Late afternoon thoughts

Trying to get myself to sleep because I just don't feel like doing anything and here I am writing because I couldn't force myself to sleep. It's 5.01pm now and I am wide awake or supposed to be wide awake. I don't know what to write about to be honest but I just feel like doing something, something that I probably like? I don't know either. I want to write to someone but I no longer have the courage to. In my life, i have been constantly told to be independent and never be a burden to someone else. I have my pride too y'know. And of course that pride comes with pretty expensive price. Too many things that I want to say but I couldn't bring myself to because y'know think before you speak. I don't want my words to be a dagger that stabs someone or hurt someone internally so I just keep my mouth shut. 🤐Keeping all in because that's just my forte from the beginning. Some people might see me as two totally different person because the way I write doesn't represent how I present myself in front of real people. I tell you what, both are me. I am that cheerful and jovial person you meet in the class and i am also that person who post depressing things on social media. Humans are complex just like how complicated the DNAs are. Because human comes from a complexity of the unknown and return to the complexity of certainty that I too not being left with the progress. Complexity is just the character of humankind and I'm just the definition of it. If someone ever read till this part, they probably enjoy my writing or they just simply bored or.. I don't know. Anyways, thank you for reading this post because this is totally a random post and something that i want to write so I just simply write it out. To remain unknown while expressing yourself is somewhat satisfying but there's someone who knows everything that i have been writing, someone that had met me in real life. I don't want to be judged although I couldn't care less about what people might say but let's keep things in peace shall we. To this one particular person that I specifically write to now although you probably never reads this, you know too much and I dislike the fact i have been doing things to catch your attention. I am bounded to the screen on your phone but that doesn't mean I'm not real. I don't even know myself now because of you. I probably am writing this too to catch your attention but you probably never acknowledge it because you are just too busy with your life which is fine or you are just not interested to unwind the complexness within me which is fine too. I have been constructing my life with probabilities and the probability of me losing is higher than winning. Anyone in my situation wouldn't be that silly enough to throw themselves to a situation where they are at losing side so they'll probably choose to avoid or just keep things as is. I still want to be your friend at the very least so avoidance is the best method to keep our almost nonexistent relationship I would say? Say hi to me if you read this. I miss you.

JINN