Let go or holding in

Numerous times I told myself enough is enough. Back in where I came from, I rarely doubt myself as much as I am now. Back in where I came from, I had always proud of the person I am and I had always look at the world confidently with smile on the lip and eyes looking upward. Now? Most of the days I wear face mask when I go outside, when I go to class, when I'm walking around university, when I go to buy some groceries. I lost the self-confidence that I have always had within me and I find it comfortable to hide my real self behind the face mask. I can speak and no one would judge me based on my face expression. I can also be sad in the middle of people and no one would realize it. Well, even if they knew that I'm sad, chances are they will just ignore me. I am bubbly and I talk a lot if I'm comfortable but I'm surrounded by people who are just too busy with themselves and indifferent. I'm different than the rest and I know. I always know that I'll always be the black dot in a white sheet and a duckling in a group of white birds but there are times when I forget and that's when I wish I'm just like them although in reality I'll never be. I thought I'm a person who celebrates differences but truthfully, I don't know if I really am. Where I came from are so different from where I go to. Where I came from are so multicultural and it's totally acceptable to be different than the rest but where I go to is the other way round. Differences aren't celebrated well in fact it's so uncommon that they just don't know how to react or what to do when you are around as a black-colored sheep in white sheep community so they decided that it's better for you to not be around. I feel it and if I could say this with completely honest, I'm deeply hurt. It's so hurtful till at a point where you start to question your worth and if everything that you are fighting for, for so long is even worth it. I wanted to hold in a little bit more, but my inner me keeps telling me enough is enough and it's completely okay to let go. Deep down, at the pit out of nowhere in my heart I know I couldn't let go no matter what. I couldn't bear the price of losing. I came here in the expense of others and thus letting go shall never be an option. I wish I could always speak or write sanely as I am now but I also knew that life is not like a stagnant of water in the flat surfaced river but more to like waves in the middle of the sea. Hence, you'll see my writings vary in every post. You'll see me writing sanely and you'll also see me writing as if I'm already in dead end which I probably am at the time of writing it. I just want to say, as long as you don't give up, there will always chance for you. Because you keep the door from closing, and as long as you keep the door from closing, there's always a chance to get in.

JINN