Moving on (2)

A small boy was waving at her not too far but she was too busy reminiscing the moment that the boy eventually approached her. The boy picked up the ball at the left of her foot and stared at her for a while.

“Are you okay? You have been staring at the playground for quite some time. Do you need any help?”

The boy had offered. As if something had shaken her back to reality, she looked at the boy and gave her a sincere smile.

“I’m fine thank you. What is your name, dear? Oh, and thank you for asking me. You are such a sweet boy, dear.”

“My name is Marcus Wil…”

Before he finished saying his name, he turned his back to the right as someone was calling out for his name and waved to the person.

“Here!”

He answered.

“Man, how many times do I have to tell you not to talk with strangers? It’s dangerous you know.”

“But she seems nice, though. And she seems to be lonely. She has been looking at the playground for quite some time.”

She heard a familiar voice. A voice that she longed to hear and a voice that came into her dreams once in a while. She was afraid to turn her back. The guy was standing few metres behind her and was calling the small boy to come back to him.

“I’m going back now. Before that, may I know your name?”

The boy ignored the calling and asked her name.

She could hear the sound of footsteps nearing toward them. She was reluctant to turn back and she was afraid if what she was expecting is actually true.

“Marc, let’s go back. Mommy will be worried if we don’t go back now because we promised her to play at the playground for one hour only, remember?”

He sounded really familiar to her. She couldn’t help herself but to turn to the voice. As she had expected, it was him. The guy was looking at her and finally was looking at her. They exchanged looks. Tears forming under her eyes but she forced herself not to let any tears dropped at any moment from now. She took in a deep breath and started to walk away.

“Wait. You haven’t tell my name yet.”

The boy tried to stop her.

“Is that how you treat someone who was once close to you? The person who you left behind for 5 years with questions and wonders?”

She stopped walking. She looked down and pursed her dry lips. She knew if she looked at him at this moment, she would cry. A type of cry that you make if you lose someone. In fact, she did actually lose someone. Someone that she thought wasn’t important, someone that she thought can be replaced. Over the time, she realized that she had make a big wrong move.

“I’m sorry.”

She looked at him finally. His eyes were tender as ever, and the look that he was giving her was the same look that he gave before she dropped the bomb 5 years ago. A pair of eyes that were full of questions and almost looked like in pain.

“Okay. Marc, let’s go back. Mommy must be waiting.”

He looked away from her. The boy seemed to be confused and eventually follow the guy without pursuing to know her name. The boy probably could sense a tense in the atmosphere that he eventually stop asking for her name.

“My name is Julia!”

She shouted finally but the guy and the boy had already gone.

Just like how simple she broke up with the guy, that was exactly how simple she found out the guy was already engaged. The boy turned out to be his nephew and the girl that he engaged with was one of his best friend. 

The best friend that stood by him as she dumped him coldly, the best friend who always lend a shoulder for him to hang on when he was frustrated for her certain actions. She didn’t blame him, though. Not even a slightest bit. She knew she deserved this and she knew her position too well to accept this reality.

Some stories do not end with happy ending. Why? Because life isn’t always about sweet candies and chocolate. Life is like a game where you win some and you lose some. Don’t find for perfection in life because you’ll never find a thing called perfection as long as you live in this temporary and limited time duration. 

JINN

P/S Thank you for reading if you are reading till the end. I might not be the best writer but I enjoy writing stories so here they are! 

Moving on (1)

“I’m leaving.”

That was the last time she saw him. She believed she would have any regrets leaving him behind. She believed that she could find someone like him after she settled down at new place. Studying abroad had always been her dream and she wouldn’t simply throw away that opportunity just for a guy. Little that she knew, things aren’t as simple as that.

She could have offered alternatives to him or even explain clearly things to him but she didn’t. She just didn’t want to complicate things that already are. She knew this is for the best, at least which is what she had thought. Relationship? She knew she wasn’t the type who would sacrifice herself for the sake of love. To her, love comes later after herself. She had learnt that at the end of the day, she just need to walk this path. Alone.

She knew if that if she had explain things to him properly, he would have understood but she just too lazy to do those. She just want to escape the dramas, explaining things episode and justifying her actions for never telling him her biggest dream which is studying abroad.

She heard her name being called after she said she was leaving but she turned her back and left. She knew she might left permanent scare to someone’s heart but she couldn’t afford to lose her things even to him or anyone else.

5 years flew by and she had returned for real. She knew that she could just simply continue to stay abroad but she didn’t do that. There is something that she was looking for, something that is bigger than what she has now, something that she once had and simply let it go.

She returned back to her hometown, to her old home. The home that kept memories that she ached to remember and memories that she wished to forget. The house that she left 5 years ago remained untouched. A creek sound of the main door as she opened the door reminded her of her life 5 years ago.

She used to be that cheerful and lively person. A person who always had something to talk about, a person who got along with people easily, a person that was once favored by everyone. She didn’t know at which turning point of her life that those part of hers are slowly diminishing and eventually gone along with the passed time.

She knew she had to take a fresh air. The house that was left for 5 years smelt nothing but pain and sorrow, also dusts. She walked around her neighbourhood for a while. Everything seemed different and unfamiliar. She greeted Mrs Duncan, a middle aged housewife who lives at the end of her neighbourhood who always goes out every late afternoon to water her flowers and maybe to do some gardening.

She looked a little bit old and there were few wrinkles already formed at the corner of her eyes. 5 years can really make different, she had thought. She had a cup of tea and also a little chat with Mrs Duncan. She could see just from Mrs Duncan expression that she was glad to meet her again. She asked her if she was coming back for real and she just gave her a polite smile.        

Three days had passed by and she had been staying at home. After the visit at Mrs Duncan house and after she had bought all the basic necessities, she never went out of her house. She found out the person that she was probably looking for was no longer here. The person had moved out from the neighbourhood 3 years ago. 

She was expecting the news but she didn’t understand why her heart beat vigorously. She longed for that person, honestly speaking. She was tired of lying to herself and denying the things that is actually important to her.

She eventually made herself out of the house. She knew nothing could be done if she continued to stay at home but then even if she came out of the house, the past is still permanent and unfixed. She went to the playground that is located 3 miles from her house. She used to ride bicycle to come here but now she came here by walking. She planned to free walk, which means wherever she walks that is her destination. She didn’t expect to be at the playground but since she was here, she took a seat at one of the bench.

The sound of kids laughing wholeheartedly, the sound of kids running freely reminded her of moments that she had actually missed since she left. She was too eager observing the kids climbing up the climbers, the two kids who were competing who can swing the highest until she didn’t realized that a small green ball had rolled to her feet.

“Excuse me. Excuse me!”

To be continued

Discovering a piece of me here

#This might probably the longest essay I have written so far on my blog.#

**You've been warned**

I was born in November, 1998 at one of the hospitals in Kuala Lumpur but I spent most of my life in Johor until last year which changed everything. Since I was small, I knew I was different from the rest. Growing up, I don't really have much friends that I can really call a friend. I befriended with people because that was what everyone was doing. I didn't want to be called a loner and I didn't want to look and to sound like a loser. At one point, I found out that I wasn't being myself in the crowd and eventually I stopped finding acceptance in the crowd. I somehow realized I just wasn't belonged to any of the crowds that I had encountered so far. As I struggled to defy the norms to be accepted in the crowd, I came up with a hypothesis that maybe I just simply hate the country that I currently lived in. 

The grass is always greener on the other side and of course they are. I was very lucky that I was able to go to oversea at a very young age as a tourist with my family. When ever i go to oversea, i always have the "I don't want to go back. I want to stay here." feeling and thought. I also had this crazy idea that one fine day, I'll leave this country and continue my life at a new place where people are different from me and they literally don't know me. Anyways, it's just going to be the same as I am now, that was what i actually thought. I struggle to stand up as myself in a society that wants me to be 'this' or 'that' way. To sum up, i just want to live truthfully as myself and believe in what I want to believe in. Nowadays, humans live in a fixed pattern way. They are tagged with labels right after they were born, they go to school for 12 years, go to universities, get a job, get married, have kids, have grandkids and eventually die. A cycle that God-knows-who created this sort of cycle and we eventually bonded to this cycle. If you skipped one of the steps, you are considered weird and loser. i had seen someone who tried to defy the cycle, the steps and they ended up living with unwanted stares from the society.

The society is cruel and yet you have no choice because you just have nowhere else to go. You think you can skipped or run away from the society?  Nope, you can't. I don't really have much realistic dreams to be honest. I live normally just like what a good kid should be. I love my parents and so making my parents proud are my number one priority. My dad was an American university graduate. He was proud, really proud of it. He often tells us, me and my brother about his experience in America, his foster parents in America, his broken English while he was in America and so on. I was somewhat intrigued by the stories and I made up my mind that one fine day, I will be an American university graduate too. Hence, i studied hard, excel in my indoor activities(i hate sports), maintain my diplomatic relationship with my friends and somewhat blend in with the society's standard. I found out that education is the only way for me to go out of this country and find out what I really am as I realized that my real self is not here, in this country. I must find her before I turned into a patterned person. 

When you are a God-believer, you just simply know that there are certain things that are just beyond your control and your power. The dream of going to America as a university student crushed just like that when I found out that there aren't any of scholarships available for me to be able to pursue my studies in America. My childhood, my teenage years, i spent those years trying to maintain and improve my grades, on something that I dislike to do but I still do it because that can be a plus point in my resume when I apply the scholarships later on, and i spent those years abandoning my real self believing that after I completed this struggles, i'll go to America and find and live as my true self. 

The economy wasn't that promising even until now. They called it the 10 years cycle. Sigh. My ultimate dream is to leave this country and be an oversea studying student. The place didn't matter to me anymore. I just need to find other ways to leave this country. That was what I had only thought. When I found out that I was accepted into a programme that allows me to study oversea within 3 years, i was overwhelmed with joy and my heart filled with an overflowing enjoyment which lasted only for a week. Let me just tell you this very clear. Lord knows best as He is our creator. Believe it or not, there is no such thing as right or wrong path. You are just meant to be in that path and every good and every bad things that come together are just apart of your journey. Those will make you stronger and wiser to face bigger hurdles in the future. Everything that comes to you is something that you can bear with. Lord doesn't give you something that is beyond your means as He knows you the best.  

There is always reason as to why this thing or that thing happen in our life. Look beyond and you'll find out the answer. I spent most of my years growing up in Johor one of the states in Malaysia. I go to Kuala Lumpur often as one of my grandmas is staying there but honestly I don't know my own country too well until I live in Selangor due to my studies. Being a student enables me to be more independent, 'creative' in many ways and tolerance toward others. As a student, I learnt how to utilise Malaysia's public transport as much as possible because I'm a student and I need to be really thrifty. I am not ashamed to say that I learnt how to use public transport when I was 18 years old. Of course, I did ride bus before but was only for special occasion and not for basic necessities like now where bus and trains are my main transport to go to places. As I begin to explore what my country has to offer, i slowly become more appreciative of my own country. Meeting new people and going places certainly help me in maturing myself. I was given the opportunity to visit few countries and it dawned on me that I was very lucky to be born in Malaysia. Yes, Malaysia might not be the best in terms of everything but it gives me comfort in certain ways at least.  Next, i was given the opportunity to talk with expats who are staying in Malaysia and mostly are happy staying in Malaysia. How irony that people who just come to Malaysia fell in love with Malaysia and some if not all, make Malaysia as a second home when me struggling to leave this country. Some people see Malaysia as a land of the opportunity and some people see Malaysia as a land of warmth and openness. Since Malaysia is a multiracial country, we have no problem in accepting foreigners into our country and we are very glad to help them with directions and so on.  

I rode Mass Rail Transit(MRT) which is a type of train for the first time three weeks ago. To be honest, I was surprised at the same time in awe. Yes, Malaysia's transportation might not be the best like in Hong Kong, Singapore and not to even be compared with Japan but Malaysia is gearing toward those. To be able to go to Kuala Lumpur which was about 50 to 60 KM from my studying place just by using public transport intrigued me. I love using public transport especially MRT because it is fast, and it still continue to widen the range of reachability. I was never really proud of my own country until I actually discovered the other side of my own country. I learnt to appreciate facilities available in Malaysia, the highways, the buildings, the nature, the people and so on after I visited other developing countries. I realized that I love the uniqueness and cultural differences in Malaysia. I grew up in a neighbourhood that is multiracial. I had my left Chinese neighbour and I had left corner lot Indian neighbour. Some might not experience this kind of neighbourhood but I was lucky enough to live in this peaceful and multiracial neighbourhood. I'd never really pay attention to this uniqueness until I further my studies in a place where people around me are from my own race. Back when I was staying in my parents home, every evening there will be a shaking bell can be heard from my house. I probably had asked my parents once about the sound and that is probably how I found out the bell is used by the Hindus for their prayers. Nearing Chinese New year there will be massive fireworks played by someone in my neighbourhood at 12 o'clock in the morning. Some might feel disturbed by the fireworks but then we just simply accept those as an occasional thing. We didn't really complain much about it although we complain about it on twitter or Facebook but it was never something really serious. If things get out of hand, there'll be netizens who will reprimand these people that Malaysia is a multiracial country and fireworks during Chinese New Year is apart of their culture and they are free to celebrate it. Those little and daily things that I experienced made me realized that i love the neighbourhood. They say you start to love something when you lose it. The same thing goes in my situation. I miss those things that i didn't really get to experience in my studying place now.

I concluded that maybe my real self is never out there. She might be somewhere just near me but then I never realized that because I'm too busy assuring myself that she is out there. I'm still searching for her but what I could say now is I found a piece of her here, in Malaysia. I haven't fully discovered my real self yet but I believe time and maturity ease everything. Yes, the urge of leaving the country is still there but the urge to give back something to my country is a new thing in me and the love for my own country is nurturing slowly in me like a growing tree. Life is not a bed of roses and so is Malaysia. But then, if you continue to look at things in a bigger scope and beyond, you'll see that life actually offers you enough and life owes you nothing. Malaysia never owes me anything but I owe something from Malaysia. In conjunction with Malaysia independence day on  31 August 2017 which will remark 60th of independence day, i would like to say thank you to the older generations for giving this colourful future to me and to Malaysians. I really appreciate your endless effort in shaping a better future for new generations like me and generations after me. 

SELAMAT HARI MERDEKA! MALAYSIA TANAH TUMPAH DARAHKU DAN SAYA SAYANG MALAYSIA🌺

P/s This might not be the best story ever about how a person come to love their own country but hey everyone has their own experience and their own point of views. My grammars might not be 100% correct but i'm still trying to improve myself. If you are reading till the end, thank you. 

JINN

Lost

Who am I? What have I becoming to? Why? Just a simple why and that is it. To be at this point of my life(not gonna say where), I gradually becoming a person that I myself no longer know. Is this what we called adulting? I don't know. The old me that although is not that interesting has becoming more and more uninteresting. The me that has always been strong, full of fighting spirit, dare to be different, dare to dream, and the most important part is dare to face against big tides is no longer here. I begin to question myself why? Why the 'me' that I always proud of is no longer here? Where has she gone? Did she go somewhere just for a while? Will she come back? Or what if she'll never come back? What if she is truly dead? I have never hate myself before than I am now honestly. Yes, I do hate myself from time to time but I have never felt disappointed than I am now. I used to be an independent lady and I am always proud for being that person. I used to rely on myself because at the end of day, people just don't give a damn about you. Now? The table somewhat turns. When you have something, they'll be your allies. Otherwise, you are an outcast. I used to have a thought that once I am 18, I am free. Free to think, free to do what ever I want, free to go where ever I want. Truths are bitter, always. A cage that I once thought a temporary cage enlarge as I turned 18. I'm trap within myself. I lied to myself more than ever. I told myself "this is what you want, this is what you need." Truth is I don't know. "You know what you want in your life. This is it." Another lies. I used to be sure of what I want, what I aim for, maybe because the goals are as clear as mineral water in the transparent bottles. Maybe. And now everything seems so cliche. As things have becoming harder and harder, I am pushed to my almost limit. I never knew the term limit actually exist somewhere in me. I started to settle for less. I started to tell myself "everything is fine. Fine is better. Just don't push any further, know your limit." To know that I actually told this to myself surprise me. Where have gone the me that always tell myself "You can do this. Dare to aim high. Nothing is impossible. Yes, you can do this. Yes, this is it." ? Somewhere, anywhere I wish my old self is to be found. I wish. I need her now more than ever.

JINN