Numerous times I told myself enough is enough. Back in where I came from, I rarely doubt myself as much as I am now. Back in where I came from, I had always proud of the person I am and I had always look at the world confidently with smile on the lip and eyes looking upward. Now? Most of the days I wear face mask when I go outside, when I go to class, when I'm walking around university, when I go to buy some groceries. I lost the self-confidence that I have always had within me and I find it comfortable to hide my real self behind the face mask. I can speak and no one would judge me based on my face expression. I can also be sad in the middle of people and no one would realize it. Well, even if they knew that I'm sad, chances are they will just ignore me. I am bubbly and I talk a lot if I'm comfortable but I'm surrounded by people who are just too busy with themselves and indifferent. I'm different than the rest and I know. I always know that I'll always be the black dot in a white sheet and a duckling in a group of white birds but there are times when I forget and that's when I wish I'm just like them although in reality I'll never be. I thought I'm a person who celebrates differences but truthfully, I don't know if I really am. Where I came from are so different from where I go to. Where I came from are so multicultural and it's totally acceptable to be different than the rest but where I go to is the other way round. Differences aren't celebrated well in fact it's so uncommon that they just don't know how to react or what to do when you are around as a black-colored sheep in white sheep community so they decided that it's better for you to not be around. I feel it and if I could say this with completely honest, I'm deeply hurt. It's so hurtful till at a point where you start to question your worth and if everything that you are fighting for, for so long is even worth it. I wanted to hold in a little bit more, but my inner me keeps telling me enough is enough and it's completely okay to let go. Deep down, at the pit out of nowhere in my heart I know I couldn't let go no matter what. I couldn't bear the price of losing. I came here in the expense of others and thus letting go shall never be an option. I wish I could always speak or write sanely as I am now but I also knew that life is not like a stagnant of water in the flat surfaced river but more to like waves in the middle of the sea. Hence, you'll see my writings vary in every post. You'll see me writing sanely and you'll also see me writing as if I'm already in dead end which I probably am at the time of writing it. I just want to say, as long as you don't give up, there will always chance for you. Because you keep the door from closing, and as long as you keep the door from closing, there's always a chance to get in.
JINN
Wednesday, 4 September 2019
Monday, 2 September 2019
Dark Alley
Oversea life is fun and exciting. We experience a lot of new things, we learn about new culture, we eat a lot of new types of food, we meet new people, etc. But there's one thing that oversea student might feel at least once, loneliness. To begin with, I'm a friendly kid and I love interacting with new people and befriends with the locals. At first, I was eager to make friends with local people because the main reason I came here is to learn about their culture, learn about their advance technology and learn some positive traits about them and maybe tries to apply it when I return back to my country one day. In my blog, I try to keep things as real as possible because life is not a bed of roses and I wish to convey to people that when you face a problem, always remember you are not alone.
I couldn't remember exactly when it started but when I realized about it, I knew I was not in my usual place. I used to be okay being alone when I was in my country but I am no longer okay being alone when I'm in oversea. Probably because when I was living in my country, being alone is a choice but right now it is not. When I was living in my country, when ever I feel like I need someone to talk to, I always have someone that I can go to and when ever I feel like eating with someone, I always have someone that I can eat together with. Those are the things that I probably took it for granted when I was living in my country and I'd never knew that those are the things that don't come easy once I reach here. Having a stable relationship with someone is not easy and having a friend that is there for you where you can laugh and cry together is something that doesn't come often. I came to realize that to turn into a new leaf, to start a new life in a new country with minimal friend around you, it wasn't as easy as I had thought. To gain a trust is not easy. To make acquaintances are easy but to make friends are not especially when you start your new life in homogeneous country where more than 90% of the people are all alike to one and another.
I came from a country where multiracial and differences in terms of features, skin color, religion, etc are just a daily life thingy. For that, we are generally very acceptable and open to foreigners or people who don't look like us because to start with, we are different people that make a society. I used to believe that I'm a person who embrace differences and I'm always proud of the person I am now until homogeneity is a common thing and similarities are widely celebrated. Maybe I have been in a situation where I'm the only one who stands out from the rest for too long that I didn't realize it has taken a toll on me eventually. At the end of the day, we all need some sort of sense of belonging and right now, I just couldn't see myself belong to anything. Maybe I was trying too hard on myself and maybe I was putting too high standard upon myself that I eventually get exhausted trying so hard to live up to my own ideal expectation.
People in this country are generally nice and if you could meet up with their expectation like being able to speak in their language, they could be helpful at times but to make a good relationship like the ones that you had in your country is difficult. Maybe it can be easier if the people that you are interacting with had stayed oversea before or are very interested in foreign cultures. If they aren't the kind of people whom I mentioned before, probably it'll take ample time or no chance at all to create a good friendship/relationship with them. The thing that surprised me the most when I came here was how being alone is widely acceptable and they even cater things for alone people as if promoting being alone. If we look at this phenomenon closely, it is a good thing and also not a so good thing. Some may disagree with me in regards to the statement that I just said but I beg to differ.
This country is a beautiful country with a lot of things to be discovered but after 5 months and counting of staying here, I came to realize this country is for me and not for me. I enjoy their consideration of other people's space, I appreciate their kindness towards people but I disfavor their ignorance of their surrounding and their MYOB(Mind Your On Business) mindset. There are many news on the internet that you can find where when someone needs help like getting harassed on the street or someone got sexually harassed in the train, instead of people around victims standing up for them, they choose to just simply ignore the victim because of MYOB mindset. I get that these people are simply trying not to get in troubles and they are trying to maintain peacefulness in their life but how far is it okay to let someone around you in trouble and you only as the onlooker? Pretending to not see, pretending that everything is okay, pretending to be strong when you are dead inside are socially acceptable here. To keep what you really want to say and what you really feel to yourself are socially acceptable and to say what you you really want to say and what you really feel out loud are weird and socially unethical.
I couldn't recall countless times their face changed as if they were not expecting it will came so direct to them when they asked me if I was okay or not and I said I'm not okay. Was I supposed to say I'm okay when the fact that I just want to shout and cry out loud so badly? Was I supposed to just smile and act as if everything is okay when things are tough and things don't go well? To the people that know me in real life and are reading this, I'm sorry but I don't practice to keep what I really feel to myself. If things are tough, I'll say it is not easy. If I don't understand, I'll say directly I don't understand. If I want to be friend with you, you'll know surely that I'm interested to be your friend. I'm sorry if my frankness puts you in an uncomfortable situation but I believe when it comes to how you are feeling currently, you should be honest about it. Living in denial doesn't make a better life. In fact, it creates inner tension that only grows bigger as more and more things are left unsaid and one day when the tension is too much to bear, we tend to do the unthinkable as we had lost our inner peace permanently and the scars within us already ran too deep.
This country is where you can find a lot of news where if there is a murder, the kind of murder is a psychotic type of murder and lonely type of death is in increasing number until they can make business out of it. If you read my blog until here, you might think that I'm putting the blame for the cause of my loneliness upon the society that I'm currently living in right now but the flaw that I have within me is due to external factors and internal factors and yes, one of the external factors are how this society works and how I have to put up with it inevitably. I tried so hard to fit in, I tried my very best to appear as perfect as I could so that they would eventually accept me just like how they accept others like them but how much of myself that I should lose just to be accepted? Or at least felt accepted?
I'm not okay emotionally at the time of writing this and if you are not okay too as you are reading this, I just want to tell you that it is okay not to feel not okay and it is totally acceptable to admit to yourself and to others that you are not feeling okay. Most of people might just ignore your true feeling but trust me few might care genuinely. One true friend is more meaningful than 100 casual friends and it's something that doesn't come often.
I said what I have wanted to say and I wish I could set my peace after writing this although I'm not so sure whether it's gonna work or not.
Take care!
JINN
I couldn't remember exactly when it started but when I realized about it, I knew I was not in my usual place. I used to be okay being alone when I was in my country but I am no longer okay being alone when I'm in oversea. Probably because when I was living in my country, being alone is a choice but right now it is not. When I was living in my country, when ever I feel like I need someone to talk to, I always have someone that I can go to and when ever I feel like eating with someone, I always have someone that I can eat together with. Those are the things that I probably took it for granted when I was living in my country and I'd never knew that those are the things that don't come easy once I reach here. Having a stable relationship with someone is not easy and having a friend that is there for you where you can laugh and cry together is something that doesn't come often. I came to realize that to turn into a new leaf, to start a new life in a new country with minimal friend around you, it wasn't as easy as I had thought. To gain a trust is not easy. To make acquaintances are easy but to make friends are not especially when you start your new life in homogeneous country where more than 90% of the people are all alike to one and another.
I came from a country where multiracial and differences in terms of features, skin color, religion, etc are just a daily life thingy. For that, we are generally very acceptable and open to foreigners or people who don't look like us because to start with, we are different people that make a society. I used to believe that I'm a person who embrace differences and I'm always proud of the person I am now until homogeneity is a common thing and similarities are widely celebrated. Maybe I have been in a situation where I'm the only one who stands out from the rest for too long that I didn't realize it has taken a toll on me eventually. At the end of the day, we all need some sort of sense of belonging and right now, I just couldn't see myself belong to anything. Maybe I was trying too hard on myself and maybe I was putting too high standard upon myself that I eventually get exhausted trying so hard to live up to my own ideal expectation.
People in this country are generally nice and if you could meet up with their expectation like being able to speak in their language, they could be helpful at times but to make a good relationship like the ones that you had in your country is difficult. Maybe it can be easier if the people that you are interacting with had stayed oversea before or are very interested in foreign cultures. If they aren't the kind of people whom I mentioned before, probably it'll take ample time or no chance at all to create a good friendship/relationship with them. The thing that surprised me the most when I came here was how being alone is widely acceptable and they even cater things for alone people as if promoting being alone. If we look at this phenomenon closely, it is a good thing and also not a so good thing. Some may disagree with me in regards to the statement that I just said but I beg to differ.
This country is a beautiful country with a lot of things to be discovered but after 5 months and counting of staying here, I came to realize this country is for me and not for me. I enjoy their consideration of other people's space, I appreciate their kindness towards people but I disfavor their ignorance of their surrounding and their MYOB(Mind Your On Business) mindset. There are many news on the internet that you can find where when someone needs help like getting harassed on the street or someone got sexually harassed in the train, instead of people around victims standing up for them, they choose to just simply ignore the victim because of MYOB mindset. I get that these people are simply trying not to get in troubles and they are trying to maintain peacefulness in their life but how far is it okay to let someone around you in trouble and you only as the onlooker? Pretending to not see, pretending that everything is okay, pretending to be strong when you are dead inside are socially acceptable here. To keep what you really want to say and what you really feel to yourself are socially acceptable and to say what you you really want to say and what you really feel out loud are weird and socially unethical.
I couldn't recall countless times their face changed as if they were not expecting it will came so direct to them when they asked me if I was okay or not and I said I'm not okay. Was I supposed to say I'm okay when the fact that I just want to shout and cry out loud so badly? Was I supposed to just smile and act as if everything is okay when things are tough and things don't go well? To the people that know me in real life and are reading this, I'm sorry but I don't practice to keep what I really feel to myself. If things are tough, I'll say it is not easy. If I don't understand, I'll say directly I don't understand. If I want to be friend with you, you'll know surely that I'm interested to be your friend. I'm sorry if my frankness puts you in an uncomfortable situation but I believe when it comes to how you are feeling currently, you should be honest about it. Living in denial doesn't make a better life. In fact, it creates inner tension that only grows bigger as more and more things are left unsaid and one day when the tension is too much to bear, we tend to do the unthinkable as we had lost our inner peace permanently and the scars within us already ran too deep.
This country is where you can find a lot of news where if there is a murder, the kind of murder is a psychotic type of murder and lonely type of death is in increasing number until they can make business out of it. If you read my blog until here, you might think that I'm putting the blame for the cause of my loneliness upon the society that I'm currently living in right now but the flaw that I have within me is due to external factors and internal factors and yes, one of the external factors are how this society works and how I have to put up with it inevitably. I tried so hard to fit in, I tried my very best to appear as perfect as I could so that they would eventually accept me just like how they accept others like them but how much of myself that I should lose just to be accepted? Or at least felt accepted?
I'm not okay emotionally at the time of writing this and if you are not okay too as you are reading this, I just want to tell you that it is okay not to feel not okay and it is totally acceptable to admit to yourself and to others that you are not feeling okay. Most of people might just ignore your true feeling but trust me few might care genuinely. One true friend is more meaningful than 100 casual friends and it's something that doesn't come often.
I said what I have wanted to say and I wish I could set my peace after writing this although I'm not so sure whether it's gonna work or not.
Take care!
JINN
Sunday, 11 August 2019
Unexpected friend
Hello guys.
So today I feel like to talk about a short trip to Momochi Seaside Park to watch Hanabi(firework). I went there last Thursday(8/8/2019). That day I was feeling blue and under the weather. Probably because it was exam period and I didn't really talk to my friends because everyone was busy with exam preparation, my inner demons eventually took over me. Everyone finished their exam on Wednesday but because I took extra subject, my exam finished on Thursday. On Thursday night, I had an episode of last paper syndrome(I bet you guys are familiar with that right?) In case you aren't familiar with last paper syndrome, Last Paper Syndrome or LPS, defined by Syahmi Sazali, is a mental distraction for those who are having their last paper but already have the feeling of starting their holiday early and not studying at all.[1] I have a final paper the next day but I didn't study at all. I slept early that night and I woke up around 6 smtg. After I woke up, instead of studying, I decided to do some research on interesting places or events at Fukuoka. I did the research for about an hour before I decided that I want to watch Hanabi. It was a crazy plan actually because the Hanabi was scheduled on 8/8/2019 at 7.30pm at Momochi Seaside Park. Momochi Seaside Park is located about 39km from my place and it took about 2 hours ++ by public transport. The best part was, I had class until 5pm. Well not 5pm actually but if I could finish the task early, I can go out by 5pm. After I had some discussion with my colleague about whether to go or not I finally decided to go. I asked someone if he/she was interested to go or not but he/she said [I'm not going]. Finally, I decided to go to Momochi despite having no friends to go with, despite the fact that I had never been to the place before and I'm bad with following directions. I was scared, anxious, disappointed, all feelings mixture together but I was determined to go. I'm tired, exhausted. I wanted some escapism even if it was just a moment, to give me some strength to regain back by myself, my consciousness, coz that day, I wasn't really me. In real life if you meet me face to face on that day, you probably see me as the usual me but deep inside I was shaking, I was falling apart and my heart shattered like glasses falling gradually on the clear floor. It is easy to put mask in front of everyone but it was tough when you are alone because there is no point of wearing mask in the first place. You can lie people, but you don't lie to yourself.
That day, I went to school with facial mask. The first reason was I didn't wear sunscreen and the second reason was I wanted to hide myself but at the same time I still want to meet people. After I arrived at school around 12.40pm, I went to Coop to buy school bus ticket. During that time, I still didn't buy the hanabi ticket yet. I had my exam at 2.55pm and it lasted until 3.40pm. Next, I went to GCL(Global Communication Lounge) to meet someone, simply because I just want to talk. I met Kenta and I told him I was riding the school bus today because I'm going to watch Hanabi at Momochi. His first reaction was [you're going with him/her?] I said no, I'm going alone. He was worried and he asked if I was okay going there alone and I said no but I'm still going coz I wanted to watch Hanabi. Around 4pm, I left GCL as I had final class to attend. I attended the final class and I finished my task as soon as possible and I left the class at 5pm. I rode the school bus at 5.20pm and suddenly while I was sitting in the school bus waiting for others to ride in, I saw Kenta was riding the same school bus as I was. He sat behind me. I told him, I was scared. I was literally scared but if I didn't go, I probably gonna be in worse condition than I already was during that time. Escapism. That's all I need. I want to get away from this place, from the usual road that I used to take, away from everything that I used to see. We finally arrived at the train station and before I entered the station, I told Kenta I was going to charge my card and we bid goodbye as he entered the station first. After I charged my card, I entered the station and saw Kenta was waiting for me. He asked me finally if I was okay and I said no but I'm still going. We'll never know if we don't go, I said. We bid our actual goodbyes.
While waiting for the train and while I was sitting in the train, I did some self reflection. I looked around, I observed the people and I wondered what kind of life they were having. They looked tired and bored. same cycle kills excitement, that was what I thought. Not long after, I received a line from Kazuki telling me that he heard from Kenta I was going to watch Hanabi. He asked me if I want to go with him since he was at Tenjin. That time, it felt like waking up from a deep meaningless sleep and I agreed on the spot. To cut the story short, we didn't watch the firework together. I got lost and his bus was not on time as there were too many people going on the same direction. Besides, it was raining and I only got to watch the firework alone only for few moments. Despite that, I was happy that I could still watch the firework under the rain. I was soaked but I didn't care that much coz, I just want to watch the firework which eventually ended due to the rain. Kazuki contacted me few times but because there were too many people on that place, the connection became too slow and I couldn't go to his place and he couldn't go to my place. He eventually came with a clear umbrella and that time, the firework had just completely stopped. He told me he didn't get to watch the firework, coz he was busy buying the umbrella. I felt bad about it coz I got to watch the firework even though it was only a little bit. He was thoughtful coz he let me share the umbrella with him. The rain wasn't too heavy and I didn't really mind getting wet on the rain but he still put the umbrella on me. If I could say this without sounding like I have a crush on him, he made my day. He and Kenta literally made my day on that dark day. I'd never thought that Kenta would be worry about me and tried to do something and I'd never thought that Kazuki would agreed to Kenta to accompany me to Momochi.
Later on, Kazuki invited me for dinner coz both of us were hungry. We planned to eat at Momochi but since it was already 9pm and shops were closing, we had no choice but to return back to Hakata. I was grateful and lucky that Kazuki was there because without him, I probably didn't come back home that night. Despite following Google map, it was so hard to determine which bus to ride, which stop to wait, which junction to crossover but because he was there, I just let him lead the way. We arrived at Hakata about 30 mins later and we decided to eat Udon. I ordered Prawn Tempura Udon and he ordered Beef Udon(if I'm not mistaken). Then, we walked from Hakata bus station to Hakata train station. We decided to ride a train which was scheduled at 10.26pm. The journey took about 1 hour ++ from Hakata to Iizuka. We arrived at Iizuka around 11 smtg. He came to the station by bicycle while I came to the station by school bus. I told him I wanted to walk and he asked me to hold his umbrella. He told me to go first. I asked him if I should go to the left or to the right and he told me to go to the right. I was confused because the last time I went back home at night with my seniors, I went to the left. I slowed my pace and he eventually caught up with me. It turned out that whether you go to the left or the right, it'll still lead to the same road eventually but because it was night, I couldn't recall the road correctly. I thought he was going to leave me somewhere and rode his bicycle back home but he eventually walked me until I arrived in front of my apartment. It took about 40-50mins by walking from train station to my home. Deep inside me, I was praying that he won't leave me somewhere to walk alone but as if he understood my concern, he didn't say anything but still walked me home. He told me few times that he was sleepy but I couldn't bring myself to say [you can walk me until here only] because I wanted him to walk with me until I arrived home. I went back home at night from university often and the path that we often used are literally the same but I'd never walk home at night alone. Usually I would ride bicycle but because I left my bicycle at university, I decided to take the bicycle the next day.
To Kazuki and Kenta,
If you are reading this, thank you.
I really really appreciate your kind thoughts.
I love you guys so much <3 <3
Thank you for being there at my lowest point
although you guys probably didn't mean to be there.
ありがとう！
めっちゃ感動した。その時、九州へ来てよかった。
君たちはずっと私のそばにいることができないと思うけど、
それでも私の人生に君たちがいるのが神様に感謝しております。
JINN
Reference
[1]http://tenacitytopurpose.blogspot.com/2017/09/last-paper-syndrome.html?m=1
So today I feel like to talk about a short trip to Momochi Seaside Park to watch Hanabi(firework). I went there last Thursday(8/8/2019). That day I was feeling blue and under the weather. Probably because it was exam period and I didn't really talk to my friends because everyone was busy with exam preparation, my inner demons eventually took over me. Everyone finished their exam on Wednesday but because I took extra subject, my exam finished on Thursday. On Thursday night, I had an episode of last paper syndrome(I bet you guys are familiar with that right?) In case you aren't familiar with last paper syndrome, Last Paper Syndrome or LPS, defined by Syahmi Sazali, is a mental distraction for those who are having their last paper but already have the feeling of starting their holiday early and not studying at all.[1] I have a final paper the next day but I didn't study at all. I slept early that night and I woke up around 6 smtg. After I woke up, instead of studying, I decided to do some research on interesting places or events at Fukuoka. I did the research for about an hour before I decided that I want to watch Hanabi. It was a crazy plan actually because the Hanabi was scheduled on 8/8/2019 at 7.30pm at Momochi Seaside Park. Momochi Seaside Park is located about 39km from my place and it took about 2 hours ++ by public transport. The best part was, I had class until 5pm. Well not 5pm actually but if I could finish the task early, I can go out by 5pm. After I had some discussion with my colleague about whether to go or not I finally decided to go. I asked someone if he/she was interested to go or not but he/she said [I'm not going]. Finally, I decided to go to Momochi despite having no friends to go with, despite the fact that I had never been to the place before and I'm bad with following directions. I was scared, anxious, disappointed, all feelings mixture together but I was determined to go. I'm tired, exhausted. I wanted some escapism even if it was just a moment, to give me some strength to regain back by myself, my consciousness, coz that day, I wasn't really me. In real life if you meet me face to face on that day, you probably see me as the usual me but deep inside I was shaking, I was falling apart and my heart shattered like glasses falling gradually on the clear floor. It is easy to put mask in front of everyone but it was tough when you are alone because there is no point of wearing mask in the first place. You can lie people, but you don't lie to yourself.
That day, I went to school with facial mask. The first reason was I didn't wear sunscreen and the second reason was I wanted to hide myself but at the same time I still want to meet people. After I arrived at school around 12.40pm, I went to Coop to buy school bus ticket. During that time, I still didn't buy the hanabi ticket yet. I had my exam at 2.55pm and it lasted until 3.40pm. Next, I went to GCL(Global Communication Lounge) to meet someone, simply because I just want to talk. I met Kenta and I told him I was riding the school bus today because I'm going to watch Hanabi at Momochi. His first reaction was [you're going with him/her?] I said no, I'm going alone. He was worried and he asked if I was okay going there alone and I said no but I'm still going coz I wanted to watch Hanabi. Around 4pm, I left GCL as I had final class to attend. I attended the final class and I finished my task as soon as possible and I left the class at 5pm. I rode the school bus at 5.20pm and suddenly while I was sitting in the school bus waiting for others to ride in, I saw Kenta was riding the same school bus as I was. He sat behind me. I told him, I was scared. I was literally scared but if I didn't go, I probably gonna be in worse condition than I already was during that time. Escapism. That's all I need. I want to get away from this place, from the usual road that I used to take, away from everything that I used to see. We finally arrived at the train station and before I entered the station, I told Kenta I was going to charge my card and we bid goodbye as he entered the station first. After I charged my card, I entered the station and saw Kenta was waiting for me. He asked me finally if I was okay and I said no but I'm still going. We'll never know if we don't go, I said. We bid our actual goodbyes.
While waiting for the train and while I was sitting in the train, I did some self reflection. I looked around, I observed the people and I wondered what kind of life they were having. They looked tired and bored. same cycle kills excitement, that was what I thought. Not long after, I received a line from Kazuki telling me that he heard from Kenta I was going to watch Hanabi. He asked me if I want to go with him since he was at Tenjin. That time, it felt like waking up from a deep meaningless sleep and I agreed on the spot. To cut the story short, we didn't watch the firework together. I got lost and his bus was not on time as there were too many people going on the same direction. Besides, it was raining and I only got to watch the firework alone only for few moments. Despite that, I was happy that I could still watch the firework under the rain. I was soaked but I didn't care that much coz, I just want to watch the firework which eventually ended due to the rain. Kazuki contacted me few times but because there were too many people on that place, the connection became too slow and I couldn't go to his place and he couldn't go to my place. He eventually came with a clear umbrella and that time, the firework had just completely stopped. He told me he didn't get to watch the firework, coz he was busy buying the umbrella. I felt bad about it coz I got to watch the firework even though it was only a little bit. He was thoughtful coz he let me share the umbrella with him. The rain wasn't too heavy and I didn't really mind getting wet on the rain but he still put the umbrella on me. If I could say this without sounding like I have a crush on him, he made my day. He and Kenta literally made my day on that dark day. I'd never thought that Kenta would be worry about me and tried to do something and I'd never thought that Kazuki would agreed to Kenta to accompany me to Momochi.
Later on, Kazuki invited me for dinner coz both of us were hungry. We planned to eat at Momochi but since it was already 9pm and shops were closing, we had no choice but to return back to Hakata. I was grateful and lucky that Kazuki was there because without him, I probably didn't come back home that night. Despite following Google map, it was so hard to determine which bus to ride, which stop to wait, which junction to crossover but because he was there, I just let him lead the way. We arrived at Hakata about 30 mins later and we decided to eat Udon. I ordered Prawn Tempura Udon and he ordered Beef Udon(if I'm not mistaken). Then, we walked from Hakata bus station to Hakata train station. We decided to ride a train which was scheduled at 10.26pm. The journey took about 1 hour ++ from Hakata to Iizuka. We arrived at Iizuka around 11 smtg. He came to the station by bicycle while I came to the station by school bus. I told him I wanted to walk and he asked me to hold his umbrella. He told me to go first. I asked him if I should go to the left or to the right and he told me to go to the right. I was confused because the last time I went back home at night with my seniors, I went to the left. I slowed my pace and he eventually caught up with me. It turned out that whether you go to the left or the right, it'll still lead to the same road eventually but because it was night, I couldn't recall the road correctly. I thought he was going to leave me somewhere and rode his bicycle back home but he eventually walked me until I arrived in front of my apartment. It took about 40-50mins by walking from train station to my home. Deep inside me, I was praying that he won't leave me somewhere to walk alone but as if he understood my concern, he didn't say anything but still walked me home. He told me few times that he was sleepy but I couldn't bring myself to say [you can walk me until here only] because I wanted him to walk with me until I arrived home. I went back home at night from university often and the path that we often used are literally the same but I'd never walk home at night alone. Usually I would ride bicycle but because I left my bicycle at university, I decided to take the bicycle the next day.
To Kazuki and Kenta,
If you are reading this, thank you.
I really really appreciate your kind thoughts.
I love you guys so much <3 <3
Thank you for being there at my lowest point
although you guys probably didn't mean to be there.
ありがとう！
めっちゃ感動した。その時、九州へ来てよかった。
君たちはずっと私のそばにいることができないと思うけど、
それでも私の人生に君たちがいるのが神様に感謝しております。
JINN
Reference
[1]http://tenacitytopurpose.blogspot.com/2017/09/last-paper-syndrome.html?m=1
Sunday, 28 July 2019
Bittersweet friendship?
Hello!
My final exam is in just three days away and here I am in the mood of writing a blog. Japan is in summer season currently and words that I could describe about my first summer experience is "freaking hot" and it feels like being trapped in a heated oven. Fan is standing directly on my face and my body(because it's a table fan but I put it on the floor) but I still can feel the hotness of outside. Summer makes me don't want to go outside and I just prefer to stay in my small room in front of computer or lying on the bed with my phone on my right hand. I run out of snacks to eat, my washing detergent has finished and it's still not a good reason for me to go out. I think I need to go out by hook or by crook today coz I literally have no fruit to eat anymore and I'm just too lazy to cook and I just ate instant noodle this morning(couldn't eat instant noodle twice in a day) and my washing detergent has finished!! Oh and not to forget I run out of eggs too. Sigh.
So today I feel like talking about a lab friend of mine. I think I could call him a friend now but before this we weren't a friend although we were in a same lab group. I feel like talking about him coz I guess we had a weird friendship starter experience sort of. I dunno. He's a simple and maybe a typical Japanese guy you would meet in Japanese university. I didn't know he existed in my class until three weeks after the school had started. It was in the Friday morning of April where me and Hucchan were looking for lab room at research building in our university until a guy greeted us from afar informing us that the lab room was over there. The first word that was uttered by the guy was "Acchi" which means over there in Japanese and as we had thought, he was doing the same experiment as us and the most interesting part was he was my lab partner!! Since we heard "Acchi" from him and that was his first spoken word to us, Hucchan and I referred him as Acchikun when ever we talk about him. Hucchan and I though we are not BFF but we do have a lot of secret codes that only both of us understand. We have about 10 people who we give nicknames(the actual person doesn't know about the nickname) so that it would be easier for us to talk about them without actually saying their name out loud in the class. At some point, I think Hucchan and I could be mischievous sometimes coz we could talk about a guy behind us or in front of us and laugh about them without them knowing we were actually talking about them. I dunno if that's a plus point for multilingual like us but as times past by and as I did some self reflection, I know it isn't a good behavior to do. I dunno why we laugh so much or at least why I laugh so much but there are just too many things to be laughed at. I laugh because it's interesting and funny most of the time not because of someone's lacking. Okay, where was I? Oh yeah about Acchikun as my lab partner.
So we met officially the first time in a lab and the first thing that I asked him was "Are you in Electronic and Information Department?" in Japanese. Come to think of it, that was probably the silliest question I had ever asked him considering that we were doing the same experiment. After our first experiment had ended and we proceed to other class, I just realized that he was in every of my major classes and he sit not too far from me most of the time. At first, I considered him as my lab mate that I could turn to when ever I have difficulties. I would ask him questions about experiment. I still remember vividly that I accidentally video called him and he answered. During that time, I wasn't aware that I was actually the one who video called him and when he answered the video call he said "what?" or "What's going on?" I couldn't remember which one he exactly said but it was one of those. He sounded a little bit pissed off. Being the always clueless me I said "you call me." and he said no. It was one of the most awkward moments I had ever had in Japan. It was awkward because I accidentally video called A GUY and he was wearing a glass which I had never seen he wear one at school. It felt as if I'm seeing the other part of him that people don't know. I somewhat looked up to him in some ways coz he always help me although he maybe did it unwillingly(back then I didn't know but now I know) and I was interested to be friend with him coz he seems like a nice guy and maybe.. nerd... too straight...and maybe innocent at some point.
The reason why I said he is nerd and innocent is because he won't share what he wrote in report's discussion with me.
Situation 1: Via Line
me: what should I write in report's discussion? Is there any element that is necessary to be put in report's discussion?
Acchikun: Please think by yourself and write based on what you think.
Situation 2: Via Line
me: I dunno why there is a mistake in the experiment result. Do you know why?
Acchikun: You should think and write based on what you think.
me: Do you have any internet links that I can refer to?
Acchikun: Please think by yourself. Oh and please don't take it from internet because if lecturer knows you took something from internet, you'll get 0 for your report.
my respond during that time was WTH?!!
I didn't intend to copy paste though. I just wanted something to read so I could understand better as to why there is mistake in our experiment result. The next time, I asked Hucchan's lab mate and he suggested me some links that I could read that could help me with my discussion's report writing.
Situation 3: Face to Face
Before we submitted our report, we gathered at one place before we went to meet our lecturer together to take oral test experiment or in Japanese we call it "koutoushimon". Koutoushimon is an oral test which takes place during submission of report where lecturer or teaching assistant will ask us few questions regarding the report or the experiment and if we couldn't answer it properly, we might have to take "koutoushimon" again. Before we met the lecturer, we met each other first and we compared our report. I accidentally told him that I took one of the diagrams from the internet and I modified it in accordance of the experiment. The first thing that came out from his mouth was
Acchikun: It won't leaked. The lecturer won't know
Me: What do you mean?? (I was completely clueless during that time)
Acchikun: You took the diagram from internet right? (*blabbered about copyright stuff). Don't worry, lecturer will not know.
Me: What??? (in a weird and in disbelief tone)
The diagram that I took from internet was literally like a square shape diagram you searched in Google Image, you copy paste it and edit it to become a new thing. I didn't pay much attention about things that I took from Google Image until he reminded me about copyright stuff. Well, I guess I was just too ignorant about this whole thing.
Based on three situations, you could probably tell what kind of person he is I guess. The next situation is the situation that changed my neutral relationship with him to bitter. I would say bitter coz it was bitter experience for me. It was Tuesday afternoon and we were on our way back after we met lecturer for our report submission. I confronted him coz I got the feeling that he didn't like it that I keep asking him questions.
Me: Can I ask you something? Are you okay with me asking questions?
Acchikun: ....okay but you ask a lot. I will only reply to you when I have time.
Me: That's okay. I'm sorry if I ask questions a lot. I'm dumb when it comes to this.
Acchikun: You should ask someone else too. You should ask Hanakun coz he's smarter than I am.
Me: I don't have his Line
Acchikun: ......
Me: I'll work hard
Acchikun: You should work and think by yourself. Please work hard. (the translation wasn't exact but the meaning was somewhere there. He told me off by saying I should think by myself and work with my own effort)
After he said that, we parted. I went back home and my mood was going down the slump. I couldn't remember if I cried or not but when I got back home, I lied on my bed and I stared at the ceiling for good 5 minutes maybe. My feeling was numb and I know someone just dropped a big bomb on me. For some it was nothing but for me it was a big thing. To be told off directly like that, I dunno. It just didn't feel too good. I was trying to console myself by reasoning "at least he was telling you honestly what he felt" but it didn't end good. My brain froze and I couldn't do anything at all. There were so many things to be done during that time and my brain blocked me from doing anything. Broke down. After he dropped the bomb, I decided to stop contacting him at all and the only time I talk to him was during experiment because I HAD TO and I have to maintain my professionalism when it comes to work despite our personal issues. The next three days I wore mask the whole time to class. I didn't want him to see me and I didn't want to see his face. I knew it wasn't his fault deep down but I have rights to feel hurt too for what he said to me.
3 months passed by and I had moved on but not completely up until now. For what he had said to me, up until now I have anxieties when ever I ask people questions. I get anxious when ever I ask people questions more than once although those people had ensured me that it is okay to ask even more than one question. In fact, I could ask anything that I want but due to the bomb that was dropped on me, the effect lasts like a nuclear bomb. About 3 weeks ago, he texted me through Line first for the first time. Oh I forgot to tell you guys how I first texted him. Basically we had lab group at Line which consist of 3 people which are me, Acchikun and one more guy. I asked in the lab group if someone had done the report and one more guy replied he didn't do it yet. Acchikun replied too by saying he had done the report and after that I texted him directly. 3 weeks ago, the situation was literally the same as what I had described but this time we switched place. He asked in the lab group if anyone had done the report and as usual the one more guy replied he hadn't done report yet. I replied too and I said I had done. Next, he private messaged me. It was Tuesday, I could still remember it vividly. To my surprise he asked if we could meet coz it was difficult to ask through text. Luckily I was around that school during that time completing my Operating System(OS) report. I agreed and I informed him where I was at. About 10 minutes later he showed up and he asked me about report result which eventually I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me. The reason I was staying behind at school was because I had promise with my other guy friend and when my guy friend arrived at my place while I was discussing with Acchikun, it means it was time for me to go. I told Acchikun I'll get back to him and we walked together until outside of the building and we parted different ways. He told me it was hard doing the report alone. I was confused that time but I tried to hide it from showing on my face. It was so unlike him.
About one week after that, we had another experiment which was simulation experiment. My friends used software to obtain the calculation result so they didn't know how to calculate it manually as they only upload the TCL files on the software and the software calculate the package loss, UDP package and etc. I asked Achikun if he used software or he calculate it manually and he said he made the calculation manually without using software. I asked him how he did it and suddenly there was a Line call from him. I was confused for few seconds and in seconds I ended the call. My first thought was I accidentally called him again. When the Line call ended I noticed that the Line call wasn't from me but it was from him. I asked him if the call was from me and he called again. He called me and from his background sound I could tell he was on his way back home. I could listen clearly the sound of train just passed by and it was so loud as if he just came out from the train and train moved not long after. He tried to explain about how to download TCL files to Excel and make manual calculation from there. Because, I could only listen to his voice and there was a bit problem with my computer during that time, I told him I would call him later in 10 minutes coz I got some problems with my computer. I didn't call him back after that. I sent him pictures of what I did or what I clicked on Excel and he just texted me after that. It was so so unlike him.
Last week, we had a lab mate meeting between three of us on Friday. We met our lecturer and our lecturer told us to discuss among ourselves about the report coz all 3 of us reports' weren't complete and there were many lacking here and there. After we met our lecturer, we had group discussion at general lounge aka Angora. As usual, the one more guy decided to leave early and he left us both at Angora. Of all three reports, probably Acchikun's report was the one with many additions to be done coz his report was only 16 pages while me had 30++ pages and one more guy had 20++ pages. We talked about reports until not long after we started to talk about other things as well and it lasted until lunch which was about 1 hour. He asked me if I'm having lunch and I said I'm okay having lunch or not having lunch. He told me he was hungry and he wanted to eat lunch. He said he's going to Cafe which is in the 2nd floor but to cut the story short we eventually had lunch at Angora. He bought his lunch at Coop which is beside the canteen and I decided to buy my lunch at canteen. Angora is besides the canteen and Coop is beside the canteen. That's how we had our first lunch together. I enjoyed the lunch and the meeting coz we could talk about something else beside the report. This week, last Friday which was 2 days ago he approached me for the first time in the class after class ended. I was talking with a guy friend who was sitting behind me. The guy helped me a lot in doing my report and I thanked him for helping me with the report as I finally submitted my report after 4th time of correction. After I finished talking with him, I turned in front to pack my things only to find out three guys were standing in front of me. One of them were Acchikun and the other two were his friends. Acchikun wanted to ask me about the report and I guess he didn't inform his friends before hand coz his friends looked confused and he told his friends that he wanted to ask me something about the report.
This time it is a super long post coz I don't want to divide it into parts so I tell everything in one post. I guess I'm one of his actual friend now? Honestly, when it comes to interacting with Japanese, I no longer know what to expect anymore. We could talk about a lot of things and the next day we become stranger. It happened to me many times. I thought we were friends and the next time I knew, we were actually strangers despite having conversation yesterday or before. It was always me who initiates first or otherwise we'll just end up as stranger. It was weird coz I could still remember vividly I met the one more guy aka my lab mate at library and he decided to ignore me or pretended not to see me although we saw each other. Japanese are shy or they just don't know how to react when they meet someone that that they couldn't decide whether it's a friend or a stranger. I learnt that if Japanese still consider you as a stranger, they'll ignore you unless you greeted them first. That's just the way it is. If they have consider you as their friend, they'll greet you first or at least notice you.
Thank you for reading till the end. Thank you to my friend coz I found back my passion to write coz he DMed me on Twitter telling me he enjoyed my writing although I had remove the blog link from my Twitter profile. Gonna put it back I guess. You know who you are. Thank you. XOXO
JINN
My final exam is in just three days away and here I am in the mood of writing a blog. Japan is in summer season currently and words that I could describe about my first summer experience is "freaking hot" and it feels like being trapped in a heated oven. Fan is standing directly on my face and my body(because it's a table fan but I put it on the floor) but I still can feel the hotness of outside. Summer makes me don't want to go outside and I just prefer to stay in my small room in front of computer or lying on the bed with my phone on my right hand. I run out of snacks to eat, my washing detergent has finished and it's still not a good reason for me to go out. I think I need to go out by hook or by crook today coz I literally have no fruit to eat anymore and I'm just too lazy to cook and I just ate instant noodle this morning(couldn't eat instant noodle twice in a day) and my washing detergent has finished!! Oh and not to forget I run out of eggs too. Sigh.
So today I feel like talking about a lab friend of mine. I think I could call him a friend now but before this we weren't a friend although we were in a same lab group. I feel like talking about him coz I guess we had a weird friendship starter experience sort of. I dunno. He's a simple and maybe a typical Japanese guy you would meet in Japanese university. I didn't know he existed in my class until three weeks after the school had started. It was in the Friday morning of April where me and Hucchan were looking for lab room at research building in our university until a guy greeted us from afar informing us that the lab room was over there. The first word that was uttered by the guy was "Acchi" which means over there in Japanese and as we had thought, he was doing the same experiment as us and the most interesting part was he was my lab partner!! Since we heard "Acchi" from him and that was his first spoken word to us, Hucchan and I referred him as Acchikun when ever we talk about him. Hucchan and I though we are not BFF but we do have a lot of secret codes that only both of us understand. We have about 10 people who we give nicknames(the actual person doesn't know about the nickname) so that it would be easier for us to talk about them without actually saying their name out loud in the class. At some point, I think Hucchan and I could be mischievous sometimes coz we could talk about a guy behind us or in front of us and laugh about them without them knowing we were actually talking about them. I dunno if that's a plus point for multilingual like us but as times past by and as I did some self reflection, I know it isn't a good behavior to do. I dunno why we laugh so much or at least why I laugh so much but there are just too many things to be laughed at. I laugh because it's interesting and funny most of the time not because of someone's lacking. Okay, where was I? Oh yeah about Acchikun as my lab partner.
So we met officially the first time in a lab and the first thing that I asked him was "Are you in Electronic and Information Department?" in Japanese. Come to think of it, that was probably the silliest question I had ever asked him considering that we were doing the same experiment. After our first experiment had ended and we proceed to other class, I just realized that he was in every of my major classes and he sit not too far from me most of the time. At first, I considered him as my lab mate that I could turn to when ever I have difficulties. I would ask him questions about experiment. I still remember vividly that I accidentally video called him and he answered. During that time, I wasn't aware that I was actually the one who video called him and when he answered the video call he said "what?" or "What's going on?" I couldn't remember which one he exactly said but it was one of those. He sounded a little bit pissed off. Being the always clueless me I said "you call me." and he said no. It was one of the most awkward moments I had ever had in Japan. It was awkward because I accidentally video called A GUY and he was wearing a glass which I had never seen he wear one at school. It felt as if I'm seeing the other part of him that people don't know. I somewhat looked up to him in some ways coz he always help me although he maybe did it unwillingly(back then I didn't know but now I know) and I was interested to be friend with him coz he seems like a nice guy and maybe.. nerd... too straight...and maybe innocent at some point.
The reason why I said he is nerd and innocent is because he won't share what he wrote in report's discussion with me.
Situation 1: Via Line
me: what should I write in report's discussion? Is there any element that is necessary to be put in report's discussion?
Acchikun: Please think by yourself and write based on what you think.
Situation 2: Via Line
me: I dunno why there is a mistake in the experiment result. Do you know why?
Acchikun: You should think and write based on what you think.
me: Do you have any internet links that I can refer to?
Acchikun: Please think by yourself. Oh and please don't take it from internet because if lecturer knows you took something from internet, you'll get 0 for your report.
my respond during that time was WTH?!!
I didn't intend to copy paste though. I just wanted something to read so I could understand better as to why there is mistake in our experiment result. The next time, I asked Hucchan's lab mate and he suggested me some links that I could read that could help me with my discussion's report writing.
Situation 3: Face to Face
Before we submitted our report, we gathered at one place before we went to meet our lecturer together to take oral test experiment or in Japanese we call it "koutoushimon". Koutoushimon is an oral test which takes place during submission of report where lecturer or teaching assistant will ask us few questions regarding the report or the experiment and if we couldn't answer it properly, we might have to take "koutoushimon" again. Before we met the lecturer, we met each other first and we compared our report. I accidentally told him that I took one of the diagrams from the internet and I modified it in accordance of the experiment. The first thing that came out from his mouth was
Acchikun: It won't leaked. The lecturer won't know
Me: What do you mean?? (I was completely clueless during that time)
Acchikun: You took the diagram from internet right? (*blabbered about copyright stuff). Don't worry, lecturer will not know.
Me: What??? (in a weird and in disbelief tone)
The diagram that I took from internet was literally like a square shape diagram you searched in Google Image, you copy paste it and edit it to become a new thing. I didn't pay much attention about things that I took from Google Image until he reminded me about copyright stuff. Well, I guess I was just too ignorant about this whole thing.
Based on three situations, you could probably tell what kind of person he is I guess. The next situation is the situation that changed my neutral relationship with him to bitter. I would say bitter coz it was bitter experience for me. It was Tuesday afternoon and we were on our way back after we met lecturer for our report submission. I confronted him coz I got the feeling that he didn't like it that I keep asking him questions.
Me: Can I ask you something? Are you okay with me asking questions?
Acchikun: ....okay but you ask a lot. I will only reply to you when I have time.
Me: That's okay. I'm sorry if I ask questions a lot. I'm dumb when it comes to this.
Acchikun: You should ask someone else too. You should ask Hanakun coz he's smarter than I am.
Me: I don't have his Line
Acchikun: ......
Me: I'll work hard
Acchikun: You should work and think by yourself. Please work hard. (the translation wasn't exact but the meaning was somewhere there. He told me off by saying I should think by myself and work with my own effort)
After he said that, we parted. I went back home and my mood was going down the slump. I couldn't remember if I cried or not but when I got back home, I lied on my bed and I stared at the ceiling for good 5 minutes maybe. My feeling was numb and I know someone just dropped a big bomb on me. For some it was nothing but for me it was a big thing. To be told off directly like that, I dunno. It just didn't feel too good. I was trying to console myself by reasoning "at least he was telling you honestly what he felt" but it didn't end good. My brain froze and I couldn't do anything at all. There were so many things to be done during that time and my brain blocked me from doing anything. Broke down. After he dropped the bomb, I decided to stop contacting him at all and the only time I talk to him was during experiment because I HAD TO and I have to maintain my professionalism when it comes to work despite our personal issues. The next three days I wore mask the whole time to class. I didn't want him to see me and I didn't want to see his face. I knew it wasn't his fault deep down but I have rights to feel hurt too for what he said to me.
3 months passed by and I had moved on but not completely up until now. For what he had said to me, up until now I have anxieties when ever I ask people questions. I get anxious when ever I ask people questions more than once although those people had ensured me that it is okay to ask even more than one question. In fact, I could ask anything that I want but due to the bomb that was dropped on me, the effect lasts like a nuclear bomb. About 3 weeks ago, he texted me through Line first for the first time. Oh I forgot to tell you guys how I first texted him. Basically we had lab group at Line which consist of 3 people which are me, Acchikun and one more guy. I asked in the lab group if someone had done the report and one more guy replied he didn't do it yet. Acchikun replied too by saying he had done the report and after that I texted him directly. 3 weeks ago, the situation was literally the same as what I had described but this time we switched place. He asked in the lab group if anyone had done the report and as usual the one more guy replied he hadn't done report yet. I replied too and I said I had done. Next, he private messaged me. It was Tuesday, I could still remember it vividly. To my surprise he asked if we could meet coz it was difficult to ask through text. Luckily I was around that school during that time completing my Operating System(OS) report. I agreed and I informed him where I was at. About 10 minutes later he showed up and he asked me about report result which eventually I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me. The reason I was staying behind at school was because I had promise with my other guy friend and when my guy friend arrived at my place while I was discussing with Acchikun, it means it was time for me to go. I told Acchikun I'll get back to him and we walked together until outside of the building and we parted different ways. He told me it was hard doing the report alone. I was confused that time but I tried to hide it from showing on my face. It was so unlike him.
About one week after that, we had another experiment which was simulation experiment. My friends used software to obtain the calculation result so they didn't know how to calculate it manually as they only upload the TCL files on the software and the software calculate the package loss, UDP package and etc. I asked Achikun if he used software or he calculate it manually and he said he made the calculation manually without using software. I asked him how he did it and suddenly there was a Line call from him. I was confused for few seconds and in seconds I ended the call. My first thought was I accidentally called him again. When the Line call ended I noticed that the Line call wasn't from me but it was from him. I asked him if the call was from me and he called again. He called me and from his background sound I could tell he was on his way back home. I could listen clearly the sound of train just passed by and it was so loud as if he just came out from the train and train moved not long after. He tried to explain about how to download TCL files to Excel and make manual calculation from there. Because, I could only listen to his voice and there was a bit problem with my computer during that time, I told him I would call him later in 10 minutes coz I got some problems with my computer. I didn't call him back after that. I sent him pictures of what I did or what I clicked on Excel and he just texted me after that. It was so so unlike him.
Last week, we had a lab mate meeting between three of us on Friday. We met our lecturer and our lecturer told us to discuss among ourselves about the report coz all 3 of us reports' weren't complete and there were many lacking here and there. After we met our lecturer, we had group discussion at general lounge aka Angora. As usual, the one more guy decided to leave early and he left us both at Angora. Of all three reports, probably Acchikun's report was the one with many additions to be done coz his report was only 16 pages while me had 30++ pages and one more guy had 20++ pages. We talked about reports until not long after we started to talk about other things as well and it lasted until lunch which was about 1 hour. He asked me if I'm having lunch and I said I'm okay having lunch or not having lunch. He told me he was hungry and he wanted to eat lunch. He said he's going to Cafe which is in the 2nd floor but to cut the story short we eventually had lunch at Angora. He bought his lunch at Coop which is beside the canteen and I decided to buy my lunch at canteen. Angora is besides the canteen and Coop is beside the canteen. That's how we had our first lunch together. I enjoyed the lunch and the meeting coz we could talk about something else beside the report. This week, last Friday which was 2 days ago he approached me for the first time in the class after class ended. I was talking with a guy friend who was sitting behind me. The guy helped me a lot in doing my report and I thanked him for helping me with the report as I finally submitted my report after 4th time of correction. After I finished talking with him, I turned in front to pack my things only to find out three guys were standing in front of me. One of them were Acchikun and the other two were his friends. Acchikun wanted to ask me about the report and I guess he didn't inform his friends before hand coz his friends looked confused and he told his friends that he wanted to ask me something about the report.
This time it is a super long post coz I don't want to divide it into parts so I tell everything in one post. I guess I'm one of his actual friend now? Honestly, when it comes to interacting with Japanese, I no longer know what to expect anymore. We could talk about a lot of things and the next day we become stranger. It happened to me many times. I thought we were friends and the next time I knew, we were actually strangers despite having conversation yesterday or before. It was always me who initiates first or otherwise we'll just end up as stranger. It was weird coz I could still remember vividly I met the one more guy aka my lab mate at library and he decided to ignore me or pretended not to see me although we saw each other. Japanese are shy or they just don't know how to react when they meet someone that that they couldn't decide whether it's a friend or a stranger. I learnt that if Japanese still consider you as a stranger, they'll ignore you unless you greeted them first. That's just the way it is. If they have consider you as their friend, they'll greet you first or at least notice you.
Thank you for reading till the end. Thank you to my friend coz I found back my passion to write coz he DMed me on Twitter telling me he enjoyed my writing although I had remove the blog link from my Twitter profile. Gonna put it back I guess. You know who you are. Thank you. XOXO
JINN
Saturday, 25 May 2019
First Experience: The Only Foreigner in the Japanese Circle
Hello guys!
So today I would like to talk about my experience as the
only foreigner who joins Japanese circle. Honestly, I had never taught about
joining a circle because I didn’t like the commitment and most of the time I
just didn’t enjoy clubs during my primary school and high school years. Back
then, the only reason why I joined clubs was because of the curricular marks
and it was compulsory for every student to join clubs. Basically it’s a rule
and as a rule-biding student back then, I joined those clubs simply because I had to.
After graduated, I enrolled myself into a special education program which
enabled me to pursue my further studies in Japan but before I got to that I had
to spend three years in Malaysia studying. Due to the fact that it’s a special
preparatory program for Malaysians to further studies in Japan, the timetable
was freaking pack and literally there is no after-class extracurricular
activity. I was really happy honestly because no more clubs that I had to join or
there is no rule about joining clubs, marks for joining clubs, what-so-ever.
Three years passed by and finally I further my studies in Japan(I’m in Japan
currently).
Since I enrolled in Japanese university as a third year, I
enrolled together with henyuusei students. Henyuusei students are students who
graduated from kousen(Japan’s technical college) and just like me they entered
Japanese University as a third year student. Despite the fact that I’m a
foreigner, I always consider myself as a henyuusei student too simply because
in my university system, I am considered as henyuusei student from oversea
school. I was recruited into Japanese group of henyuusei student of the same
department. There are 19 of us including 6 Japanese who just enrolled, 10
Japanese seniors,1 Malaysian senior, me and my friend who is also from the same
preparatory program. During that time, all of us hadn’t meet face-to-face yet
so we had our very first ice-breaking session via Line(hahaha). One of my Japanese
seniors, probably the head of the group prepared a template for everyone to
fill in such as full name, clubs that they join, past schools, interest, etc.
As I was scrolling every of my seniors’ template, I realized most of them join
one particular club called Stairs. Then, I made a research(sort of) on that
club and basically the club is about learning programming languages, developing
apps and creating web page. I was genuinely interested to join that club because
in their website, they had interesting activities for programming beginner. I
wasn’t a beginner honestly but my programming ability is so low that I can’t even
consider myself as an undergoing programming learner despite learning programming
for almost 3 years. To cut the story short, I joined the Stairs.
Then, I went to my very first Henyuusei Welcoming Party which
was held at share house. In the welcoming party, I got a chance to meet my
seniors and we had our actual ice-breaking session. We ate, we talked, it was
really fun. At one point, one of my seniors asked us if we were interested to
join Stairs. It turned out that the president of Stairs is my senior who’s in fourth
year currently. I told him I’m interested to join in and he told me he already
accepted my request to join the club(I joined right before my senior invited
me). Yeayyy!!
Our very first meeting was after Golden week holiday. Right
after Golden week holiday, I was really busy with Stairs. For almost two weeks straight,
I arrived home at 8.40pm. The club activities started at 6pm and finished at
8pm. There were activities such as learning how to use HTML and CSS, learning
how to use Swift(Programming for Apple) and learning how to create Name Card by
using Powerpoint. It was really really fun and I enjoyed every moment when I
was attending the club. Probably that was the first time in my life where I
literally had fun joining the club. My friend wasn’t interested to join the
club because she knew that if she joins the club, a lot of her free times would
be consumed but me on the other hand, I prefer my free time to be consumed with
something educational and beneficial.
Before I forget, it turned out that most of members of
Stairs are henyuusei students. I don’t know why but it’s just that way. Even
most of seniors of Stairs are henyuusei students. From Stairs, I started to get
close with my Stairs’ seniors and I got new friends from other departments too,
who are henyuusei students of course. Besides, I started to get close with my
own department’s senior too. My senior of the same department helped me tonnes
in programming. He came up to me every now and then asking if I was okay, and
if I wasn’t okay, he’ll help me fixing my wrecked programming. I have a big
crush in one of the seniors and that senior helped me a lot in my programming so
in short, circle time is my Happy Hour. I tend to smile when I look at my
senior that I have crush on so I decided to wear mask whenever I attend the
club. I smiled the whole time and even when I’m writing this blog while
reminiscing moments when I attended the club, I was smiling too. Lol.
My senior that I have crush on is a friendly person who
talks a lot with everyone. I don’t know how he actually finds topic to talk about
with every each of us but he just did it. He does that always. Since I’m the
only foreigner, he asks me a lot about English pronunciation. Sometimes, he
tried to explain things in English to me too. I like the fact that Japanese
people are trying to speak English with me because it feels like they are trying
to reach out to me although they’re just simply practicing their English.
I still remember vividly when my seniors asked me if I had ever
eaten sushi or do I know Doraemon or Pikachu, I laughed whole heartedly. The
questions were so interesting and funny because I started to eat Sushi when I
was 12 and I grew up watching Doraemon and Pikachu. To put it simply, I grew up
in the presence of Doraemon and Pikachu so I am familiar with those. I probably
didn’t know the very details of those two stories but I do know that Doraemon
lives with Nobita who often gets bullied by Giant and Sunyo(my spelling
probably wrong. Sorry!). Oh and Nobita has a crush on Shizuka too. I wasn’t
that indifferent not to know that Ash is the owner of Pikachu and they collects
Pokemon. Their rival is a purple-colored hair guy and dark pink-colored lady
aka the villains in the Pokemon. When they asked me those questions, it felt
like they were asking if I know what rice is. I find it really amusing that I
couldn’t help but to burst into laughter.
Besides getting close with my club seniors, I have gotten close
with my Japanese friends from the same department. Out of 6, 4 of them join
Stairs. I sit close with one of them sometimes and whenever I didn’t understand
how to do the programming, I’ll pat the person next to me(my henyuusei friend
of the same department) on the shoulder and he’ll help me. Sometimes, he didn’t
understand how to do it too so he’ll call our senior for me.
Honestly, most of my club seniors are very nice. I have
never really felt discriminated so far in the circle except for the fact that
most of the people that I didn’t know in the club wouldn’t sit near me if there’s
a group sitting. During those times, my seniors or the person that I know would
fill the void. I remember vividly my circle senior(not the one that I have
crush on) who sat in front of me would literally stand up and went next to me just
to listen to my problem(during that time I couldn’t install custom font from
the internet). The laptop could just simply be turned over facing him instead he
stood and went to my side. There was this one time too when I asked him where
to find the questionnaire(it was inside Slack(an app that Stairs use to communicate
with their member))on the phone and he stood up from his sitting position, bend
towards me and slide the screen of my phone for me. Finally, he told me to touch
one of the groups on the slack and I could see the questionnaire.
Up until now, I have been telling you guys about nice
stories about the circle. Yes, everything is nice until I have to find and join
group to create an app. The next Stair’s activity is to create a group of two
or three people and create a web app. Currently I’m still in no group condition
with almost 0 knowledge about Database, Git and everything that is related to
web app. I dunno what to feel right now because most of my henyuusei friends from
the same department aren’t committal which mean they attend the meeting when
ever they like. Besides I haven’t been invited by anyone to join their group and
I’m not surprise. I may be surprise if I have a group to create a web app though.
Things gonna be tough after this. Wish me luck.
Thank you for reading.
XOXO,
JINN
Sunday, 12 May 2019
First Experience: Welcoming party at Izakaya
Originally, I intended to write about my circle experience but after I read back my previous blog, I realized that there's a story that was left hanging and that is the welcoming party story. The event happened about a month ago. I was the only foreigner who attended the party because it was a circle party for Japanese student generally. I really wanted to join the circle because the circle seems interesting for me and I think I can learn a lot by joining the circle. BTW, the circle mainly about programming, creating apps and using software so that are the reasons why I wanted to join the circle even if I am the only foreigner and the dumbest in the circle(T_T).
The party started at around 7pm and it was held at Izakaya(Japanese style restaurant) near my house. Literally near my house because it only took like 4 minutes by walking and maybe less than a minute by bicycle minus the traffic light. Honestly it was an awkward party and yet interesting experience for me since that was the first time I ate at Izakaya. I had to sit on the floor and the place was quite small packed with about 40 guys++ from my circle and other different group of people as well(more than 10 people). I sat like literally in front of Beer corner. I don't know why I ended up sitting there considering that I don't drink beer but maybe because the place was empty and it was sort of near to the exit and there was people that I knew sitting there so I ended up sitting there despite the place was near Beer corner.
So here's the very umm.. I would say fangirling part. T sat on the same table as I am!!😍T literally sat in front of me on the left side. Basically not really in front of me but T sat in a position where it was accessible within my eye range😂In that party, I saw T drank beer for the first time. In the previous party, T did not consume alcoholic drink because T drove to get to the party place but this time T came by bus. Honestly, my heart broke a little as I saw T gulped down the beer because since I don't drink alcoholic drink, I was hoping the person that I like would adopt the same lifestyle as I am but nevertheless it was still a sight that couldn't be missed. Despite my heart broke a little, I was slightly intrigued by the way T gulped down the beer. Cool or in Japanese they would say kakkoii.
The party went on and the peak was the eating session and also exchanging friends session. My favourite was of course eating session because I love eating so much that just by eating I can be as happy as a little child who always get their ways. I couldn't eat the meat that was served there and the food that I could eat was mostly seafood-based or plant-based food. T asked me like is there any time where I can drink alcohol or I couldn't drink at all and me with my broken Japanese falsely told T sometimes I drink alcohol and T was literally shocked and I was shocked too and I realized that it wasn't the right answer so I told T no I don't drink at all. I wanted to tell something else but I ended up delivering wrong message due to my Japanese vocab limitation. Silly me. Actually I wanted to tell T that generally people don't drink but there are still people who drink but instead of saying that I ended up telling T that I sometimes drink. LOL😂😂
T also asked me why I didn't eat the chicken and before I could answered it, T uttered the answer. I didn't know if T was disappointed as to why I have so many restrictions but I replied
"It's okay. Since I cannot eat the chicken, you can eat more chicken, right?" <- in Japanese
and T laughed shyly. I didn't know whether T laughed shyly or simply laughed without any hidden emotion but my mind told me T was laughing because of shyness. I was only stating the truth though. They should bring me out to eat often because they can eat the portion that I don't eat like meats which they love so much.
The party was great until the exchange friends session which I didn't like so much but I still had fun at the very end of the session(probably 5 minutes before the party was over). Earlier I sat with T and friends that I know but this time I sat in a group where I literally didn't know any of them and had never seen their face before. It was awkward and the senior who was sitting beside me(God knows who he is but I don't), probably he didn't like me as much or he was just simply drunk. I couldn't tell. The saddest part about Japanese culture is they have the high tendency to use alcohol as a medium to communicate with people easily but from my observation, alcohol could make or break you. It depends on people I think. He was friendly enough to speak with me at first but then as he consumed more alcohol, he became more passive and started telling me or us that he was sleepy. He ended up scrolling his phone and ignored me. In a table, there were about 6 people sitting and talking together. The senior sat in the middle and I sat on his right side. On his left side, there's a guy who was genuinely interested to speak with me about my country because he had been there before but because the senior had never been to other countries before, the topic was out of the question. The guy who sat in front of the senior also had been to my country before even it was a really really short visit and he was eager to share his experience too but since the senior who SAT BESIDE ME has never been to other countries before, we couldn't talk about it. The other reasons why I probably don't like the senior so much was because he was annoyed at me for keep speaking casually. I didn't realized it at first but since he was giving me gestures like speaking under his breath about his friend being a senior and me keep speaking casually, I realized he didn't like it that I was speaking casually with them. Probably he demanded me to speak formally all the time since him and his friends are seniors. It was my fault though for being careless but the interesting part was his friend was born the same year as I am but because he was born in January, he could join the school with the people who were born in previous year.
The reason why I knew those two person wanted to talk me at least during that time was after the senior got up and went somewhere else, they asked me about my country and told me their experience when they were visiting my country. It was a happy moment because I could listen to many stories that were related to me and we could share many similarities. Unfortunately, that moment only lasted for about 5 minutes as T got up from his seat and told everyone the party was over and the bus had already arrived.
So that's the story about me joining a circle welcoming party at Izakaya. It wasn't really an interesting experience to tell but it was an unforgettable experience for me because ever since the senior expressed his unsatisfaction as I keep speaking casually, I'm more careful with the way I speak ever since that day. BTW, in Japan if you're speaking with someone who has higher status than you like your teacher or your boss or someone who's older than you, you should speak formally with them. Of course, there are some Japanese who doesn't really mind about the formalities or the Japanese that would excuse you for speaking casually because you are a foreigner but there are also some Japanese who would demand you to speak perfectly like them or like how their juniors talk to them.
That's all from me.
Bye~
JINN
The party started at around 7pm and it was held at Izakaya(Japanese style restaurant) near my house. Literally near my house because it only took like 4 minutes by walking and maybe less than a minute by bicycle minus the traffic light. Honestly it was an awkward party and yet interesting experience for me since that was the first time I ate at Izakaya. I had to sit on the floor and the place was quite small packed with about 40 guys++ from my circle and other different group of people as well(more than 10 people). I sat like literally in front of Beer corner. I don't know why I ended up sitting there considering that I don't drink beer but maybe because the place was empty and it was sort of near to the exit and there was people that I knew sitting there so I ended up sitting there despite the place was near Beer corner.
So here's the very umm.. I would say fangirling part. T sat on the same table as I am!!😍T literally sat in front of me on the left side. Basically not really in front of me but T sat in a position where it was accessible within my eye range😂In that party, I saw T drank beer for the first time. In the previous party, T did not consume alcoholic drink because T drove to get to the party place but this time T came by bus. Honestly, my heart broke a little as I saw T gulped down the beer because since I don't drink alcoholic drink, I was hoping the person that I like would adopt the same lifestyle as I am but nevertheless it was still a sight that couldn't be missed. Despite my heart broke a little, I was slightly intrigued by the way T gulped down the beer. Cool or in Japanese they would say kakkoii.
The party went on and the peak was the eating session and also exchanging friends session. My favourite was of course eating session because I love eating so much that just by eating I can be as happy as a little child who always get their ways. I couldn't eat the meat that was served there and the food that I could eat was mostly seafood-based or plant-based food. T asked me like is there any time where I can drink alcohol or I couldn't drink at all and me with my broken Japanese falsely told T sometimes I drink alcohol and T was literally shocked and I was shocked too and I realized that it wasn't the right answer so I told T no I don't drink at all. I wanted to tell something else but I ended up delivering wrong message due to my Japanese vocab limitation. Silly me. Actually I wanted to tell T that generally people don't drink but there are still people who drink but instead of saying that I ended up telling T that I sometimes drink. LOL😂😂
T also asked me why I didn't eat the chicken and before I could answered it, T uttered the answer. I didn't know if T was disappointed as to why I have so many restrictions but I replied
"It's okay. Since I cannot eat the chicken, you can eat more chicken, right?" <- in Japanese
and T laughed shyly. I didn't know whether T laughed shyly or simply laughed without any hidden emotion but my mind told me T was laughing because of shyness. I was only stating the truth though. They should bring me out to eat often because they can eat the portion that I don't eat like meats which they love so much.
The party was great until the exchange friends session which I didn't like so much but I still had fun at the very end of the session(probably 5 minutes before the party was over). Earlier I sat with T and friends that I know but this time I sat in a group where I literally didn't know any of them and had never seen their face before. It was awkward and the senior who was sitting beside me(God knows who he is but I don't), probably he didn't like me as much or he was just simply drunk. I couldn't tell. The saddest part about Japanese culture is they have the high tendency to use alcohol as a medium to communicate with people easily but from my observation, alcohol could make or break you. It depends on people I think. He was friendly enough to speak with me at first but then as he consumed more alcohol, he became more passive and started telling me or us that he was sleepy. He ended up scrolling his phone and ignored me. In a table, there were about 6 people sitting and talking together. The senior sat in the middle and I sat on his right side. On his left side, there's a guy who was genuinely interested to speak with me about my country because he had been there before but because the senior had never been to other countries before, the topic was out of the question. The guy who sat in front of the senior also had been to my country before even it was a really really short visit and he was eager to share his experience too but since the senior who SAT BESIDE ME has never been to other countries before, we couldn't talk about it. The other reasons why I probably don't like the senior so much was because he was annoyed at me for keep speaking casually. I didn't realized it at first but since he was giving me gestures like speaking under his breath about his friend being a senior and me keep speaking casually, I realized he didn't like it that I was speaking casually with them. Probably he demanded me to speak formally all the time since him and his friends are seniors. It was my fault though for being careless but the interesting part was his friend was born the same year as I am but because he was born in January, he could join the school with the people who were born in previous year.
The reason why I knew those two person wanted to talk me at least during that time was after the senior got up and went somewhere else, they asked me about my country and told me their experience when they were visiting my country. It was a happy moment because I could listen to many stories that were related to me and we could share many similarities. Unfortunately, that moment only lasted for about 5 minutes as T got up from his seat and told everyone the party was over and the bus had already arrived.
So that's the story about me joining a circle welcoming party at Izakaya. It wasn't really an interesting experience to tell but it was an unforgettable experience for me because ever since the senior expressed his unsatisfaction as I keep speaking casually, I'm more careful with the way I speak ever since that day. BTW, in Japan if you're speaking with someone who has higher status than you like your teacher or your boss or someone who's older than you, you should speak formally with them. Of course, there are some Japanese who doesn't really mind about the formalities or the Japanese that would excuse you for speaking casually because you are a foreigner but there are also some Japanese who would demand you to speak perfectly like them or like how their juniors talk to them.
That's all from me.
Bye~
JINN
Saturday, 13 April 2019
Escaping reality
Yesterday I slept for the longest time ever since the first time I came to Japan. I don't know what happened to me but suddenly I was feeling a bit of under the weather and the feelings that I had once in a while even when I was in my country came back. Unhappy. Unsatisfied. Tired of everything. Tired of being me. Tired of simply living as easy to say. We all had that once in a while, right? I wasn't going to deny those feelings because that's me and that's the essence that shape me as what I am today.
I sleep over sleep over sleep and woke up about 11 hours later. I know that eventually I have to wake up somehow. Of course, during the interval between sleep and the next sleep, there's a slight of guilt creeps inside me and overwhelm feeling of not wanting to wake up mixed together. I wasn't sleeping peacefully as easy to say. I woke up and I decided to continue to sleep and the cycle continued until 11 hours had passed.
Why am I acting like this? Why am I feeling unhappy, unsatisfied and tired of everything? Why do I feeling those things? Where did things had gone wrong? Am I really that bad as a person that God punishes me this way? Maybe. I am not pious either to begin with and I'm not proud of it. I know that too well and yet I let everything goes as if nothing's wrong with pangs of guilt build within my fragile heart.
I wasn't really myself yesterday and after I went back from the outing which supposed to be joyful(because I bought myself a sweatshirt that I think is cool and I binged eating sushi), I started to shut down myself. I pulled on my dark curtain covering everything that could be seen. Too tired to see the world. Too exhausted to even listen to it. I wanted my space to be dark but then I was scared of pitch dark so I lighted up a studying lamp instead of kitchen light(usually kitchen light is switch on even when I sleep at night) and I buried myself in the blanket. I wasn't really sleepy that time so I used my phone until no feelings left within me instead of just wanting to sleep and in the end I began my journey of 11 hours of sleeping.
In the journey, it wasn't a quiet and peaceful one either. I dreamed of something that I wished I didn't dream about. It wasn't a nightmare and it wasn't really a good one either. It's just a normal dream. A dream that doesn't make me wonder after I woke up. Just a typical dream that you have once in a while.
Thankfully, after about 11 hours of escaping of consciousness I feel a little bit better. Better than yesterday at the very least. I opened my curtain letting the natural light inside my room and I started to do things that I should have done sooner. I washed my clothes, I cleaned my room, I cooked and I cycled near my neighborhood. It was nice to gain the usual me back. The me that always excited to do even simple things like walking, the me that always excited to go out and explore, and the me that always looking forward to talking with many people.
Today shall be better than yesterday and it does. If you try to make it happen. I always believe that every cloud has its silver lining and after the rain there'll be rainbow. Maybe God wants to give me something better that He took away my yesterday. If that's the case then I should just be patience with all these ordeals. Of course when those dark feelings creep inside you, you can no longer justify things and the only thing that you could think of is who and what to blame. I'm speaking positively right now because I'm in my sane condition and are able to make judgement. If you ask me yesterday, probably I won't be able to even talk to you. I probably hate you for simply talking to me.
Today will be a good day and I'll make it happen. Yesterday is already in the past and instead of mourning for the lost times that you had, crying over a milk that was meant to be spilled, let's be grateful that we still have another chance to live the present.
Thank you, Lord.
JINN
I sleep over sleep over sleep and woke up about 11 hours later. I know that eventually I have to wake up somehow. Of course, during the interval between sleep and the next sleep, there's a slight of guilt creeps inside me and overwhelm feeling of not wanting to wake up mixed together. I wasn't sleeping peacefully as easy to say. I woke up and I decided to continue to sleep and the cycle continued until 11 hours had passed.
Why am I acting like this? Why am I feeling unhappy, unsatisfied and tired of everything? Why do I feeling those things? Where did things had gone wrong? Am I really that bad as a person that God punishes me this way? Maybe. I am not pious either to begin with and I'm not proud of it. I know that too well and yet I let everything goes as if nothing's wrong with pangs of guilt build within my fragile heart.
I wasn't really myself yesterday and after I went back from the outing which supposed to be joyful(because I bought myself a sweatshirt that I think is cool and I binged eating sushi), I started to shut down myself. I pulled on my dark curtain covering everything that could be seen. Too tired to see the world. Too exhausted to even listen to it. I wanted my space to be dark but then I was scared of pitch dark so I lighted up a studying lamp instead of kitchen light(usually kitchen light is switch on even when I sleep at night) and I buried myself in the blanket. I wasn't really sleepy that time so I used my phone until no feelings left within me instead of just wanting to sleep and in the end I began my journey of 11 hours of sleeping.
In the journey, it wasn't a quiet and peaceful one either. I dreamed of something that I wished I didn't dream about. It wasn't a nightmare and it wasn't really a good one either. It's just a normal dream. A dream that doesn't make me wonder after I woke up. Just a typical dream that you have once in a while.
Thankfully, after about 11 hours of escaping of consciousness I feel a little bit better. Better than yesterday at the very least. I opened my curtain letting the natural light inside my room and I started to do things that I should have done sooner. I washed my clothes, I cleaned my room, I cooked and I cycled near my neighborhood. It was nice to gain the usual me back. The me that always excited to do even simple things like walking, the me that always excited to go out and explore, and the me that always looking forward to talking with many people.
Today shall be better than yesterday and it does. If you try to make it happen. I always believe that every cloud has its silver lining and after the rain there'll be rainbow. Maybe God wants to give me something better that He took away my yesterday. If that's the case then I should just be patience with all these ordeals. Of course when those dark feelings creep inside you, you can no longer justify things and the only thing that you could think of is who and what to blame. I'm speaking positively right now because I'm in my sane condition and are able to make judgement. If you ask me yesterday, probably I won't be able to even talk to you. I probably hate you for simply talking to me.
Today will be a good day and I'll make it happen. Yesterday is already in the past and instead of mourning for the lost times that you had, crying over a milk that was meant to be spilled, let's be grateful that we still have another chance to live the present.
Thank you, Lord.
JINN
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