, his broken English while he was in America and so on. I was somewhat intrigued by the stories and I made up my mind that one fine day, I will be an American university graduate too. Hence, i studied hard, excel in my indoor activities(i hate sports), maintain my diplomatic relationship with my friends and somewhat blend in with the society's standard. I found out that education is the only way for me to go out of this country and find out what I really am as I realized that my real self is not here, in this country. I must find her before I turned into a patterned person. 

When you are a God-believer, you just simply know that there are certain things that are just beyond your control and your power. The dream of going to America as a university student crushed just like that when I found out that there aren't any of scholarships available for me to be able to pursue my studies in America. My childhood, my teenage years, i spent those years trying to maintain and improve my grades, on something that I dislike to do but I still do it because that can be a plus point in my resume when I apply the scholarships later on, and i spent those years abandoning my real self believing that after I completed this struggles, i'll go to America and find and live as my true self. 

The economy wasn't that promising even until now. They called it the 10 years cycle. Sigh. My ultimate dream is to leave this country and be an oversea studying student. The place didn't matter to me anymore. I just need to find other ways to leave this country. That was what I had only thought. When I found out that I was accepted into a programme that allows me to study oversea within 3 years, i was overwhelmed with joy and my heart filled with an overflowing enjoyment which lasted only for a week. Let me just tell you this very clear. Lord knows best as He is our creator. Believe it or not, there is no such thing as right or wrong path. You are just meant to be in that path and every good and every bad things that come together are just apart of your journey. Those will make you stronger and wiser to face bigger hurdles in the future. Everything that comes to you is something that you can bear with. Lord doesn't give you something that is beyond your means as He knows you the best.  

There is always reason as to why this thing or that thing happen in our life. Look beyond and you'll find out the answer. I spent most of my years growing up in Johor one of the states in Malaysia. I go to Kuala Lumpur often as one of my grandmas is staying there but honestly I don't know my own country too well until I live in Selangor due to my studies. Being a student enables me to be more independent, 'creative' in many ways and tolerance toward others. As a student, I learnt how to utilise Malaysia's public transport as much as possible because I'm a student and I need to be really thrifty. I am not ashamed to say that I learnt how to use public transport when I was 18 years old. Of course, I did ride bus before but was only for special occasion and not for basic necessities like now where bus and trains are my main transport to go to places. As I begin to explore what my country has to offer, i slowly become more appreciative of my own country. Meeting new people and going places certainly help me in maturing myself. I was given the opportunity to visit few countries and it dawned on me that I was very lucky to be born in Malaysia. Yes, Malaysia might not be the best in terms of everything but it gives me comfort in certain ways at least.  Next, i was given the opportunity to talk with expats who are staying in Malaysia and mostly are happy staying in Malaysia. How irony that people who just come to Malaysia fell in love with Malaysia and some if not all, make Malaysia as a second home when me struggling to leave this country. Some people see Malaysia as a land of the opportunity and some people see Malaysia as a land of warmth and openness. Since Malaysia is a multiracial country, we have no problem in accepting foreigners into our country and we are very glad to help them with directions and so on.  

I rode Mass Rail Transit(MRT) which is a type of train for the first time three weeks ago. To be honest, I was surprised at the same time in awe. Yes, Malaysia's transportation might not be the best like in Hong Kong, Singapore and not to even be compared with Japan but Malaysia is gearing toward those. To be able to go to Kuala Lumpur which was about 50 to 60 KM from my studying place just by using public transport intrigued me. I love using public transport especially MRT because it is fast, and it still continue to widen the range of reachability. I was never really proud of my own country until I actually discovered the other side of my own country. I learnt to appreciate facilities available in Malaysia, the highways, the buildings, the nature, the people and so on after I visited other developing countries. I realized that I love the uniqueness and cultural differences in Malaysia. I grew up in a neighbourhood that is multiracial. I had my left Chinese neighbour and I had left corner lot Indian neighbour. Some might not experience this kind of neighbourhood but I was lucky enough to live in this peaceful and multiracial neighbourhood. I'd never really pay attention to this uniqueness until I further my studies in a place where people around me are from my own race. Back when I was staying in my parents home, every evening there will be a shaking bell can be heard from my house. I probably had asked my parents once about the sound and that is probably how I found out the bell is used by the Hindus for their prayers. Nearing Chinese New year there will be massive fireworks played by someone in my neighbourhood at 12 o'clock in the morning. Some might feel disturbed by the fireworks but then we just simply accept those as an occasional thing. We didn't really complain much about it although we complain about it on twitter or Facebook but it was never something really serious. If things get out of hand, there'll be netizens who will reprimand these people that Malaysia is a multiracial country and fireworks during Chinese New Year is apart of their culture and they are free to celebrate it. Those little and daily things that I experienced made me realized that i love the neighbourhood. They say you start to love something when you lose it. The same thing goes in my situation. I miss those things that i didn't really get to experience in my studying place now.

I concluded that maybe my real self is never out there. She might be somewhere just near me but then I never realized that because I'm too busy assuring myself that she is out there. I'm still searching for her but what I could say now is I found a piece of her here, in Malaysia. I haven't fully discovered my real self yet but I believe time and maturity ease everything. Yes, the urge of leaving the country is still there but the urge to give back something to my country is a new thing in me and the love for my own country is nurturing slowly in me like a growing tree. Life is not a bed of roses and so is Malaysia. But then, if you continue to look at things in a bigger scope and beyond, you'll see that life actually offers you enough and life owes you nothing. Malaysia never owes me anything but I owe something from Malaysia. In conjunction with Malaysia independence day on  31 August 2017 which will remark 60th of independence day, i would like to say thank you to the older generations for giving this colourful future to me and to Malaysians. I really appreciate your endless effort in shaping a better future for new generations like me and generations after me. 

SELAMAT HARI MERDEKA! MALAYSIA TANAH TUMPAH DARAHKU DAN SAYA SAYANG MALAYSIA🌺

P/s This might not be the best story ever about how a person come to love their own country but hey everyone has their own experience and their own point of views. My grammars might not be 100% correct but i'm still trying to improve myself. If you are reading till the end, thank you. 

JINN