Story time: New crush #1

Hello!

From now onward, I think I'm just gonna blog about every crush that I have/had in a hope that it'll make me feel a bit better. One-sided crush is tough actually😫Recently, my life isn't that good. Well not bad but just.. not that good. My internship life, I would say under my expectation. I wouldn't elaborate much on that part now considering that it's sort of like a sensitive issue and it's related to something else not just me.. so I'll to avoid to elaborate that thing at least for now.

So yeah, basically I met my new crush at a place where I'm currently interning at. Honestly, I don't know how to convey this story in such poetic, novel-like style, so I'm just gonna cut the chase and straight to the point.

So I met this guy when I was having my lunch which was yesterday(13/9/2018). Just like what I told you earlier, my life isn't that good lately and I have become overly sensitive literally about everything. Easy to say, I'm at grumpy granny mode. I'm doing my intern at university near my home. I wanted to do my intern at factory honestly but my dad wouldn't let me because probably it's too far from home and he just want a place that's near him. #protectivedadmodeon

Well, my dad's working place is literally near my intern place and it just took like what, 5 minutes of walking? My internship period is 8 weeks so currently i'm in the 6th week of my internship period. Malaysia students especially public university starts their new semester this week. Basically, for the past 5 weeks of my intern, the university is sort of empty because students are on their semester break.

I'd never thought that I'll be feeling this but seeing these students meeting up with their friends, going for classes, having lunch together, it just somewhat makes me feel empty and lonely. I am all alone in my internship place with no people who are just like me and people of my age. Being alone at somewhere that is not your place, with people that aren't like you and things that you like to do are suppressed, I would say pretty suck. During my studies, I have always been alone and that was literally fine because during those times I was surrounded by people who are just like me, people of my age and I was free to do what ever I like to do besides I was able to go to class. I have friends whom I can talk to and as much as like being alone, there are times when I love having companions. Now, I just have to bear with the fact that I'm all alone and one more thing that I forgot to tell you. I love speaking in Japanese and I love the fact that during my studies, I was able to mix three languages(Malay, English, Japanese) all together in a sentence and they all would understand what I had said.

My study life is tough and it's a constant mental draining but it was enjoyable because I wasn't alone and there's always someone to turn to when ever things get hard and unbearable. We share the same hardship and we all just simply understand each other.

This blog is supposed to be about me telling you guys about my crush but it turned out to be something else. Oh well, where was I? Oh yes, me meeting my crush during lunch.

I was sitting alone at a table of 5 with 4 empty chairs. I had been waiting for my lunch for like 30 minutes and had been constantly asking about my food to the waiter for about 2 or three times every time they passed by my sitting place. In the end, I thought enough is enough and I went to the kitchen and asked the waiter about my food and if the food isn't prepared yet, I just wanted to cancel the order. The waiter told me the rice was already in a wok and I sat back on the chair. Well, during this time there were still people who were sitting on those 4 empty chairs. The place that I had lunch was fully packed so I had no choice but to sit with literally strangers and the funny thing was after my lunch had arrived, I was the only person that was left sitting on that table. During this time, people had started to subside which means they all had their lunch already and were ready to continue for the rest of the day.

When I was about to eat, suddenly a guy appeared out of nowhere and asked if he could sit on the same table with me and I said okay. So he put his bag on one of the chairs and went to the counter to order some food. Throughout the waiting time I was literally looking down, reminiscing my life, calculating how much longer I should endure this whole thing and when he asked if he could sit on the same table with me, I raised up my face, looking at him and I said okay.

My first impression after looking at him was, "he's a foreign student, isn't he?"

He's a tall guy wearing blue half-zipped up hooded sweatshirt and white with horizontal black stripes shirt under the jacket. If you guys are imagining an English guy then you guys are wrong. He's Asian by all means. Oh and I thought he was a foreign student because he got a unique Malay accent when he asked me if he could sit on the same table with me.

After he was done ordering his food at the counter, he returned back to the table and I thought he was gonna sit somewhere else because he picked up his bag on the chair but it turned out to be, he picked up his bag and put it in front of me and he sat on the chair where he left his bag earlier. I was really curious if he's a foreign student so I braved up myself and asked him.

Me: "Perhaps you are a foreign student?"
Him:"Umm.. no"
Me:"Sabahan?"
Him:"No but I got that one too. When I was in Kota Kinabalu, someone thought that I was an Iban and they spoke Iban language with me but I don't understand."
Me:"Sarawakian?"
Him:"No."

**Sabah and Sarawak is one of the states in Malaysia**
**Iban is a member of an indigenous people of Kalimantan and Sarawak**

@Credit to Google

So I thought for a while and after listening to the way he spoke, I finally got a clue of what he actually is

Me:"Chinese?"
Him:"Yeah. I'm from Perak"

**Perak is one of the states in Malaysia**

What on earth I could be mistaken of Chinese from Perak with indigenous people😂😂

Honestly he didn't look like Chinese at all to me because he has a pair of double eyelids just like me, his face itself isn't Chinese-like. I don't know how to describe his face honestly but I just thought he's a handsome guy who came out straight from a movie. I literally thought he was a Malay with mix blood tho😭

Me: "You're a mix? Perhaps Chindian?"
Him: "Umm no. Umm... I have a mix of Baba and Nyonya."

**Chindian- Chinese and Indian (a term referring to people who have Chinese and Indian parents)**
**Baba and Nyonya- Indigenous people of Malacca who married Chinese and produce offspring which we called as Baba and Nyonya **

And then, a moment of silence.

..............................🕊

Him:"So.. You're a lecturer here?"
Me:"Umm.. no? Do I look that old by the way?"
Him:"Oh, no. I mean you are wearing a gold ring so I thought you're married."
Me:"haha no. I'm interning here. At FKE."
Him:"Oh, how long have you been here? Perhaps 1 semester?"
Me:"No. My interning period is 2 months and I have another 3 weeks to go. Well, I can't wait to go back."
Him:"How is your intern here?"
Me:*Making face😣*
Him:"Haha. Understood. Where do you live here? Why are you doing your internship here?"
Me: "Home. Well, I wanted to do my internship at the factory but my dad wouldn't let me. So here I am.It's near my home."
Him:"So your mom has a friend here?"
Me: "Not really."
Him:"So you just simply apply?"
Me:"Umm.. not really too."

Suddenly he called out his friend who was nearby to sit with us. Probably the friend wanted to have lunch too.

Him:"Anyways, we just finished our intern."
Me:"Let me guess. Perhaps you're 22?"
Him:"Haha no. 23. STPM. He's 22 by the way." *Indicating his friend* "So, you're 22 too?"
Me:"Haha no. I'm 20"
Him: "Oh, young."
Me:"Was your interning experience fun?"
Him: "umm... yeah. I did at *** Global. It was nice though. How bout you?" *Indicating his friend*

And after that he kept talking about his interning experience with his friend which was something highly technical that at one point I no longer understood what both of them were talking about. Definitely something that is related to their course which is Industrial Engineering(IE) or something like that.

After I finished my meal, and during that time he was still with his highly technical talk with his friend, so I signaled him with a nod that I need to excuse myself, went to the cashier to pay for my meal and went back to FKE.

To make the story short, my dad picked me up after interning was over and while we were in the car, I told my dad that I had a crush on a guy that I thought was very handsome and a foreigner which turned out to be a Chinese from Perak. I suspected that my dad probably know the guy that I have crushed on since my dad is teaching IE subject. I told my dad he's an IE student who just went back from interning at *** Global and as I expected my dad blurted out his full name.

Dad told me he's been teaching that guy since last semester and this semester too, he's teaching the guy. Furthermore, my dad went to *** Global for supervisor visit and met him during his internship period. I searched his name on Facebook and as expected I found my crush's Facebook😂

Gosh, I'm so desperate am I? 😂😂😂

So that's the story about how I met my new crush. Well, I stalked his Facebook a little bit, literally a little bit only because I felt so awkward stalking someone's profile and I felt somewhat wronged. I don't know, I just felt that way. Honestly, all I can say is I prefer to look at him face-to-face because he looks better in real life than in pictures.

Dad wasn't really happy about it and he couldn't understand why I considered his student as a handsome guy so I told my dad if he and I have the same preferences, then that would be weird. Wouldn't it be weird if dad and I have a same preferences? The last thing that I wanna know is fighting with my dad over a guy which would be super weird, super awkward and out of the world.

Probably dad wasn't really happy because he knows the guy more than I am and I kept showing to my dad how happy I was meeting my crush although it was only once. I guess dad loves me so much that when there is other guy in my life and I specifically told him about it, he's just not too overwhelmed about it and I could see his face reaction literally changed when I told him about this crush thingy.

On the other hand, mom took it well. LOL.
I don't know but every time I told my mom that I had a crush on someone, she'll be like "I thought you don't want to get married?" and guess what, this is not the first time I got this kind of reaction from my mom.😂 I think, I only told my mom few times about not getting married and now she thought that I literally never wanted to get married at all. I probably want to get married, someday, maybe.

So,

 dear beloved crush,

You don't know my name but I know your name. I like you because you're handsome as if someone who came out from the movie. lol. If there is a chance, I wish to meet you again before I finish my internship. Well, I just want to see you again before I proceed with my life and thank you too. Thank you for making my horrible day somewhat bearable. I wish to meet you again but I don't wish my internship period to be prolonged. I don't have any intention to stay though. I'm wishing to meet you again at least for the last time although I know if we have any chance again, it would be a bit painful for me to go but I'm still going though no matter what. My right place is just simply not here.

Regards,

To NS from NIJ

JINN

To those who are currently experiencing one-sided love

Let's be honest here.
I fall in love easily and I fall out of love easily as easy as switching on the light.
Yup, that's me and let me tell you how it really feels like. It sucks. It sucks to the extend that you started to hate yourself and you feel like you don't deserve the love itself. I considered myself as a pro one-sided love consultant, well not so but I've been getting that ever since I started to remember so yeah. Maybe luck of love simply not , never on my side that up until now everything is just a sided crush. Is it my fault? Well, probably is considering that I'm chubby and I don't dress too well... and let's not forget for the fact that I wear zero make up although my face look so pale as if I'm sick simply because I'm lazy. I'm super super lazy and probably lazier than you. Y know when I was in primary school, during Parent teacher meeting(PTM), my classroom teacher literally told my mom that i was sloppy but I got the brain. I don't properly do my scarf.. well up until now I still don't do it properly and probably my clothes aren't perfectly ironed too. I iron my cloth but not so perfect because the reason why I iron my cloth is because I don't want to look as if I just got out of the bed. Simply that and most of the time I avoid myself from wearing clothes that need to be ironed. Anyways, where were we just now? Oh yes, about me being a pro one-sided love consultant. All I got to say is keep yourself protected.
"Once bitten twice shy. Thrice bitten better die"
-unknown
My uncountable one-sided love story is mainly tragic, I think but that's okay. Time heals surely.
I cried, I feel angry, I feel anxious, I feel like there is no way out, I feel like my world is going to crumble, at one point I feel so worthless, etc, etc. You are basically not alone my dear. We simply fall in love faster than we are supposed to. Maybe.
Things that I have learnt after getting disappointed with one-sided love are
1. If you are not sure of the status of that person in your life, don't pursue. If you are indecisive whether they can mean something in your life or not, just don't pursue. Unless you are 70% sure that they feel the same way as you feel, then pursue. If not, just don't.
2. If you are in a conversation and the conversation keeps going and your feelings grow bigger but you are unsure of your chatting partner's feeling, then you better stop the convo first. You don't want them to get tired of you, do you? Sooner or later someone would have to end the convo. You don't want to look desperate although you already are so just stop replying if it's a dead end or statement message that don't necessarily need a reply.
3. If the feeling has already bloom and you just feel at lost as you know you'll never be their favourites, all you can do is forget them. You can cry, delete their messages, delete their photos and probably confront them(only if you have the courage. Not really advisable tho).

You are much worth than your crush dear. You are allowed to feel down, be super sad, be super angry.. but the most important part is you need to learn on how to let go and move on. Clinging onto your crush in a hope that your crush would like you back, well most of the time it didn't happen. It just simply didn't happen, my dear. You just gotta deal with that.Life isn't always circling about you unfortunately. Sorry to say that but that's about it.

Gonna share something else with you guys soon. Maybe.

Love,
JINN

I Wonder Why

I wonder why life is so complicated.
I wonder why people are complicated and hard to understand.
I wonder why there are so many killings and unjust decisions.
I wonder why feelings fade.
I wonder why things that used to give us pleasure and happiness, now not so much.
I wonder why sometimes we just feel lost, out of place.

And the most important part, I wonder why I wonder so much.

Curiosity kills the cat? Yup, definitely kills it.

They say don't question so much.
They say don't wonder too much.
They say don't think too much. 

When all that human has ever done is questions, wonders and thinks.

There are too many things that have been circling my head, making me dizzy and somewhat making me wanna puke. Well, not literally.

But then, there are days when I'm just simply too lazy to think, to wonder and to question. I'm tired. Tired of everything, tired of this endless cycle and tired of repetition that goes out of nowhere for now but will do for later.

What's the point of trying hard? What's the purpose of giving our best? What's the importance of having everything in place, in order? What are we exactly doing here actually?

Why?
And why?

At this point, I'm just so disappointed with myself.
I want to work hard, but I just don't feel like to.
I want to do my task early but then myself forbids me.
I want to go out and.. I don't know. I no longer wanna go out.

I enjoy being alone but at the same time I hate being alone. How is that possible?
I don't know and for now, I just don't feel like knowing.

I have lost. Lost in the wonders that I created. I wanna go far. So far that I was not found. I don't want to be lost forever because the word "forever" itself makes my blood run cold. Forever has never been my favourite word. Not now, maybe not later too.

For me, it's better to have period, to have space because all this while, me, you and everyone, the only reason why we strive so much, we work hard so much, that is because there are period and limitation. Infinity doesn't solve everything, time does. Limitation does.

JINN