Oversea life is fun and exciting. We experience a lot of new things, we learn about new culture, we eat a lot of new types of food, we meet new people, etc. But there's one thing that oversea student might feel at least once, loneliness. To begin with, I'm a friendly kid and I love interacting with new people and befriends with the locals. At first, I was eager to make friends with local people because the main reason I came here is to learn about their culture, learn about their advance technology and learn some positive traits about them and maybe tries to apply it when I return back to my country one day. In my blog, I try to keep things as real as possible because life is not a bed of roses and I wish to convey to people that when you face a problem, always remember you are not alone.
I couldn't remember exactly when it started but when I realized about it, I knew I was not in my usual place. I used to be okay being alone when I was in my country but I am no longer okay being alone when I'm in oversea. Probably because when I was living in my country, being alone is a choice but right now it is not. When I was living in my country, when ever I feel like I need someone to talk to, I always have someone that I can go to and when ever I feel like eating with someone, I always have someone that I can eat together with. Those are the things that I probably took it for granted when I was living in my country and I'd never knew that those are the things that don't come easy once I reach here. Having a stable relationship with someone is not easy and having a friend that is there for you where you can laugh and cry together is something that doesn't come often. I came to realize that to turn into a new leaf, to start a new life in a new country with minimal friend around you, it wasn't as easy as I had thought. To gain a trust is not easy. To make acquaintances are easy but to make friends are not especially when you start your new life in homogeneous country where more than 90% of the people are all alike to one and another.
I came from a country where multiracial and differences in terms of features, skin color, religion, etc are just a daily life thingy. For that, we are generally very acceptable and open to foreigners or people who don't look like us because to start with, we are different people that make a society. I used to believe that I'm a person who embrace differences and I'm always proud of the person I am now until homogeneity is a common thing and similarities are widely celebrated. Maybe I have been in a situation where I'm the only one who stands out from the rest for too long that I didn't realize it has taken a toll on me eventually. At the end of the day, we all need some sort of sense of belonging and right now, I just couldn't see myself belong to anything. Maybe I was trying too hard on myself and maybe I was putting too high standard upon myself that I eventually get exhausted trying so hard to live up to my own ideal expectation.
People in this country are generally nice and if you could meet up with their expectation like being able to speak in their language, they could be helpful at times but to make a good relationship like the ones that you had in your country is difficult. Maybe it can be easier if the people that you are interacting with had stayed oversea before or are very interested in foreign cultures. If they aren't the kind of people whom I mentioned before, probably it'll take ample time or no chance at all to create a good friendship/relationship with them. The thing that surprised me the most when I came here was how being alone is widely acceptable and they even cater things for alone people as if promoting being alone. If we look at this phenomenon closely, it is a good thing and also not a so good thing. Some may disagree with me in regards to the statement that I just said but I beg to differ.
This country is a beautiful country with a lot of things to be discovered but after 5 months and counting of staying here, I came to realize this country is for me and not for me. I enjoy their consideration of other people's space, I appreciate their kindness towards people but I disfavor their ignorance of their surrounding and their MYOB(Mind Your On Business) mindset. There are many news on the internet that you can find where when someone needs help like getting harassed on the street or someone got sexually harassed in the train, instead of people around victims standing up for them, they choose to just simply ignore the victim because of MYOB mindset. I get that these people are simply trying not to get in troubles and they are trying to maintain peacefulness in their life but how far is it okay to let someone around you in trouble and you only as the onlooker? Pretending to not see, pretending that everything is okay, pretending to be strong when you are dead inside are socially acceptable here. To keep what you really want to say and what you really feel to yourself are socially acceptable and to say what you you really want to say and what you really feel out loud are weird and socially unethical.
I couldn't recall countless times their face changed as if they were not expecting it will came so direct to them when they asked me if I was okay or not and I said I'm not okay. Was I supposed to say I'm okay when the fact that I just want to shout and cry out loud so badly? Was I supposed to just smile and act as if everything is okay when things are tough and things don't go well? To the people that know me in real life and are reading this, I'm sorry but I don't practice to keep what I really feel to myself. If things are tough, I'll say it is not easy. If I don't understand, I'll say directly I don't understand. If I want to be friend with you, you'll know surely that I'm interested to be your friend. I'm sorry if my frankness puts you in an uncomfortable situation but I believe when it comes to how you are feeling currently, you should be honest about it. Living in denial doesn't make a better life. In fact, it creates inner tension that only grows bigger as more and more things are left unsaid and one day when the tension is too much to bear, we tend to do the unthinkable as we had lost our inner peace permanently and the scars within us already ran too deep.
This country is where you can find a lot of news where if there is a murder, the kind of murder is a psychotic type of murder and lonely type of death is in increasing number until they can make business out of it. If you read my blog until here, you might think that I'm putting the blame for the cause of my loneliness upon the society that I'm currently living in right now but the flaw that I have within me is due to external factors and internal factors and yes, one of the external factors are how this society works and how I have to put up with it inevitably. I tried so hard to fit in, I tried my very best to appear as perfect as I could so that they would eventually accept me just like how they accept others like them but how much of myself that I should lose just to be accepted? Or at least felt accepted?
I'm not okay emotionally at the time of writing this and if you are not okay too as you are reading this, I just want to tell you that it is okay not to feel not okay and it is totally acceptable to admit to yourself and to others that you are not feeling okay. Most of people might just ignore your true feeling but trust me few might care genuinely. One true friend is more meaningful than 100 casual friends and it's something that doesn't come often.
I said what I have wanted to say and I wish I could set my peace after writing this although I'm not so sure whether it's gonna work or not.
Take care!
JINN
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