Realisation

So today I feel like to write so here I am. I miss someone. Missing that person whom I met only for a while which become a turning point in my life. I wonder if everything that I feel now is real, genuine or it is just another episode in my life drama. I'm starting to wonder for how long can I hold on to the string that is rupturing as the clock ticks second.  Everything is fine. Everything is going well. We don't fight. We don't argue. We simply agree or disagree and yet the distance simply drive us apart.

I wonder if every effort that I put after all this while is worth it. I wonder if my effort will eventually make you realize that you are somewhat has become a prominent figure in my life. I'm scared of letting you to dive into my life but then I was actually the one who opened up the route. I widen the route unconsciously until at one point where I realized I wasn't supposed to do that. I have becoming too dependent, too clingy. Thinking of you in what ever activities that I do unconsciously as it has become a habit that eventually backfires. I diverged too far from the path as I am too eager to track your brightness that fades inevitably at the middle out of nowhere.

I found you in the moon as looking at the moon reminds me of you. Somewhere finite, i know we are sharing and looking at the same moon. I dislike myself for being too dependent, for falling to easily in everything and for telling you everything that I shouldn't or not necessary to. I believe that if we are meant to be we will be definitely. Time is a mysterious mechanism that works nonstop from the beginning of life. A lot of things change along with the time. Me. You. Everyone.

We are too different in terms of everything and yet I still wish you to be by my side cheering and supporting me always . I started to ask God if you are not meant to be with me in this temporary stay, is it possible to be together hereafter? Is it possible to have you as mine hereafter despite our most crucial difference that separate us apart temporarily which becomes permanent after we die?
I'm wondering myself to sleep. No answers. No clues. Just unanswered questions that make me wonder for days. Repeating the cycle even when I have the choice of not to is exhausting my conscience and logical thinking.

Should I stop now? Should I give up on you now believing that if we are meant to be we will be? Or should I tell you directly how much you are actually mean to me although we started off as a complete stranger? I'm still wondering alone because if I ever tell my feelings out loud, I'm scared that you'll step out of my life earlier than i am expected. I still need time from attachment to independent. Give me some time and I'll move on. Probably.

JINN