Some people ask questions they already know and one of the many people is me. We do it to blend in or we do it simply to runaway from harsh reality that we already know before hand.
To live an honest life, to live a life with a calm and pure heart, to live the short life that I have to spread happiness and to help those in need as long as my strength allows it are the principles that I hold tightly. Well, sort of.
Truthfully, I didn't live an honest life. I lied to someone a lot. More than I should and I convince her that I did otherwise. The person is actually myself. To run away from problem is okay but how long is actually okay to run? We get tired of running as it consumes energy more than it should especially when we exert ourselves more and more as the second ticks. Sooner or later, when the road gets tougher and your energy is depleting until no more is left to consume, you eventually need to address the issue.
Grown up as a believer, I have always been told and being guided of the do's and don'ts clearly. What I should do and what I shouldn't. As a silent rebel, I did what I wasn't supposed to do and of course with extra precaution taken into serious consideration. I played Game of Love. I told myself that even if I take part in the game, I won't get hurt as long as I hold on to my one ultimate principle which is to put my religion before anything. My religion has been playing very prominent role in my life. I believe that this limited space(read:world) is just a transit place before I reach to the actual destination which is the Hereafter. As long as I have this thought, even if I fall in love in non-believer, even if I take part in Game of Love, I'll definitely be okay. That's what I had actually thought. I was wrong. I was dead wrong.
Love can make you and break you. Currently, I'm in the state of confusion. I'm confused of where I actually stand, what I actually expect from the relationship that I myself build out of confidence of not falling from the trap that was already existed which sadly to say I'm currently falling into it and what I should do now? I'm expecting more and more as the relationship goes deeper and as we start to speak from heart to heart,I realized that I had already in a state where I'm scared of losing. I'm scared of losing of what I have been holding onto dearly, I'm anxious of what future has for me when what I should actually be doing is to cherish the present as what I have always do before and I'm worried of losing the person I currently couldn't have.
Never knew it will end up to this point. Sigh, what was I even expecting when I started all this? It was my fault to begin with and now I'm paying the price. We weren't in not speaking term, in fact I can say we are in good term. Probably you have started to realize, no matter how we try to make it work, no matter how much effort and attention we give to each other, at the end of the day we are still two different things that can never be together as long as you are a non-believer.
I don't know where this episode will end but I wish it will end with a happy ending. To continue the episode is very exciting but I can't do this alone. It takes two to tango and I can't go on continuing the episode knowing that at the very end we still going separate ways.
To Lord who listens to everything even the breathe of ants, show me the best path and if the best path is to let him go, make it easy for me to let him go. If not, ease his journey because if he's taking the journey with my existence in line, it's going to be really a tough one.
"Those who finds way, finds it"
JINN
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