I want to start off my blog by saying cold sleepless night but the place where I live now is super hot even at night that I couldn't bring myself to say cold night.

Today honestly i feel like a piece of sh*t. The feeling that pierce through me when ever I procrastinate and wasting my time. I don't procrastinate or waste my time because I wanted to but.. I just don't know. I hate this feeling, i hate the fact that my wasted time is irreversible, i hate the fact that I am what I am now. I hate the fact that i begin to settle down with everything less, everything is okay and acceptable and everything is fine when some things ARE NOT.

Honestly, there are times that I just hate myself. I begin to lose my fighting spirit as I gradually lose grasp of what I am actually striving for. The path/route is too long and just like transmission wave that experience declination, energy loss before it arrives at the destination, i begin to lose myself along the way. The funniest question that I probably ask myself is what is actually the real me? Am i even living as a real me all this while? At the age of 19 and still figuring out what kind of person I really am, still figuring out things that I actually like and finally still figuring out what to do with my life. Surely, I wasn't thinking of becoming prime minister to change the country or becoming the astronaut. I'm pretty sure i am not that ambitious but I don't want to die of not contributing something in my life.

Funny how I told myself i want to contribute something while all i do is procrastinating and wasting my time. If you ever think i just do it purposely, i am not. Have you ever you just have too many things to do and you ended up doing nothing because you just don't feel like doing those and when you force yourself to do those tasks and you feel like screaming at top of your lung and throw everything that is in front of you. I didn't do it though because if I do it, it just gonna add to my workload. Nobody's going to clean up for me and that is for sure.

My assignments, report, homework haven't done yet and here I am writing. FML. I'm just done.