Bleak

I keep on telling myself I'll be okay definitely. One day every pain that I feel now will disappear like dust blown by the wind. Disappear into the thin air just like that.

Truth?

It wasn't that easy. This confinement is consuming me, absorbing my energy until almost nothing left within me, only despair and resentment. I don't wish to give up now nor giving up later but at this point, I just feel nothing is worth striving for. I encourage people to strive, to persevere every single tide that is coming, to stand with pride against any impediment and yet I couldn't bring, encourage myself to fight this periodic interference. They say bumpy roads lead to beautiful destinations. Probably those are true but what they probably didn't tell us is that we have high possibilities to stumble upon one of those bumps and we're gonna hurt ourselves so bad. Our energies are drained as we progress further in the bumpy path.

I know, eventually after these blues,  good things are happening but truth to be said it ain't that easy. People look at me as someone who's very positive, strong and probably cheerful as I smile and laugh most of the time. I want them to see and to remember only those good parts that I have within me. I smile as every piece within me shatters like a glass dropped from high place. I laugh as my inner pain starts to unstitch revealing a dark infinite hole that has always been there. I console others as my heart bleeds for the unknown freedom.

What is freedom? What is actually the meaning of being free? Surely the meaning doesn't comprise of something philosophical and highly technical but what is it? I'm still searching. I'm still in the dark place although people around me see me as someone who's in bright and promising place. They just don't know me and even if they know, they'll pretend to not know because this is not the part of me that they favoured. They want the perfect flawless me because everyone likes a complete and perfect parcel.

I'm gonna be okay but not today. I'm gonna be happy but not today.
I'm gonna be thankful and I wish I could do that today.

Today is just not the day but I'll get through it.