Assalamualaikum Atok,
How are you? Wishing you a peaceful life on the other side. The reason why I'm writing this letter is just simply because I miss you. I miss you for the longest time and it took me quite a while to figure that out. You waved us goodbye about two years ago unexpectedly in one fine and peaceful afternoon. When the news came to me at first, I didn't really get shocked honestly because you cheated inevitability few times and I thought that is just one of your tricks which turned out to be real. I couldn't believe the news until I saw you lying down in front of me still wearing house clothes with your eyes deep close. I touched your crinkled arms and they were cold but you had always been that cold. I tried to wake you up, and for the first time you didn't even budge to dodge it. You keep your eyes close as I touched your cold arms. I could still remember vividly how I used to massage those fragile arms and applied moisturiser on those to keep your skin moisturised. The sense was still the same physically and yet i knew something was amiss. The soul had gone to where it is belonged to. As I saw them washing you up gently, i remembered that mom and I did the same before but it was just the two of us during that time. Now, there were a lot of them who took the honour as a final respect for you. Atok, I just want you to know that those days when I accompanied mom to take care of you was one of my precious moments I have ever had in my life and if I were to repeat those moments again, i wouldn't be mind to do it again.
It wasn't an easy task to be honest as it required a great amount of patience and tolerance but one thing that I learned from that moment is love wins, always. Two women that I treasure the most up until now is my mom and your forever wife, nenek. The thing that had drove me that far to do the impossibilities was also because of them. I couldn't bear to see them getting lethargic and restless at the end of the day that I willingly gave my full strengths just to ease their tasks. Mom told me not to interfere jobs that required her and nenek to carry you or to clean you but I knew nenek is ageing so do mom and the power that they both have are somewhat limited. Mom reminded me to stay out but she also knew that it was impossible to do it with just nenek because nenek is also just like you, getting old and fragile. In the end, after I strongly insisted and after I showed mom things that i was able to do, she finally trusted me to help her along. Mom is a strong woman and she loves her parents unconditionally. I see that within her, the way she treated you and the way she treats nenek. The way that I wish I could do the same to her and to my dad as well.
Atok, do you still remember that I played your favourite song on the laptop to keep you company as silence had become too deafening? You were a fan of Frank Sinatra, a singer that i'd never knew the existence of until you told me. I couldn't recall the title of the song but if I listen to the song again, i am keen that I still remember the song that you had liked the most. Nenek disliked the fact that I played the song because she preferred you to recite the religious meditation(zikr) rather than listening to worldly songs. She asked me to remind you to zikr and you responded I had becoming like nenek. I laughed to that honestly. I reminded you to zikr merely because she asked me to but she was right too, actually. You have to balance between worldly things and also afterlife things. I was too naive that time and all I could think of was to give you instant happiness when the fact that the never-ending happiness is actually on the other side.
Atok, do you still remember that i painted your nails with peel-off nail polish? As i recall that, i probably the only granddaughter who actually braved enough to paint your nails with nail polish. Thank you for not retaliating and played along with me. I thought those would look pretty on you but i guess nail polish are simply women thing. You still rocked in those nail polish too, though. I did that probably because i was tired of looking at you day in and day out doing the same thing over and over again. I wished by doing that I could sprinkle a bit of glitters on your remaining bored days. Honestly, i wished you to stay longer. Mom and I took the opportunity to learn how to take care of you by lending hands to nenek because if nenek is no longer around or if she is no longer capable to take care of you, we can actually take over the honour.
2 years had passed by and yet when ever you come into my mind, i could still shed tears. Probably because I thought that I could have done better when you are still around and at the time you waved us goodbye, i couldn't properly send you off and i didn't tell you that I'm really sorry for what ever I had did when I was taking care of you. I'm a human too and I believe that while taking care of you, I probably had uttered something that I wasn't suppose to say and I probably had disrespect you in any ways that I might not realised. I'm really sorry Atok for not being able to take care of you longer, for not being able to give you full comfort, and for not being able to be a good listener. Till we meet again, Atok. In the mean time, let me have the honour to cherish you in my memory for as long as I could remember. Goodbye. Assalamualaikum(Peace be upon you).
Yours sincerely,
Your eccentric granddaughter
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