Bittersweet friendship?

Hello!

My final exam is in just three days away and here I am in the mood of writing a blog. Japan is in summer season currently and words that I could describe about my first summer experience is "freaking hot" and it feels like being trapped in a heated oven.  Fan is standing directly on my face and my body(because it's a table fan but I put it on the floor) but I still can feel the hotness of outside. Summer makes me don't want to go outside and I just prefer to stay in my small room in front of computer or lying on the bed with my phone on my right hand. I run out of snacks to eat, my washing detergent has finished and it's still not a good reason for me to go out. I think I need to go out by hook or by crook today coz I literally have no fruit to eat anymore and I'm just too lazy to cook and I just ate instant noodle this morning(couldn't eat instant noodle twice in a day) and my washing detergent has finished!! Oh and not to forget I run out of eggs too. Sigh.

So today I feel like talking about a lab friend of mine. I think I could call him a friend now but before this we weren't a friend although we were in a same lab group. I feel like talking about him coz I guess we had a weird friendship starter experience sort of. I dunno. He's a simple and maybe a typical Japanese guy you would meet in Japanese university. I didn't know he existed in my class until three weeks after the school had started. It was in the Friday morning of April where me and Hucchan were looking for lab room at research building in our university until a guy greeted us from afar informing us that the lab room was over there. The first word that was uttered by the guy was "Acchi" which means over there in Japanese and as we had thought, he was doing the same experiment as us and the most interesting part was he was my lab partner!! Since we heard "Acchi" from him and that was his first spoken word to us, Hucchan and I referred him as Acchikun when ever we talk about him. Hucchan and I though we are not BFF but we do have a lot of secret codes that only both of us understand. We have about 10 people who we give nicknames(the actual person doesn't know about the nickname) so that it would be easier for us to talk about them without actually saying their name out loud in the class. At some point, I think Hucchan and I could be mischievous sometimes coz we could talk about a guy behind us or in front of us and laugh about them without them knowing we were actually talking about them. I dunno if that's a plus point for multilingual like us but as times past by and as I did some self reflection, I know it isn't a good behavior to do. I dunno why we laugh so much or at least why I laugh so much but there are just too many things to be laughed at. I laugh because it's interesting and funny most of the time not because of someone's lacking. Okay, where was I? Oh yeah about Acchikun as my lab partner.

So we met officially the first time in a lab and the first thing that I asked him was "Are you in Electronic and Information Department?" in Japanese. Come to think of it, that was probably the silliest question I had ever asked him considering that we were doing the same experiment. After our first experiment had ended and we proceed to other class, I just realized that he was in every of my major classes and he sit not too far from me most of the time. At first, I considered him as my lab mate that I could turn to when ever I have difficulties. I would ask him questions about experiment. I still remember vividly that I accidentally video called him and he answered. During that time, I wasn't aware that I was actually the one who video called him and when he answered the video call he said "what?" or "What's going on?" I couldn't remember which one he exactly said but it was one of those. He sounded a little bit pissed off. Being the always clueless me I said "you call me." and he said no. It was one of the most awkward moments I had ever had in Japan. It was awkward because I accidentally video called A GUY and he was wearing a glass which I had never seen he wear one at school. It felt as if I'm seeing the other part of him that people don't know. I somewhat looked up to him in some ways coz he always help me although he maybe did it unwillingly(back then I didn't know but now I know) and I was interested to be friend with him coz he seems like a nice guy and maybe.. nerd... too straight...and maybe innocent at some point.

The reason why I said he is nerd and innocent is because he won't share what he wrote in report's discussion with me.

Situation 1: Via Line

me: what should I write in report's discussion? Is there any element that is necessary to be put in report's discussion?
Acchikun: Please think by yourself and write based on what you think.

Situation 2: Via Line
me: I dunno why there is a mistake in the experiment result. Do you know why?
Acchikun: You should think and write based on what you think.
me: Do you have any internet links that I can refer to?
Acchikun: Please think by yourself. Oh and please don't take it from internet because if lecturer knows you took something from internet, you'll get 0 for your report.

my respond during that time was WTH?!!
I didn't intend to copy paste though. I just wanted something to read so I could understand better as to why there is mistake in our experiment result. The next time, I asked Hucchan's lab mate and he suggested me some links that I could read that could help me with my discussion's report writing.

Situation 3: Face to Face
Before we submitted our report, we gathered at one place before we went to meet our lecturer together to take oral test experiment or in Japanese we call it "koutoushimon". Koutoushimon is an oral test which takes place during submission of report where lecturer or teaching assistant will ask us few questions regarding the report or the experiment and if we couldn't answer it properly, we might have to take "koutoushimon" again. Before we met the lecturer, we met each other first and we compared our report. I accidentally told him that I took one of the diagrams from the internet and I modified it in accordance of the experiment. The first thing that came out from his mouth was

Acchikun: It won't leaked. The lecturer won't know
Me: What do you mean?? (I was completely clueless during that time)
Acchikun: You took the diagram from internet right? (*blabbered about copyright stuff). Don't worry, lecturer will not know.
Me: What??? (in a weird and in disbelief tone)

The diagram that I took from internet was literally like a square shape diagram you searched in Google Image, you copy paste it and edit it to become a new thing. I didn't pay much attention about things that I took from Google Image until he reminded me about copyright stuff. Well, I guess I was just too ignorant about this whole thing.

Based on three situations, you could probably tell what kind of person he is I guess. The next situation is the situation that changed my neutral relationship with him to bitter. I would say bitter coz it was bitter experience for me. It was Tuesday afternoon and we were on our way back after we met lecturer for our report submission. I confronted him coz I got the feeling that he didn't like it that I keep asking him questions.

Me: Can I ask you something? Are you okay with me asking questions?
Acchikun: ....okay but you ask a lot. I will only reply to you when I have time.
Me: That's okay. I'm sorry if I ask questions a lot. I'm dumb when it comes to this.
Acchikun: You should ask someone else too. You should ask Hanakun coz he's smarter than I am.
Me: I don't have his Line
Acchikun: ......
Me: I'll work hard
Acchikun: You should work and think by yourself.  Please work hard. (the translation wasn't exact but the meaning was somewhere there. He told me off by saying I should think by myself and work with my own effort)

After he said that, we parted. I went back home and my mood was going down the slump. I couldn't remember if I cried or not but when I got back home, I lied on my bed and I stared at the ceiling for good 5 minutes maybe. My feeling was numb and I know someone just dropped a big bomb on me. For some it was nothing but for me it was a big thing. To be told off directly like that, I dunno. It just didn't feel too good. I was trying to console myself by reasoning "at least he was telling you honestly what he felt" but it didn't end good. My brain froze and I couldn't do anything at all. There were so many things to be done during that time and my brain blocked me from doing anything. Broke down. After he dropped the bomb, I decided to stop contacting him at all and the only time I talk to him was during experiment because I HAD TO and I have to maintain my professionalism when it comes to work despite our personal issues. The next three days I wore mask the whole time to class. I didn't want him to see me and I didn't want to see his face. I knew it wasn't his fault deep down but I have rights to feel hurt too for what he said to me.

3 months passed by and I had moved on but not completely up until now. For what he had said to me, up until now I have anxieties when ever I ask people questions. I get anxious when ever I ask people questions more than once although those people had ensured me that it is okay to ask even more than one question. In fact, I could ask anything that I want but due to the bomb that was dropped on me, the effect lasts like a nuclear bomb. About 3 weeks ago, he texted me through Line first for the first time. Oh I forgot to tell you guys how I first texted him. Basically we had lab group at Line which consist of 3 people which are me, Acchikun and one more guy. I asked in the lab group if someone had done the report and one more guy replied he didn't do it yet. Acchikun replied too by saying he had done the report and after that I texted him directly. 3 weeks ago, the situation was literally the same as what I had described but this time we switched place. He asked in the lab group if anyone had done the report and as usual the one more guy replied he hadn't done report yet. I replied too and I said I had done. Next, he private messaged me. It was Tuesday, I could still remember it vividly. To my surprise he asked if we could meet coz it was difficult to ask through text. Luckily I was around that school during that time completing my Operating System(OS) report. I agreed and I informed him where I was at. About 10 minutes later he showed up and he asked me about report result which eventually I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me. The reason I was staying behind at school was because I had promise with my other guy friend and when my guy friend arrived at my place while I was discussing with Acchikun, it means it was time for me to go. I told Acchikun I'll get back to him and we walked together until outside of the building and we parted different ways. He told me it was hard doing the report alone. I was confused that time but I tried to hide it from showing on my face. It was so unlike him.

About one week after that, we had another experiment which was simulation experiment. My friends used software to obtain the calculation result so they didn't know how to calculate it manually as they only upload the TCL files on the software and the software calculate the package loss, UDP package and etc. I asked Achikun if he used software or he calculate it manually and he said he made the calculation manually without using software. I asked him how he did it and suddenly there was a Line call from him. I was confused for few seconds and in seconds I ended the call. My first thought was I accidentally called him again. When the Line call ended I noticed that the Line call wasn't from me but it was from him. I asked him if the call was from me and he called again. He called me and from his background sound I could tell he was on his way back home. I could listen clearly the sound of train just passed by and it was so loud as if he just came out from the train and train moved not long after. He tried to explain about how to download TCL files to Excel and make manual calculation from there. Because, I could only listen to his voice and there was a bit problem with my computer during that time, I told him I would call him later in 10 minutes coz I got some problems with my computer. I didn't call him back after that. I sent him pictures of what I did or what I clicked on Excel and he just texted me after that. It was so so unlike him.

Last week, we had a lab mate meeting between three of us on Friday. We met our lecturer and our lecturer told us to discuss among ourselves about the report coz all 3 of us reports' weren't complete and there were many lacking here and there. After we met our lecturer, we had group discussion at general lounge aka Angora. As usual, the one more guy decided to leave early and he left us both at Angora. Of all three reports, probably Acchikun's report was the one with many additions to be done coz his report was only 16 pages while me had 30++ pages and one more guy had 20++ pages. We talked about reports until not long after we started to talk about other things as well and it lasted until lunch which was about 1 hour. He asked me if I'm having lunch and I said I'm okay having lunch or not having lunch. He told me he was hungry and he wanted to eat lunch. He said he's going to Cafe which is in the 2nd floor but to cut the story short we eventually had lunch at Angora. He bought his lunch at Coop which is beside the canteen and I decided to buy my lunch at canteen. Angora is besides the canteen and Coop is beside the canteen. That's how we had our first lunch together. I enjoyed the lunch and the meeting coz we could talk about something else beside the report. This week, last Friday which was 2 days ago he approached me for the first time in the class after class ended. I was talking with a guy friend who was sitting behind me. The guy helped me a lot in doing my report and I thanked him for helping me with the report as I finally submitted my report after 4th time of correction. After I finished talking with him, I turned in front to pack my things only to find out three guys were standing in front of me. One of them were Acchikun and the other two were his friends. Acchikun wanted to ask me about the report and I guess he didn't inform his friends before hand coz his friends looked confused and he told his friends that he wanted to ask me something about the report.

This time it is a super long post coz I don't want to divide it into parts so I tell everything in one post. I guess I'm one of his actual friend now? Honestly, when it comes to interacting with Japanese, I no longer know what to expect anymore. We could talk about a lot of things and the next day we become stranger. It happened to me many times. I thought we were friends and the next time I knew, we were actually strangers despite having conversation yesterday or before. It was always me who initiates first or otherwise we'll just end up as stranger. It was weird coz I could still remember vividly I met the one more guy aka my lab mate at library and he decided to ignore me or pretended not to see me although we saw each other. Japanese are shy or they just don't know how to react when they meet someone that that they couldn't decide whether it's a friend or a stranger. I learnt that if Japanese still consider you as a stranger, they'll ignore you unless you greeted them first. That's just the way it is. If they have consider you as their friend, they'll greet you first or at least notice you.

Thank you for reading till the end. Thank you to my friend coz I found back my passion to write coz he DMed me on Twitter telling me he enjoyed my writing although I had remove the blog link from my Twitter profile. Gonna put it back I guess. You know who you are. Thank you. XOXO

JINN